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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have kicked off at in-laws?

336 replies

Xen20 · 12/08/2019 16:12

I’m so pissed off. I’m in sick at the moment with stress, I hate my job. I can’t face going back to it.

DH has called me Brian for years. I always hated it but it was a stupid joke that never fucking went away so in the end I just ignored it. He did however, get his entire family to call me Brian too so obviously I just avoid socialising with them.

Yesterday I had to go as it was a child’s birthday. As I said I’m off with stress at the minute so a bit sensitive I suppose. We knocked on door and I head the kids shouting that Dave and Brian we’re here. I ignored it. Got inside, MIL said that some friends were coming over and she would have to introduce us. I said “well introduce me as Ayesha then”. She pulled a face and asked if I’d gotten out the wrong side of the bed. Friends arrive. MIL promptly introduces us as Dave and B ... Ayesha. She then adds “but everyone calls her Brian”.

She snapped and said this bullshit stops now. It’s gone on for too long and was never funny to begin with. Now DH and I are not talking as he said I made a scene at a child’s birthday. I give up.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 13/08/2019 13:15

The OP is off work at the moment with stress. She is more vulnerable than usual and probably constantly near breaking point. Her MIL knew that and deliberately goaded her.

And to be quite honest, I really doubt that an adult snapping at another adult would ruin a children’s party. They probably didn’t even notice.

phoenixrosehere · 13/08/2019 13:24

And one of the things you don’t do as an adult is continue to call someone a name they don’t like and have asked you several times not to do making them “kick off”...

Motoko · 13/08/2019 13:31

Yes I reported it yesterday

So quit with the troll hunting. You know the rules.

Ce7913 · 13/08/2019 13:43

I'm blown away that you've stayed married to someone who has not only disrespected you for years, but actively encouraged his extended family to do the same.

I'm amazed that you've spent any time whatsoever with in-laws who insist on calling you a disparaging, unflattering name other than your own after you repeatedly made your wishes clear. So, so fucking rude.

I'm surprised it took you this long to finally flip.

It's revolting, the way they've all gotten a kick out of making you the family joke.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 14:00

“And one of the things you don’t do as an adult is continue to call someone a name they don’t like and have asked you several times not to do”
I agree. As I have said several times. And I would have been cheering the OP on 100% if she had not brought an adult’s row into a child’s party.

ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2019 15:12

They sound like a nasty shower of shits. I think you did the right thing calling them out (perhaps not the best timing but there’s never going to be a right time to do it)

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 15:15

Are you going to leave him OP if he keeps calling you Brian???

What’s been said since you kicked off at the party?

JingsMahBucket · 13/08/2019 16:04

@nosauce why do you care? You don’t even believe this is a real thread.

ombre123 · 13/08/2019 16:07

It would piss me off too but I don't think you dealt with the situation well TBH. I'm sure there would've been better opportunities than the one that you chose to kick off. Sorry that you're feeling stress, I'm sure this wouldn't have helped x

Scorpiovenus · 13/08/2019 16:14

Ah they are being unreasonable. Call them all by the opposite sex names and say dory for the husband. See how they like it.

Id find it rude too, Husband is allowed to nick name me but his family isn't. Specially kids... sounds like a private joke has gotten out of hand :(

your not like Brian. Your not a bloke and so what if you moan. With a husband like that I can see why lol

whatever123noname · 13/08/2019 16:16

YABU you really didn’t deal with it well at all. BUT you are under a lot of stress, I have been there and understand how hard it must be and how you it’s hard to grit your teeth in the circumstances.

I think you say to DH you’re sorry you made a fuss at the party but he should have stopped this a long time ago. This is borderline bullying behaviour.

starfish2385 · 13/08/2019 16:21

Yanbu. Your DH and mil were deliberately rude and tried to humiliate you in front of strangers. Mil saying "But everyone calls her Brian" is what caused the scene not you. Do they recognise they're a family of bullies? Good for you for standing up to it OP!

tolerable · 13/08/2019 17:35

why did it say "she snaps"..i thoughtchu meant mil blew up.?

Fowles94 · 13/08/2019 17:39

It would not bother me at all, our families are relaxed and that kind of thing would just be laughed off.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 17:42

“why did it say "she snaps"..i thoughtchu meant mil blew up.?”
Because it is obviously a typo....

simiisme · 13/08/2019 17:42

My FIL used to call me Brian May quite often - again, due to my hair. However, it wasn't constant.
I would have bitten my tongue at a kids' party, but it sounds as if you are under a lot of other stress which your family seem insensitive to.
Start calling the PILs Bill & Ben or something equally silly.

1Wildheartsease · 13/08/2019 17:42

Do they have unflattering names for everyone else in the family?

It would make it all less mean if they did (sounds a bit 'playground though' ) ... but still shows little respect for your feelings.

If they do it in public again, start an entertaining naming game for everyone else. Do have a few 'funny' suggestions that link characteristics of your in laws with known celebrities/public figures. What a joke that will be.

Toooldfornonsense · 13/08/2019 17:45

Your hair is what it is. Your husband is cruel and his parents for going along with it. Divorce him. A husband wouldn’t openly embarrass or demean his wife like this. Shame on him

EllenMP · 13/08/2019 17:49

I agree with the poster who said you should call the birthday child's parent and apologise for snapping. But also explain that you have always hated that nickname and that everyone using it while knowing you don't like it has always felt a little passive aggressive. Which it is. And you need to have a conversation with your husband about why he feels the need to belittle you in a way that he can pass off as a "joke." Which is what he is doing. And it's horrible. The rest of the family may not have known how much it upsets you, but I'm sure he does.

StormTreader · 13/08/2019 18:02

Why on earth aren't they calling you "his ex-wife"? I wouldn't put up with this bare-faced disrespect- it's only a joke if everyone is laughing, this is just bullying.

Jack80 · 13/08/2019 18:22

I would ask your partner to call and apologise but say you want to be called by your name and you are stressed and usually wouldn't have acted this way at a party.

nuxe1984 · 13/08/2019 18:22

Your husband is a bully. This might have started as a joke but when he knew it upset you he should have stopped, not encouraged the family to join in.

As for snapping at the party, when you have mental ill health it is a stressful situation that will cause you to go over the edge. And as you know they'd all be there calling you by this horrible name, and your mental reserves are low right now, you reacted.

Not sure what you can do. If the marriage is that bad then leave. If not then sit down and tell him how you really feel about all this - his reaction and subsequent actions will give you an idea as to what he feels about you.
Have nothing to do with the rest of the family.
And if none of this is possible then fight him with his own game ... start calling him by a girls name. See if he likes it.

ConferencePear · 13/08/2019 18:25

OP particularly asked to be introduced by her real name and MIL introduced her as Brian anyway.
No wonder she blew.

phoenixrosehere · 13/08/2019 18:30

And I would have been cheering the OP on 100% if she had not brought an adult’s row into a child’s party.

You make it sounds as if she did it intentionally. I agree it wasn’t the best time but mil could have kept the “but everyone else calls her Brian” s**t out. You are taking away from what mil did knowing op asked her not to call her Brian beforehand and that OP has said she has asked repeatedly for them to stop.

Mil could have kept it out but she chose not to knowing it annoys OP and OP reacted.

browneyes77 · 13/08/2019 18:32

I think under normal circumstances the OP may not have snapped at a child’s party, but the fact that she is currently off work suffering with stress probably means her emotions are heightened and this was just the straw that broke the camels back. So in her current state of mind, she just flipped.

OP, your DH sounds about 12. Honestly, his sense of humour sounds super immature and he clearly has low emotional intelligence if he thinks that this is a funny joke and doesn’t stop it when he sees how upset it makes you.

Your DH is the cause of this. If he told his family not to call you that anymore and he referred to you by your actual name, there might be more of a chance they’d follow suit.

Frankly, I’d tell this was all down to him. That HE was the one who started this stupid Brian shit. That HE was the one who told his family to call it you. That HE was the one that didn’t stop calling you this name and continues to let his family call it you. And that he is fully aware of the stress you’re under right now and should be supporting you instead of increasing your stress levels by behaving like an immature dick.

Ok, so a kiddies party may not have been the ideal place to kick off about this, but I suspect that it was just the last straw at a time when you’re already feeling stressed out to the max. We’re human and sometimes our emotions get the better of us.

If he continues with this immature behaviour, I’d do what other PP’s suggested and start calling him by an offensive nickname and then make sure he knows his DM and family will get one too. See how long they enjoy being called by their new nicknames.