Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To be bitter about my parent's careers?

258 replies

Kplpandd · 12/08/2019 16:41

My parents were very career focused when I was a child.

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I dont know why but I'm starting to really resent the fact that they felt their careers were more important than my safety. I'm also bitter at the fact that nobody such as teachers or my neighbours ever questioned them about dumping me in the playground or leaving me home alone.

I remember going to my friends house after school once and her mum was home already to welcome her and I was so jealous!
This seemed to hit me when my dd reached 8 because I cant even think about leaving her at home for 12 hours whilst I went to work. Is it even legal?

My parents were well off, I never went without material possessions and as an adult I became very close friends with them both (they have now passed). I mean even if they'd sent me to a childminder I'd at least have had adequate supervision? I guess I'm just having a spoilt rant but would really appreciate others views.

OP posts:

soulrider · 12/08/2019 17:59

Our dedicated school bus dropped us in the playground at 7:45 ish (school started at 8:50), I don't remember anybody being walked to the bus stop by their parents either. This was early 80s in a rural area.

Boysey45 · 12/08/2019 17:59

At 6 years old, I'd walk home from primary school which was a mile make my own tea and wait for my parents coming home which was 9.30-10 ish. Its the way it was in the 1970s, not like it is now.
Concentrate on your life now OP, you cant live in the past.

formerbabe · 12/08/2019 17:59

It's dreadful. They could have paid for a childminder, nanny, holiday club. They all existed in the eighties/nineties. You must have been so incredibly bored.

QualCheckBot · 12/08/2019 18:01

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

Doesn't sound too bad! I cycled to school and left about 7.30am. And back in the dark sometimes if doing athletics after school.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I loved when that happened! My parents didn't lock the door though.

caballerino · 12/08/2019 18:02

This sounds so lonely. I would feel very upset if these were my childhood memories. I'm not surprised you're revisiting these feelings now you have your own child. I think there is a value in realising that your childhood did have its lonelinesses and losses, and acknowledging them, and realising they have probably affected you in adulthood even if you weren't consciously aware of it.

The more eloquent version of what I wanted to say.

It was neglectful. What matters is the impact it has had in you and how you feel about it - not how different people, having lived different lives imagine they would feel in your shoes, or how they felt about their own experiences.

These were your experiences and your feelings count. I think it will ultimately help you to allow yourself to feel them rather than trying to push them away to fester. Feel them, process it, and then when you're ready you'll be able to put it in its place in your memories and move forward.

Lazydaisies · 12/08/2019 18:02

Running on Empty by Jonice Webb is a really good book to explain why you felt the way you do OP. It sounds like a very lonely and neglectful upbringing. There is actually a lot you can do to put this to bed by speaking to a good therapist. Snowflake you are not.

angell84 · 12/08/2019 18:02

@Kplpandd you should definitely not have been left home all day alone at 8. You should have been with a childminder. So I send you a hug.

On the other side of this - having a mum staying at home all the time is not as idyllic as people might think it is.
My mum stayed at home all the time with us and shouted and screamed at us all day every day. I often wished that she would go out to work, which might have made her a bit happier and not taking all her frustrations out on us

Witchend · 12/08/2019 18:03

My mum was expected to get the bus on her own at 7am from age 6. She had a change of bus at 8:00am after a 20 minute wait in a (sometimes) empty bus depo in the middle of nowhere. She did it on her own from day 1.

So she could say that those who only walked to school aged 6yo and were left in the school grounds were having it easy.

it doesn't make what she did a good idea.

TabbyMumz · 12/08/2019 18:04

I think getting the school bus at 5 in those days may have been pretty normal. If it wasn't, surely people would have complained or raised it with social services. I know it was the norm for kids to walk to school on their own. It wasn't like it is now, getting ferried up to the front door of the school and walked in.

Teddybear45 · 12/08/2019 18:04

I started school late compared to my sister (5 vs 3) because mum needed me to cook and clean. I was making 3 course Indian meals for 10 people by myself at that age. My mum wasn’t even working then - just a housewife (wouldn’t call her a stay at home parent as it was my gran who did the parenting). She mostly spent her time sleeping or writing letters to her friends and family. When she went to work I was left to do everything before and after school.

Abraid2 · 12/08/2019 18:05

I don't think it is legal to leave a child under 10

In England it isn’t illegal. Thank god. I sometimes left mine for up to half an hour between 7.45 and 8.15am from about nine. A bit different though.

formerbabe · 12/08/2019 18:05

My dm didn't really work, except temping very occasionally if she was bored, she was ill and eventually died. Our father had to work though. We had a childminder once and also nannies to look after us. They were much more affordable in the 1980s/90s compared to now.
In the summer holidays we did all sorts of holiday camps, tennis, drama, art etc

millimollimandi · 12/08/2019 18:06

I'm another one who went on a bus at 5 on my own - it was just the way it was in the dark ages. No one thought anything of it. My DM was a SAHM so was always there when I got home, but she never came with me when I went to school. It wasn't neglect, it was how the world was, like I never went to a playgroup - they didn't exist (at least in all the places I lived) the first time I left my DM was to go to school. Like corporal punishment - we all had it - it was just the way it was...

Dyrne · 12/08/2019 18:07

Ivestoppedreadingthenews What utter bollocks.

Both my parents worked full time and still had ample time to listen to my teenage drama-of-the-week.

“Parents working” does NOT equal “parents never being around”; and it’s absolute garbage to pretend that.

It’s a completely valid choice to choose to stay at home, and I fully support that, but please don’t pretend that parents that choose to work are somehow automatically damaging their children.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 12/08/2019 18:07

How did you feel about it as a child? Were you lonely/upset/scared? Did you ever comment on it?

No point in looking back now with adult eyes and different circumstances/rules and judge how awful it all was.

I was the same except I took myself to school and back. Proper latch key kid. Many awful things about my childhood and parenting, but that wasn't one of them. I actually enjoyed the freedom and time to myself and the opportunity to roam and play with the other kids.

Robin2323 · 12/08/2019 18:07

I had working parents so we were lucky to have the financial perks.
But my grandma brought us up really. (Totally loved her).

But I worked part time when my kids were little so that I brought them up.

Hugs to you it must have been very lonely

Lazydaisies · 12/08/2019 18:09

The key is having at least one, even better two, emotionally available parents who can meet all of the child’s needs. Needs now, not wants.

SAHP is a good model for children because it frees up time but by no means is it the panacea of all good parenting.

Supersimpkin · 12/08/2019 18:13

I tubed it across London to school and back daily from age 8/9 in the 80s. Now I think about it there weren't many other kids around

My DM didn't work, or indeed provide tea when we got back. I did get supper tho'.

MustStop · 12/08/2019 18:13

This is similar for many 11 year olds now who are too old for childcare. Latch key teens are common.
The argument is they are old enough to look after themselves
Parents won't listen to you OP, they'll carry on leaving their dc and wonder why they feel as you do as an adult so sorry for you.

Anxiouszalice · 12/08/2019 18:14

That's awful OP and of course it matters!!

You are obviously very mature and not at all snowflakey if you managed to develop a great relationship with your parents as an adult though.

If you think talking it through with a friend or counsellor would help then that's a good idea but apart from that at least you know that you are a very different parent to your own!

Troels · 12/08/2019 18:20

It wasn't their careers they were just rubbish at parenting.
I went to school in the late 60's and through the 70's. This wasn't normal even then. We had a hidden kiey for me to get in when I was about 7 or 8, but mostly I went to my Mums work and sat there, had a drink and went home with her, or played with friends.
Summer we would go to both sides grandmother for a day here and there. They could have hired a sitter. I did that for money as a teen as did friends, Teen sitters were common, on saturdays and holidays for working parents.

Setting3 · 12/08/2019 18:24

I resented the importance my Mum placed on her work for years - we had a housekeeper there when we came home but we never had mum- it wasn't the same, I now know that she just didn't like having kids and work was her escape. Dad worked long hours too but he spent time with us in a way she never did - she always needed to be doing something else rather than spending time with us. I expect nowadays she wouldn't have had kids but it was expected and that's what she did - funny thing is her mother was exactly the same - ran a business and ignored all her kids as much as possible. What I am thankful for is that all my siblings are not like my mother - we have all learnt how not to parent.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 12/08/2019 18:30

I went to school in the eighties too.

Similar to another poster, my DP ran a business from home.

I walked to and from school from the first day. I can never remember a time when I wasn't overwhelmingly lonely. No interest was taken in me. I was quiet, friends were not encouraged and I read. A lot. I also played with dolls all the time, making them have little conversations with one another. I suppose it was my way of having company. I didn't get new toys but had a huge amount of books thankfully. From a very young age, I did my own laundry, cleaned and did a lot of work around the house. I stayed up very late helping in the business and was expected to get up for school the next morning. Nothing was expected academically of me. There were some clubs e.g. girl guides but I was never encouraged to join them.

The above was pleasant in comparison to when a rare interest was taken in me because it was very critical of me, in particular why I didn't have friends! I don't remember trying to answer or justify myself because whatever I said would have been classed as 'cheeky' and 'spoilt'.

I have little or no nice memories of my childhood. It certainly wasn't a happy one.

Sorry to hear your story OP. Being lonely is horrible. Did you ever say anything to your parents before they passed away? I didn't.

Woodlandwitch · 12/08/2019 18:31

Reading this has really made me mindful of the level i thought I could work without affecting my child.

I work part time at the moment but long hours and I often think it’s ok as I’m with him for the rest of the week but I’ve been feeling for a while that he punishes me for the days when I’m not there.

When I’ve mentioned this to family they tell me I’m imagining it and everything is fine but I am starting to realise they are wrong.

I’ve been asked to increase my hours at work and reading this has made me feel that I shouldn’t

Preggosaurus9 · 12/08/2019 18:31

I remember my brother and I letting ourselves into a cold house after school and microwaving a ready meal for our dinner. Sometimes my mum was at work but quite frequently she was upstairs in bed with clinical depression which she sought no help for. It was awfully lonely and frankly horrible just going to our rooms. She wouldn't put the heating on unless it was literally icy outside. She just wasn't present, even when physically present. She was a single parent so I have some idea now I'm a mum what sort of pressure she must have been under. But like you OP I just think, she could have made the effort to spend time with us. Even sitting on the sofa watching crap telly would have been better. I often feel like I have a deep seated loneliness and sadness from all those years of detachment. YANBU.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11