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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have kicked off at in-laws?

336 replies

Xen20 · 12/08/2019 16:12

I’m so pissed off. I’m in sick at the moment with stress, I hate my job. I can’t face going back to it.

DH has called me Brian for years. I always hated it but it was a stupid joke that never fucking went away so in the end I just ignored it. He did however, get his entire family to call me Brian too so obviously I just avoid socialising with them.

Yesterday I had to go as it was a child’s birthday. As I said I’m off with stress at the minute so a bit sensitive I suppose. We knocked on door and I head the kids shouting that Dave and Brian we’re here. I ignored it. Got inside, MIL said that some friends were coming over and she would have to introduce us. I said “well introduce me as Ayesha then”. She pulled a face and asked if I’d gotten out the wrong side of the bed. Friends arrive. MIL promptly introduces us as Dave and B ... Ayesha. She then adds “but everyone calls her Brian”.

She snapped and said this bullshit stops now. It’s gone on for too long and was never funny to begin with. Now DH and I are not talking as he said I made a scene at a child’s birthday. I give up.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 12/08/2019 17:53

@SavingSpaces2019 I got this vibe too. I’ve noticed real laziness around properly pronouncing names in the U.K.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 12/08/2019 17:55

Is this a joke. You had a tantrum at a child’s party. How old are you and how old are the other children Brian.

BertrandRussell · 12/08/2019 17:57

Where does the OP say she’s bame?

billy1966 · 12/08/2019 17:59

Your husband is a Nasty Bully.

His family are awful too.

You should not have put up with this.

Tell him to pack his bags and focus on your boundaries.
Most people wouldn't put up with this rudness for 5 minutes.

No wonder you are stressed having to deal with so many awful people in your life.

Refuse to take responsibility for the party upset.
Your husband and MIL caused this.

Tell them both go to hell.
You need to assert yourself badly.

colourlessgreenidea · 12/08/2019 18:00

Oh, this is exquisite. Absolutely exquisite. 😊

username678889 · 12/08/2019 18:05

No wonder your off with stress .
Your dh has completely disrespected you not calling your name . He obviously thinks he's funny he's not . Yes you should of nipped it in the bud years ago but like so many people with controlling and mental abusive partners it's ignored so one day you snap then your unreasonable.
I think you need to take a long hard look at your life these people are not nice and your husband sounds like a twat .
Do not put up with this .

Cheeseandwin5 · 12/08/2019 18:05

I dont think YABU.
It seems that the most think the same although not at a childs party, But I doubt you went there with the intention of kicking of.
You specifically told your MIL that you didnt want to be introduced that way and she did it anyway. No wonder that was the last straw, it really is a slap in the face.
I agree with others that you may have wanted to put a stop to it long time ago, but to be honest DH and his family sound like bullies. A nickname can only be affectionate if the person accepts it or better still likes it. You did not and their continually use of it is just an insult and done to humiliate you.

Original poster
Xen20 · 12/08/2019 18:11

The Brian thing is a piss take out of my hair.
I’ve asked them many times to pack it in and I just get ignored so rather than give them the satisfaction of seeing me get wound up I simply ignore. The last thing I wanted however was for new people to start it. Plus it’s fucking stupid and makes me look a twat. Of course they’d be wondering why the hell I had a blokes name.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 12/08/2019 18:11

Oh goodness you poor thing! I would absolutely hate that and I totally understand why you had had enough. Sorry your family are cunts.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 18:12

Brian May??

saraclara · 12/08/2019 18:12

Well that must have been super awkward for the friends. Yes, it was the totally wrong time to snap your MIL's head off.

And yep, not visiting your ILs rather than actually say "Actually can you call me by my real name, because the Brian joke has worn thin" is a bit werid.

CoraPirbright · 12/08/2019 18:16

No I get it! If you have asked repeatedly and they still wont use your proper name because they like seeing you wound up, then to ignore and avoid could be suggested as the best policy. Time and again on here, people are advised to ignore/block when someone is trying to antagonise them. It’s the same thing here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/08/2019 18:17

"I said “well introduce me as Ayesha then”. She pulled a face and asked if I’d gotten out the wrong side of the bed. Friends arrive. MIL promptly introduces us as Dave and B ... Ayesha. She then adds “but everyone calls her Brian”. "

So OP had, immediately before this incident, asked her MIL to introduce her as her actual name. It's pretty obvious to anyone with two brain cells that she does not want to be called Brian. Regardless, MIL made damned sure that these strangers would attach the name Brian to the OP. Yes, that is a straw that would have broken my back too. The blatant disregard for the OP's wishes! How DARE she want to be known by her own name, how DARE she!

For all those saying 'time and a place'/ 'but the child's party' - well maybe the MIL shouldn't have pushed OP's buttons, should she? Fuck them. Fuck the lot of them.

"Now DH and I are not talking as he said I made a scene at a child’s birthday."
Well he started it. And he's dragged it on for years, despite knowing you hated it. You were bound to snap at some point, and having yet more people brought into the circle that disrespects you - well yes, I can see why this was your breaking point.

@Xen20, what in god's name is this 'Brian' thing all about? In what way was this ever a joke?

"He did however, get his entire family to call me Brian too so obviously I just avoid socialising with them."
What washis reaction to this? Did he even notice you avoiding his family? Did you ever tall anyone to not callyou Brian, or did you, I suspect, not want to lose him face in front of his family?

YANBU. Fuck them for this sustained disrespect.

Giraffey1 · 12/08/2019 18:19

This is a bit odd. Everyone calls you a name you don’t like? So you don’t socialise with family because you call you this? Why on earth didn’t you put a stop to this year’s ago? It’s very silly to have let something so small get so big . But it’s never to late to change things, so if I were in your shoes I’d have serious words with all concerned.. Explain that it makes you upset, point out that you have lovely first name that you would like them to use, and that their using the nickname has long since stopped being funny. Then pull them up on it every time they lapse into old habits.

But seriously, I wouldn’t have kicked off at a child’s party, time and a place and all that ....

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/08/2019 18:19

Ah right, see I've cross-posted and you've answered my questions. My opinion is unchanged. Fuck the lot of them! And your DH - this is ALL HIS FAULT.

Herocomplex · 12/08/2019 18:19

It’s bullying. They’re bullies. It’s not funny.

user1471590586 · 12/08/2019 18:21

I think the Op had just reached the end of her tether. Sorry you aren't getting much sympathy from this thread. You are really stressed due to work and them taking the piss continually doesn't help. To people saying she should have addressed it before. It sounds like she has tried to but that they think they know better and can say what they want. My family are a bit like that and when you stand up for yourself they make out that you are over sensitive. It's just bullying. I'd be having a serious talk with your husband and telling that you are sick of it.

Turquoise123 · 12/08/2019 18:24

I feel for you . I have a "fun" nickname - for fun read cruel- that I hate and have always hated. I stopped people calling me by it when I went to university but people who knew me before still call me by it .

I think it says a lot about my family that they find it "fun".

Just stop people from using it and I totally understand why you reacted.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 18:25

OP. Can you clarify? Have you ever asked the inlaws not to call you Brian before this incident?

At the moment I'm finding it bizarre that people are calling the inlaws bullies. Because so far I've not seen any indication that they knew she didn't like it.
If I had a DIL that suddenly just didn't visit so often, it wouldn't occur to me that this was why, unless she'd actually said 'please don't call me that'.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 18:26

Oh...sorry. I didn't see the post above where you said you had asked them not to, OP.
Apologies

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/08/2019 18:27

Providing the commotion was restricted to the adults and didn’t impinge on the children I think snapping when they tried to get new people in on their “joke” was probably a good reaction. Obviously losing control is always less than ideal and it would have been better to be calmly but devastatingly cutting of your MiL, but I don’t think it would have been appropriate to just let it pass at all.

I would guess that your DH and and his family are less upset at the commotion, and more upset that they’ve been called out on their appalling behaviour in front of their friends and they’re embarrassed, which they should be.

CoraPirbright · 12/08/2019 18:28

From the most recent update:
I’ve asked them many times to pack it in and I just get ignored so rather than give them the satisfaction of seeing me get wound up I simply ignore

CoraPirbright · 12/08/2019 18:28

X-post - sorry!

caballerino · 12/08/2019 18:31

Wow, so many naive people who think all you have to do is ask somebody to stop being vile and hey presto.

Some people enjoy the discomfort and distress they inflict - reasonable people who didn't appreciate their actions were causing hurt stop when asked, nasty people who get off on causing hurt do not stop when asked.

The op asked, the op made her feelings clear, and they continued regardless. Of course that's bullying.

Whatsername7 · 12/08/2019 18:32

Your mil was cruel and rude. A nickname only works if you are part of the joke, otherwise it is just mean name calling.