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Original poster

To have kicked off at in-laws?

336 replies

Xen20 · 12/08/2019 16:12

I’m so pissed off. I’m in sick at the moment with stress, I hate my job. I can’t face going back to it.

DH has called me Brian for years. I always hated it but it was a stupid joke that never fucking went away so in the end I just ignored it. He did however, get his entire family to call me Brian too so obviously I just avoid socialising with them.

Yesterday I had to go as it was a child’s birthday. As I said I’m off with stress at the minute so a bit sensitive I suppose. We knocked on door and I head the kids shouting that Dave and Brian we’re here. I ignored it. Got inside, MIL said that some friends were coming over and she would have to introduce us. I said “well introduce me as Ayesha then”. She pulled a face and asked if I’d gotten out the wrong side of the bed. Friends arrive. MIL promptly introduces us as Dave and B ... Ayesha. She then adds “but everyone calls her Brian”.

She snapped and said this bullshit stops now. It’s gone on for too long and was never funny to begin with. Now DH and I are not talking as he said I made a scene at a child’s birthday. I give up.

OP posts:
FireBloodAndIce · 13/08/2019 07:25

No she didnt. She said b hee name but 'everyone'calls her brian. Not explaining anything or she'd have said 'soery od nickname' not drawn attention to it. She pointedly still calling the OP the name and making it clear that's what they use. It's the pettiest and immature trick in the book but pretty well known.

It's a shit thing to do and what people do as a backhanded way of saying what they want.

The husband is a wanker but the in laws know and have been told many times she doesnt like Brian, it's taking the piss out of her appearance FFS. They are bullies too, they could call her by her real name. If they stand around saying nothing or joining in and upsetting someone they are just as shit.

My dad used to do it too, though he always stopped and wasn't as bad. Thought himself funny when actually not though. His mum as bad, worse even, near on gave my cousin an eating disorder with her nicknames. They like to draw people into the jeering, to validate their shitty behaviour. Calling dad on it worked, he was ashamed as he knew what he was being like. My nan? These all sound like her. Nasty and belittling. She still does it, doesn't see the harm in being nasty like that and wonders why she has very few friends she keeps, and family visit. She ground my dad and his siblings down for years. I hope the OP leaves rather then gets ground down more, she's already sick with stress yet the jeering continues.

Pretty obvious this odious family are all very similar. I wonder what their good points are or if OP has just been ground down over the years.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 07:29

JingsMahBucket my understanding of it was the MIL divulged the OP was called Brian because she’d introduced her as B then her name. The OP shouldn’t have kicked off there and then.

I don’t understand why she was even there if she doesn’t usually see them due to them calling her Brian?

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 07:34

They are all awful- but the dh is the worst because the OP has more right to expect him to be on her side and to defend and support her. He isn’t. The mil is a cow. But the OP put herself in the wrong in this particular scenario by making a scene at a child’s party. She needs to talk to all of them one last time, making it very clear that the nick name has been used for the last time. She has to be cold and clear about this- any emotion or crying will be seized on as not being serious about it. That’s what This sort of people are like.

MajesticWhine · 13/08/2019 07:35

YANBU at all OP. They all sound vile. Disgusting behaviour by your H and his family and you were quite within your rights to stick up for yourself, regardless of the occasion.

notapizzaeater · 13/08/2019 07:43

Your 'DH' sounds,like a twat, I'd call him that from now on.

My Nan always called me a totally different 'normal' name to my name but she'd been in a car crash and had suffered brain damage so I just answered to that for her - no one else would have dared call me anything other than my name. A couple of aunts tried it (because of nan) and a quick snarl soon sorted it.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 07:50

“you were quite within your rights to stick up for yourself, regardless of the occasion.”

Well- if she wants to operate at their level she was.....

FireBloodAndIce · 13/08/2019 07:53

While it's not ideal BertrandRussell, if i was the parents and the party was disrupted (which we only have the bullies judgement on, used to pick fights with OP) i would point blame squarely at the husband and family.

The OP is sick with stress, she asked her MIL not to upset her more. MIL did and she snapped. Not ideal but shit happens. Bullies push and eventually there's a snapping point.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 07:55

“would point blame squarely at the husband and family.”

So would I. But the child concerned would still be upset and have her party spoiled. That’s the point.

MrsBertBibby · 13/08/2019 07:57

They pick situations like a child's party to pull this shit precisely because they rely on properly behaved people not reacting, so they can carry on with the shitty behaviour.

I doubt the kids even noticed. We had a vile great aunt who bullied and picked on our lovely grandma for years until my mother threw her out on Christmas Day (poor Dad had to drive her home in disgrace). We hadn't noticed a thing

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 13/08/2019 08:03

"so obviously I just avoided socialising with them".

You see, to me that really isn't the way to handle your husband and his family giving you a nickname you don't like.

Howyiz · 13/08/2019 08:09

Your husband and his family sound like dickhead.
While some say that you shouldn't have done it at a child's party, I think it was hthe perfect time. Now they know that you will not allow social niceties get in the way of bollocking them if they continue to disrespect you.
I hope you are doing OK.

sue51 · 13/08/2019 08:09

Calling you a name they know makes you fell uncomfortable is bullying behaviour. You rightly challenged them on it. Bullying is never acceptable and coming from your husband and inlaws, more than usually vile. YANBU.

OooErMissus · 13/08/2019 08:20

She needs to talk to all of them one last time, making it very clear that the nick name has been used for the last time. She has to be cold and clear about this

And you think this will work why....? Confused

FireBloodAndIce · 13/08/2019 08:22

So would I. But the child concerned would still be upset and have her party spoiled. That’s the point

But nowhere has OP said that happened. Dhe said the bullies are annoyed she made a fuss in public party not that she upset the child or party. I suspect it's yet another thing to get at her with.

If the child was upset and the parents didn't join in the bullying (which makes them as responsible too if they were) then if OP i would text the parents, apologise about snapping but state that she's unwell and was being bullied again.

Also she didn't chose her moment to let rip then, sick with stress and upset she snapped. They chose their moment, she didn't in fact she tried to stop it

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 08:41

Fair enough if the children didn’t notice. But “kicking off” and “making a scene” suggests that it was pretty obvious. And apart from anything else, that’s playing into their hands. It gives them another stick to beat her with- or another incident to find hilariously funny...

JingsMahBucket · 13/08/2019 08:53

They would’ve beaten her with something else anyway. It doesn’t matter what the OP does or how polite she is. They don’t respect her. Going off on them finally broke the pretense that their dumb joke was tolerable.

user1471590586 · 13/08/2019 09:13

I think the OP did precisely the right thing. These bullies need their behaviour calling out in front of others. That's the only thing that will alter their behaviour, the fact that outsiders have witnessed it. It will be all about appearances and people seeing their true selves is probably why the husband is annoyed. I bet the MIL is embarrassed that her behaviour has been shown to others. I can't imagine the kids even noticed and if they did, the blame lies totally with the ops husband and MIL. To those saying talk to the family and not make a scene; that may work with rational, nice people. But these clearly are not rational, nice people. The OP has asked them previously and it hasn't worked. The OP needs to threaten to reveal to everyone how they treat her. Their vile behaviour being made public will be what stops them.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/08/2019 09:20

Have to say I don't understand why this thread is so unbelievable to some posters, or why they are challenging the veracity of events. If you suspect trolling why not discreetly message MNHQ, instead of further undermining someone who claims to be at the end of her tether?

I for one don't find it at all surprising that the world is full of dick behaviour, and the story doesn't sound at all outlandish to me. The DH is the worst - to the point that I'd feel unable to live with someone who consistently belittled and undermined me in this way. The in-laws, who have been repeatedly told to quit with their childish nonsense, and ignored these requests, are almost as bad. But I'm open-mouthed at the number of posters who have jumped on their childish bandwagon, despite their knowledge that the OP finds it upsetting, joining in with the 'Yah, Brian!' catcalling followed by those inane laughter emoticons. Seriously, are you people adults?

It's not too difficult to spot who the schoolyard bullies were on this thread. Have a word with yourselves - you should be bloody well ashamed. And while you're at it, grow up.

OP is unsurprisingly long gone (can anyone blame her)? but FWIW, YANBU. Everyone has a tipping point; no wonder with that degree of provocation your MiL has found yours. Flowers

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 09:28

I think the OP did precisely the right thing. These bullies need their behaviour calling out in front of others.

It’s never the right thing to lose your rag at a child’s birthday celebration. OP has put herself in the wrong and made herself look unreasonable when she actually had a fair point.

But this forum is full of women ‘losing their shit’, ‘kicking off’ and ‘calling people out’ at totally inappropriate moments, so I’m not surprised if other posters think it’s acceptable.

phoenixrosehere · 13/08/2019 09:30

Don’t think OP made the conscious decision to snap at her mil at a child’s party so why are some of you concentrating on that? Most people don’t choose the places they lose their cool in. Most people also don’t go out of their way to call people a name they have repeatedly said they didn’t like either. She asked once again for her mil to call her by her name, mil chose to add in the name they call her knowing she hated it.

OP most likely wouldn’t have snapped if mil respected her and kept it at her actual name.

Mesmermancer · 13/08/2019 10:26

Well that must have been super awkward for the friends

So?

would guess that your DH and and his family are less upset at the commotion, and more upset that they’ve been called out on their appalling behaviour in front of their friends and they’re embarrassed, which they should be

Agree

Motoko · 13/08/2019 10:37

@NoSauce have you reported this thread, if you don't believe it? You know fine well that troll hunting is not allowed.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 10:40

Yes I reported it yesterday.

limitedperiodonly · 13/08/2019 12:03

Why wouldn't this be true? Groups of bullies do this sort of thing all the time and when the victim protests, say they just forgot and it's only a joke.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 13:04

One of the things about being a grown up is that you don’t “kick off”.