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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Sil's present makes her a cheeky f**cker!

228 replies

RandomeUsername · 12/08/2019 12:56

Sil got DH a family photo package present for his birthday. Nice present because we have a young dc. But it's in the city thats near to her and mil and an hour and a half away from us. She also has said to arrange it with her when we go because she wants to be in the photos. AIBU to think that's quite cheeky of her?

OP posts:
Thatagain · 12/08/2019 15:21

Yes both cheeky and funny at the same time. It like my sil who lives in London saying l have got you a birthday present but you will have to come and get it even though I live in dorset. I would say thanks but no thanks. Good idea though I just cannot get to the location on time on that day or in the near future. I would say maybe you should have the photos done and send one to us. Seems like she brought herself a present or maybe she won it and tryed to give it away as a birthday present.

Arghplaydoh · 12/08/2019 15:21

I think it's an utterly shit present.

What does your dh think?

phoenixrosehere · 12/08/2019 15:21

Unless your dh has mentioned wanting this, I agree it’s cheeky. It doesn’t sound like a proper gift especially the way she is handling it.

Piffle11 · 12/08/2019 15:22

I think it's shit! She basically wants a family photo with your DH, and is using his birthday as a way of not having to shell out again. And you'll be paying for the extras that mount up, I bet. And you have to drive 90 mins one way for the privilege? How kind … Are you sure when you get there she isn't going to be dictating who is in the photos? Her and her DB, her and DB and MIL, her, DB, MIL and your DC … oh and I suppose Randome should be in one …!

nameonhat · 12/08/2019 15:22

''She does have a form for being quite cheeky, entitled, self centered and demanding. So yeah I'm not her biggest fan''

yea see that is the problem there, as they say ''once you dislike somebody you will dislike everything they do.'' Not judging you as we all do this but simply put you are going to be sceptical of anything she does as you don't really like her.

RebootYourEngine · 12/08/2019 15:23

It is a strange present. The photo shoot itself isn't but her saying that she wants to be in them is and also that she hasn't actually given you the present but kept it herself. Then dictated where you need to have the photo shoot.

TwentyEight12 · 12/08/2019 15:25

@RandomeUsername

It’s a good question and one people have been asking for probably 100s if not 1000s of years. Why are people self-entitled? Why don’t they concern themselves with the feelings of others? And so on...

What I’ve learned is that people have different mentalities and different levels of awareness and they operate from those places. It just does not even enter on their radar that they may be upsetting someone by their choice of actions or choice of words. Therefore, it’s not personal. And that is probably the best exit out of this feeling I can signpost to you. It isn’t personal, it isn’t that she has specifically singled you or her brother out, it’s just her. Just her way of understanding how the world works through the mentality and level of awareness she has.

I find the best way out of getting really riled up and upset about what someone else has said or done is to accept that it’s happened for nothing more than a minute or two and then laughs it off.

Laughter is the best medicine 😀

Original poster
RandomeUsername · 12/08/2019 15:37

@TwentyEight12 thank you, that's very good advice. There are some things that makes me think she singles dh out though. For bils 25th birthday she demanded dh go in on an expensive present, that cost 80 each. She did the same for DH's father's for Christmas for an expensive coffee machine. Dh contributed to both of these. Then for DH's father's 60th birthday she demanded he pay 100 pounds towards a weekend away for him. Even dh thought that was too expensive so he said no. For DH's 30th she didn't organise one of these joint expensive presents, she bought him something cheap. She seems to treat dh the worst out of the whole family

OP posts:
TheCatThatDanced · 12/08/2019 15:42

OP - it's worse than I thought then... she won't listen! You have my sympathies! Smile

TwentyEight12 - of course people can change! I, myself went through a bit of a stroppy phase (not that long, approx 6 months!) in my 20's and whilst it was tolerated for a while I was told in no uncertain terms that I was behaving like a brat and my behaviour had to change, which it did!

I'm not surprised on OP's update that she's a bit resentful of SIL's spoiled behaviour. I do see it from both sides though, SIL has no DC or DH and OP does have DC and DH, and in a lot of ways, I think having DC and DH makes a person a bit more mature than a singleton without those commitments (prepared to be flamed here for that statement!).

ifIwerenotanandroid · 12/08/2019 15:42

My SIL was like this (& like thatagain's SIL). She was my SIL for about 40 years & pulled stunts like this all the time.

Specified expensive gifts, asked for money, gave us cr*p cheap gifts & even things we'd given her.

Told us she'd got Xmas presents ready to send to us, so I sent ours to her family, then she rang to say thanks for the gifts which have just arrived, sadly yours are not postable so they'll have to wait until we see you (no plans & we didn't see them for 18 months).

Would also send semi-decent presents but with no protective wrapping so they were damaged on arrival: very passive-aggressive.

After our wedding (which she made trouble about) demanded that we send her the entire, very heavy official wedding photo album - er, no.

As you say, it's easier when your DH is on side with it all. Mine, bless him, wanted a happy family - don't we all - & kept expecting/hoping that she'd be normal. I was 95% certain she wouldn't be but retained that 5% of hope until she died.

This smells of CFery. Decide what you want to do, do it & ignore the fall-out.

Mary1935 · 12/08/2019 15:48

Sounds like she bought it for herself.

Original poster
RandomeUsername · 12/08/2019 15:50

Know her for 10 years now, doubt she is going to change. Especially since her family tolerate her behaviour.

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 12/08/2019 16:01

@RandomeUsername

Yes that is her level of awareness regards her brother, your husband.

That has been cultured over a period of time no doubt, probably before you met your husband. So her awareness and mentality concerning her brother is just this; he is there to provide or to rely on. This is the way she sees him, perhaps this is the way she has always seen him. If he has mostly assisted in these dynamics, she has come to see them as normal. Perhaps he did or even still does see them as normal too at times. Again, I am not saying that it is right nor wrong, it’s just the dynamic of the relationship they have had.

What has changed is that he met you. And you are a different type of person wanting and/or expecting a different or certain type of dynamic with him. And here lies the issue. You both want/expect a certain type of dynamic from him in your different ways. Again, I am not saying this is right or wrong, it’s just what is.

In both wanting and expecting from him, there is now conflict. And that conflict is bringing up unpleasant feelings in you which are not making you feel good because somehow you have found yourself fighting your husband’s war for him.

So what to do? Continue the conflict or do something different?

Could you allow your husband to fight his own war with his sister should he want to? Would that help you to alleviate the resentment you feel?

BrokenWing · 12/08/2019 16:05

Tell dh to ask her to send over a copy of the present so you can see what is included. I wouldn't be travelling for an hour and half for a bargain "photo shoot" that might not include any prints and could end up costing you a fortune.

TwentyEight12 · 12/08/2019 16:19

@TheCatThatDanced

I agree that people can change too if they want to.

I was aware that I had said or at least I thought I had said that a person doesn’t have the power to change another. Well I guess they do, it just requires force, that’s a different conversation for another post another day tho 😉

diddl · 12/08/2019 16:37

" She seems to treat dh the worst out of the whole family"

Is that since he said no to spending £100 on his dad's 60th?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 12/08/2019 16:43

I’d just never book it and let the idea peter out

Motoko · 12/08/2019 16:46

Given the SiL's habit of making everything all about her, I'm being a world class cynic about this! I'm seeing a situation where the OP and her family turn up for the photo shoot and discover that the OP's only there to keep the children in check - SiL doesn't plan on having her in any of the photos.

^ This, exactly.

OP, you still haven't said what your DH thinks about it. But, if he wants to go ahead with it, you need to make sure he doesn't spend any family money on these photos. If he wants to buy them, they need to come out of his personal spending, otherwise, you'll be paying for 2 birthday presents for him, your own present, and SIL's present.

I wouldn't have anything to do with SIL.

shockthemonkey · 12/08/2019 16:53

It may be she knows the studio to be a particularly good one and prefers to give a present she knows the worth of.

Or, more likely, she’s not especially bothered. Like my BIL who once gave me a book on a topic I have no interest in (but that he finds fascinating), written in a language I don’t speak.

Original poster
RandomeUsername · 12/08/2019 16:56

TwentyEight12 thanks, good advice. I see what you are saying.
Could you allow your husband to fight his own war with his sister should he want to? problem is he will just let her walk over him and give into her demands. That would just make me feel more resentment. Especially if we spend 80 pounds on her at Christmas and birthdays. I feel I have to stop my husband from being a mug. Otherwise my Sil will continue to get away with being cheeky and entitled. If you know what I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomeUsername · 12/08/2019 16:59

diddl DH's 30th was before he said no to giving her 100 pounds for his father's present.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/08/2019 17:01

If she has "won" it then that is hilarious. Sorry OP!

If it's a proper gift then she'll have paid for some prints too.

brookelopez · 12/08/2019 17:03

another vote here for it turning out to be a raffle prize!

diddl · 12/08/2019 17:08

" DH's 30th was before he said no to giving her 100 pounds for his father's present."

I did wonder.

I find people who make demands on how others spend their money very tedious.

What's likely to happen if you leave it to him to organise?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 12/08/2019 17:19

I don't think it's cheeky, I think she thought a family portrait would be nice for DH, MIL & herself. It's quite sentimental.

Except she gave it as a gift. That's the cheeky bit.

Your DH needs to find out where the proposed photo shoot is supposed to take place, ring them and ask what package has been bought and what's included. He can then make a decision whether it's a gift he actually wants.

I disagree with ppl saying it's none of your business. If this turns out to be one of those things that runs you into expense, he'll presumably be spending family money.