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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have kicked off at in-laws?

336 replies

Xen20 · 12/08/2019 16:12

I’m so pissed off. I’m in sick at the moment with stress, I hate my job. I can’t face going back to it.

DH has called me Brian for years. I always hated it but it was a stupid joke that never fucking went away so in the end I just ignored it. He did however, get his entire family to call me Brian too so obviously I just avoid socialising with them.

Yesterday I had to go as it was a child’s birthday. As I said I’m off with stress at the minute so a bit sensitive I suppose. We knocked on door and I head the kids shouting that Dave and Brian we’re here. I ignored it. Got inside, MIL said that some friends were coming over and she would have to introduce us. I said “well introduce me as Ayesha then”. She pulled a face and asked if I’d gotten out the wrong side of the bed. Friends arrive. MIL promptly introduces us as Dave and B ... Ayesha. She then adds “but everyone calls her Brian”.

She snapped and said this bullshit stops now. It’s gone on for too long and was never funny to begin with. Now DH and I are not talking as he said I made a scene at a child’s birthday. I give up.

OP posts:
Kingk1 · 13/08/2019 21:43

Your husband is a knob, he should hve stopped calling you Brian when u told him at the beginning u didn't like the name but no he went further and got his family to join in. He sounds like a bully and his family are no better. It probably wasn't the right place to kick off but it's done now so feck it. Hopefully that will be the end of it! Regards to ur job , if u hate it look for another job. You sound like u hve alot of stress in ur life and ur husband is contributing to it when he should be helping u. Take some time out for yourself, join a class go for walks or read a book and try to relax. Xx

phoenixrosehere · 13/08/2019 21:55

Exactly OooErMissus.

All mil had to do was just say her actual name like she asked and left it at that. It wasn’t anything difficult but supposedly it was too much of an ask and mil couldn’t help herself knowing op hated it.

Mil chose to do it. Mil caused the situation.

BackforGood · 13/08/2019 22:20

I think BertrandRussell is right.

It wasn't the time or the place.

@ClaireElizabeth - I have read all the thread (and had at the time I posted last, yesterday). However, as she allowed it to carry on after the first time, and then for "years" , then she has created a situation where no-one will think she is actually bothered by it by allowing it to go on so long.

Absolutely, challenge them now, calmly, making it very clear she has not liked it for years and feels very hurt that they have ignored her requests, but "kicking off" at a child's birthday party wasn't the way to do it.

@@OooErmissus Having a different opinion from you doesn't make a person "naive numpty", it just means they hold a different opinion. You can argue against it, but not name call.

The MiL, and the dh sound unkind, or at best, thoughtless people - I don't think there is anyone disagreeing with that - but the OP asked if SWBU to have kicked off at this party, and posters are answering that. No-one is disagreeing the MiL and BiL ABU to continue with a joke name the OP doesn't like, but that wasn't the question.

JingsMahBucket · 13/08/2019 22:30

For all those posters saying “it wasn’t the time or place”, here’s a reminder for you: appeasement never works. Haven’t you learned that from all your WW II lessons and period dramas? Bullies don’t respect manners or politeness. These people have been tormenting the OP for years. It was entirely the right time and place because it pushed the issue to the front while in the company of their friends whose respect they’d like to keep. Suffering and bullying succeed in silence and while hidden. The OP shone some disinfecting sunlight on their bad behaviour.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 22:35

Posters have their own agendas and project a great deal where the subject of MILs are concerned. It doesn’t matter what she’s supposed to have done, she’s always wrong with certain posters.

I’ve noticed so many different MIL threads where they’re called ignorant bitch, stupid bitch, fucking twat, evil cow to name a few things, it seems like it’s just an excuse to let rip presumably about their own MIL.

I don’t always agree with Bertrand on MIL threads but I did on this one, she was right in thinking it wasn’t the time to “kick off” and some of you have been pretty shitty singling her out like you have.

If you don’t agree with how someone posts, report them and let them be dealt with off board.

Tonnerre · 13/08/2019 23:37

mumsnet ethos is to support women

Precisely, Bornfree. Hence the rule not to attack other women on here for the crime of having a different view from your own.

and one of the most difficult relationships any woman may have is with an in law.

There will be thousands of women on here with zero problem with their in-laws. But the issue isn't in-laws, the issue is whether, no matter how genuine your grievance is, it's appropriate to make a massive scene at a child's party.

I was not 'savaging' BertrandRussell and haven't noticed anyone else doing that.

Seriously, limitedperiodonly? Then you haven't been paying attention.

Tonnerre · 13/08/2019 23:45

But without fail, no matter the circumstances, Bertrand will side with the MIL

Strange interpretation of:

They (the in-laws) are all awful ... The mil is a cow.

“would point blame squarely at the husband and family.”
So would I.

I think she should do anything she wants- including ... never visiting her in laws again

I am not defending the in laws. I think they are awful

User2468024680 · 14/08/2019 00:08

Flowers Flowers

I totally get it OP. I agree with smeerf that people should not comment unless they have been bullied this way.

I was also called a nickname at work even though I asked them not too. One day, very stressed with the living conditions and the work I was doing, I lost it and screamed at them and threaten to resign. My bosses heard about it my yelling was very loud and send a formal email to everyone that bullying was not tolerated and will result in immediate termination.

I ended up staying with the company for another 15 years. I was promoted several times so thankfully this episode did not affect my career and I gained a lot of respect from the men who learnt I have a temper they can't treat people this way.

limitedperiodonly · 14/08/2019 00:21

Seriously, limitedperiodonly? Then you haven't been paying attention

You're the one who's not being paying attention Tonnerre. If you had you'd have noticed that I said I'm someone who gets on with her mother-in-law.

limitedperiodonly · 14/08/2019 00:29

@BertrandRussell does not tend to reply to people who do not comply with her point of view @Tonnerre

quizqueen · 14/08/2019 00:30

YHBVU to have put up with this for years, you should have nipped it in the bud straight away.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 00:36

“@BertrandRussell does not tend to reply to people who do not comply with her point of view ”

Of all the things you could have accused me of, I actually can’t think of one wider of the mark!

PickAChew · 14/08/2019 00:42

YANBU. Quite a bullying dynamic.

Neighbour daughter's son is called "BRIYANNNN!!!!!!". Pity the lad.

PickAChew · 14/08/2019 00:44

And bertrand really does side with in laws, even the obviously batshit ones.

Seahorseshoe · 14/08/2019 00:47

Yanbu - However, I don't think a child's birthday party was the place to have tore into them.

But it's done now and you should take a stand and make sure they don't do it again. Just don't go if DH calls it you.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 00:48

“And bertrand really does side with in laws, even the obviously batshit ones.”
I really don’t. I just don’t automatically side against them. I most certainly haven’t sided with them on this thread!

Catsinthecupboard · 14/08/2019 02:24

When someone introduces you with the wrong name, it is appropriate to respond,
"No. They are joking. (Grim smile) My name is Cats. Please call me Cats."

Most people will try to please the person who is introduced by calling them by the preferred name.

FWIW, my mil did not like me or my name. She shortened my name to a non-name that was for spite. For some reason it was only minor in the horridness that was my life with her. Maybe bc I dont like my name either?

BUT I suspect that it was bc my dh is kind. He couldnt stop this but did not approve either. He calls me by my preferred nickname.

This isn't just about mil; OPs husband is a jerk. He's the instigator and he's the reason mil continued the bad joke. I imagine that this is not the only cruel thing in this marriage.

OP, maybe you need to take an honest look at more than this one instance?

twenty4seven247 · 14/08/2019 02:38

Your DH and Mil were mean. YWNU to have snapped because you were feeling exceptionally vulnerable and he should have known you were already taking a break due to stress. You just snapped because it has been going on for so long. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things happen. None of us are perfect.

twenty4seven247 · 14/08/2019 02:39

I hope you feel better soon, OP.

RhiWrites · 14/08/2019 03:31

You did not make a scene, OP. You asked them politely to stop the low key bullying and they doubled down. You were right to push back on it. Don’t go there again until everyone promises to quit the Brian jokes.

OooErMissus · 14/08/2019 03:49

it is appropriate to respond, "No. They are joking. (Grim smile) My name is Cats. Please call me Cats."

It would nice to think this would work.

Along with all the helpful suggestions from people to 'just tell them to stop'.

Ohhhh, right!! Thanks - just tell them to stop, you say?! Why didn't I think of that....?

They are getting off on the OP's unhappiness about this.

Exactly like the wise-arses who've come onto this thread to do exactly what the DH and MIL have done.

Some people just really enjoy being total arseholes.

feistymumma · 14/08/2019 06:02

YANBU, you asked them not to introduce you as Brian and they did. They got what they deserved and if your DH and MIL are upset with you then tough cookies for them.

GPatz · 14/08/2019 06:17

Yes. I think we get the fact that some posters believe that this was not the opportunity to 'kick off', as they have said it multiple times on their posts.

PhilCornwall1 · 14/08/2019 06:32

Don't worry about kicking off, life is too short. You asked her to introduce you using your proper name, which she did, but she then had to be a smart arse after that. I'm now of the mindset that if someone pisses me off, I will tell them there and then.

If your husband continues to call you, I won't say it as it pisses you off, just call him twat and see how he likes it.

EL2019 · 14/08/2019 06:42

Snapped and said this bullshit stops now. It’s gone on for too long and was never funny to begin with. Now DH and I are not talking as he said I made a scene at a child’s birthday.

That’s not making a scene. That’s telling someone very clearly in the moment to knock it off. Good for you.

DH is reacting like that because he knows deep down he’s been an arsehole to you for years and encouraged his family to do the same. He’s trying to project the “wrongness” he feels onto you. Let’s him be uncomfortable. Let him feel the shame. He needs to sit with feeling like shit for a while,

You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve asked them politely loads of times. You even politely preempted MIL’s introduction but she had to push and needle you.

So the child’s birthday thing is him trying to create a diversion from the real issue, which is he has been mocking you with a name you hate for years. Don’t let him derail you with the child’s birthday issue. If it had been Christmas or an anniversary or just a nice Sunday lunch he’d still be going the “but it was the next door neighbour’s dogs graduation from Obedience School party, how could you ruin it?” You didn’t ruin it.

Do not apologise for causing a scene. That wasn’t a scene, that was being assertive. Do t let them label you as a drama maker when you’ve been quietly putting up with their shit for years.

And I’m only half joking when I say your new nickname for him should be “STBexH”