About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

If someone is going to be a stay at home parent it needs to be agreed by both members of the partnership. Your partner is asking you to get a job.

If you haven't got a mortgage I don't understand why your bills are so out of control and you can't afford childcare if you were to work.

Because they decided to not only move but substantially upgrade what price of house. Or that's what it sounds like. Instead of getting something similar or a little bit more for a small mortgage sounds like the got a much larger mortgage than they could realistically handle.

I have family with children with two working parents and it is very much a rush job, from breakfast club to school to after school club, with very little quality time with either parent.

I am a working single parent. My kids get loads of attention. It's really not that difficult. Mornings are a rush. Same with sahp. Organising your time and an afternoon and evening, is quite easy to ensure the kids have lots of attention.

Besides which, the op and her dh cant afford their bills. So she does infact need to go to work.

Sounds like the DHS kidney is gone as she wants to access the kids money

I think it's fine to say to your husband he will need to be involved in the childcare arrangements, as term time school hours jobs are few and far between. Probably staying in your midday job would give you inside advantage for something like that. It sounds like money is an immediate issue - could you enquire with employment agencies for short-term temp jobs and your husband take some leave to cover it?

As for the inheritance.

My mum left most of her estate to my DC. Quite likely a lot less than what you're talking about. But for minors, the rules are the same - The Trustee must act in the best financial interests of the children. It's actually caused some really big rows with my husband and I'm seriously considering divorce. Because it's really brought to the fore some things about him I find completely intolerable.

I worked for years 9.30-2.30 in an admin job
I also employ 20 people now who all work part time. Part time work does exist and it isn’t some kind of rainbow unicorn.

Shop assistant
Cleaner
Receptionist
Teaching assistant
Working in a nursery
Care assistant
Waitressing

I think your dear mil would not have wanted the inheritance spent on monthly bills. Or your fil either. Probably why he is responsible now.
With the greatest of respect, try to live within your means, and don't touch this money

Your DH should gave control of the inheritance as it was left to him and the DC, not your fil. You, however, should get a job. You shouldn't be using the DC's inheritance to subsidize your life, that's outrageous! Presumably they could use it to get a deposit for a house eventually.

It's really not that difficult. Mornings are a rush. Same with sahp. Organising your time and an afternoon and evening, is quite easy to ensure the kids have lots of attention.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I am not going to come on here and tell you your children don’t get enough attention.

But not am I going to pretend that I haven’t seen other families struggling to ensure their children get enough attention, combined with two full time working parents, on night or evening shifts, using childcare until 6pm, rushing round afterwards. I just can’t. It’s pretty obvious to me that a parent at home before children go to school and when they get home, with time in the day for chores, has more time available for their kids.

It's not your money to spend. I think your DH has asked his Dad to look after it otherwise you would spend it. I agree with other posters - you need to get a job to bring some more money in. I think nowadays being SAHP is rather a luxury than the norm. It's fine if you can afford it but you are over spending and need to earn some more cash.
You're lucky the kids will have some sort of money for them when they are older so they can maybe get on the housing ladder.

@herculepoirot2

No one is suggesting Op start working 40 hours a week
But she only does 1 hour a day term time only (that’s if it’s every day)

That’s a vast difference between a part time job and a full time job

Your children are at least 9/10 years old. That's old enough to cope with having you out of the house at work and all the change that comes with it. Plenty of families have two parents working full- time and they make it work. There are so many jobs that fit around school hours too. You could be a cleaner, for example; a job or two a day and you could still be home in time for 3pm. Or as well as midday meal supervisor, you could work at an after school club. Then the children could go with you.

You cannot use your children's inheritance just because you don't want to get a job. They might well find that money really useful in the future (let's face it, most young people nowadays need some financial help) - how would they feel if they found out you'd frittered it away?

YABVU. Go and get a job - having DC at the end of their primary school years does not give you an automatic exemption from contributing to the household bills if your DH isn't earning enough.

I have 2 DC in breakfast and after school clubs as DH and I both work full time, they are thriving and don't find it at all "disruptive".

I cannot believe you would steal from your own children.

Some of those jobs you list are quite a lot harder to get school hours (remember that includes holidays too) than they used to be pookie. I'm not saying it isn't possible for OP to work more. Not at all. But there aren't loads of jobs that would allow her DH not to have to make any adjustments and the one she's already in apparently isn't enough. So he would need to be on board.

Is the money your DH or the kids ? How is FIL administering it ? Do you have to ask for it ?

2 separate issues:

The control aspect on the inheritance money. Was this left freely to your dh/dc or with restrictions/in a trust for fil to control? What sort of account is it held in?

Living beyond your means. Even pt work would help you manage bills better, not working is a luxury you cannot afford.

PookieDo

Some people are suggesting night shifts, evenings, essentially still doing her job as ‘mum at home’ but working awkward hours the rest of the time. It is my strong suspicion that the women doing these sorts of hours to earn relatively low wages cleaning offices or hospitals are exhausting themselves trying to do most of the childcare, cooking, cleaning and admin as well. How often do we see it on here?

Women are their own worst enemies sometimes.

What proportion was left to DH and what are the plans for the money? It totally depends how much is sitting in FILs control.

Obviously you do not touch the inheritance for the kids, that's for their future. If you can't make ends meet now well yes you work. This will not be harmful to the children, but stick to 20-25 hours a week if you'd prefer, initially just to make funds stretch a bit further.

If however your DH has a 6 figure proportion of the inheritance sitting in an account that you could utilise a few quid of for a few years to top up the spends until you're in FT work, then this could be an option. But absolutely no, don't dip into the kids inheritance. Even on the premise you'll pay back. What if you can't?? What if you get poorly and can't work? No no no. That's a dangerous move.

There are plenty of part time jobs, but how many are term time only? Holiday clubs are as expensive as nursery, and you can't just have every half term and summer holiday off. I'm not saying don't get a part time job, but consider the cost over the whole year rather than just breakfast club during term time.

You need to go through your household budget and work out what needs to be done, including moving to somewhere you can afford if necessary.

@herculepoirot2 if some families struggle to give their kids enough attention, then that's their issue. Not an issue for all working parents. Its ridiculous to suggest that. It also doesnt mean it has to be that way for the OP.

That's like saying all sahp, give their kids their undivided attention from 3.30pm till bed time, cause I know someone who does.

If someone wants to be sahp, and their partners wants that too, that's great. Crack on. I dont judge that.

But making our working parents cant give their kids enough attention, is just ridiculous and smacks of someone trying to put others down to justify their life choices. No need to that

You do what the rest of us do.

Holiday clubs
Annual leave (remembering there are 2 sets of annual leave to use)
Parental leave if it works our better to be unpaid.

Etc

1. Pop over to the moneysaving expert website plus forum and immediately start cutting down your costs. You have no mortgage so where are you wasting money?

1. If your youngest kid is 10/11 start looking for what you are going to do for work in September 2020.

1. Start getting each of your children to pull their weight around the house. Your children will need to know how to run a household when they move out at 18 or later. Doing it all for them doesn't help them long term. For example your 10/11 year old should know how to separate washing, empty a washing machine and hang out clothes. If you have a 13/14 year old they should know how to iron their own school uniform, separate washing , put on a washing machine on the right program for load and hang out clothes. A 15/16 year old should know how to do all laundry properly.

Be aware until a child is around 14 they will frequently do things badly. Depending on the difficulty of the task you either lump it and quietly redo it each time, or reprimand them.

1. Make your husband pulls his weight as well if he isn't e.g. he's the one who cleans up after dinner if you cook with one of the children helping. The children need to see it is everyone in the households job to keep the house ticking over.

Your children's inheritance is not for you to touch it is for their education or a flat/house deposit when they are older.

Your husband has already made it clear that he doesn't want you to spend his inheritance by ensuring his FIL controls it and telling you to get a job.

Surely you could get a 2 day a week admin role, you wouldn’t need to pay any tax and wouldn’t cause too much disruption to your children.

But making our working parents cant give their kids enough attention, is just ridiculous and smacks of someone trying to put others down to justify their life choices. No need to that

No, I am not doing that. I am pointing out a simple physical fact of the world we live in: time isn’t infinite. There are only so many hours in the day, and the hours the OP works will have to come from somewhere. At the moment they come from time spent with her kids, doing the school run and managing the house (cooking, cleaning and admin). It’s pretty irrefutable that if she goes to work someone will still have to cook and clean, so it is likely that she will have less time for her children. That isn’t critical of anybody. It’s just a fact. If the DH is in a position to ameliorate that issue with his own money (not his kids’ money) then I think it is very selfish of him to refuse unless he is planning on also taking on 50/50 in the house.

As the inheritance was for your husband and 3 children it should have been put into 4 separate accounts from the start, not kept in one account. Is there an age specified as to when the children get total access to their own portion - 18, 21 ??

How is this one account being assessed for tax each year?

There are two separate issues here:

1. Your children's inheritance. No, you shouldn't be spending that. It was left to them, not you and your DH. It should be in a fund for them which they can then receive when they're old enough. Neither you nor your FIL should have sole access to that money until then; there should be a system in place where neither of you can touch it without the other's permission, to protect the money for the kids. You should not be spending money left to your children to avoid getting a job and/or to fund a more expensive lifestyle. Neither should your FIL be able to exclusively control money that was left to your children.

1. Your DH's inheritance. He should not have to ask his FIL for access to that, regardless of his FIL being executor of the will. Fine for FIL to help with financial management if he happens to know a lot about investments etc, but not fine for your DH to have to ask every time he wants to spend his own money, and if your FIL is controlling that and your DH has no access to it, the terms of your MIL's will aren't being met.

I'll bet you DH and FIL worked it out between them for FIL to handle the money to keep it away from you. DH and I both work FT, have 3 kids in school, manage a household and still find plenty of time to be with our children and have hobbies of our own. You have no excuses. Either get a job or stop living beyond your means. Leave the inheritance to those who it was intended for.