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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 12/08/2019 10:51

Well I'd say it's mainly up to your DH to deal with his FIL. Is your DH happy about the way FIL is handling it?

Original poster
BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:51

We have 3 children all of primary school age for at least another year. We have no childcare so if I work, DC would have to go to childcare at least before or after school. They have not been in childcare since pre-school, I do the school run every day. I got a job last year as a midday supervisor but apparently I'm not earning enough. I also do the vast majority of managing the household.

I don't want to fritter away their inheritance but I think the disruption to them of me doing more hours is more harmful than borrowing some money now that I can give them back in a few years when I'll be able to do more hours.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 10:52

Are you also trying to take your kids inheritance? So you don't have to work?

Quartz2208 · 12/08/2019 10:52

Its not a good use of inheritance - you are spending beyond your means. How on earth are you mortgage free and still struggling. And instead of being an adult and getting a job so that the money is there for your future and your children future for big things that you need you want to fritter it away.

I would say he is better managing the money given that you seem to want to spend it

Also its just a pension benefit then rather than the house etc

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 10:53

Jesus, you do wish to take your kids inheritance 😱

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/08/2019 10:54

I think is the husband that worries it will be frittered away

By giving his dad control over it, op can't use it to support her staying at home. He dosen't have to say no.

I wonder if OP has a history of wanting to spend money, leaving them short.

Since the title says childrens money. I wonder if most if the DHS money went on the mortgage. And what's left is the kids money.

The kids money absolutely shouldn't spent on OP, staying at home.

If her and the dh are happy to spend theirs on her staying at home that would be fine. But if one of them doesn't want to do that. Then op needs to go to work.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 10:54

Is the money not sub-divided into what your DH is entitled to take out and what belongs to your DC?

This is nuts.

adaline · 12/08/2019 10:54

The inheritance is for your children, not to support you staying at home indefinitely - get a job!

slashlover · 12/08/2019 10:55

We have 3 children all of primary school age for at least another year.

What ages are they? To me that seems like the youngest is 10 or 11? Surely old enough to get himself/herself ready for school with the help of elder siblings?

fishonabicycle · 12/08/2019 10:55

It's not your money! It's your children's. The part that was left to your husband - well, that is down to him to get. He needs to sort that out himself. And yes - if you are struggling financially, get a job.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 10:56

Why should DHS and your dcs inheritance be spent so you don't have to work?

THIS! I’m really glad your FIL is managing the account as you sound grabby AF!! Hmm

Userzzzzz · 12/08/2019 10:56

You have to be quite careful here. If the money is in Fils name rather than yours it could be swallowed up in care fees or if he died, subject to IT. Why on Earth is he managing it and controlling its use when it is your DH’s money? He hasn’t been generous if it is yours.

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 10:56

Wow. You are seriously out of order. Who takes money from their kids so they don’t have to work?

Absolute nonsense too about disrupting the school run. Plenty of people do it and what tosh that the children will suffer. You just don’t want to work.

Summerunderway · 12/08/2019 10:56

Get a job and bill dh for 50 % of the childcare. Do him a dh household list he has to manage - Chores /Dr appointments for the dc etc.
Him leaving all the finances to fil and you suits him well I guess?

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 10:57

Has your FIL paid off your mortgage using his own money or the inheritance he’s managing for you? I’m confused at the relevance of this?

TipsyToasty · 12/08/2019 10:57

First off, you need to ringfence the money allocated to your children and keep that for them when they’re older.

Your H’s share of the inheritance, I think is for discussion between you and him.

I do think you need to find paid employment. Plenty of mothers work and find suitable childcare. Yours aren’t very young.

And “managing the household” sounds like you’re running a stately pile or similar.

You’ve put yourself into a very vulnerable position if you’re out of the workforce for a very long time. What happens when your DC are at secondary school or have left home? What’s your own pension provision?

LizzieVereker · 12/08/2019 10:57

You need to forget about the inheritance as it isn’t yours to take. Pretend it isn’t there.

If you are living in a house/have bills that you can’t afford you need to work more and get some childcare if necessary, many many families do and the children are fine. The inheritance money is irrelevant as it doesn’t exist for your use.

covetingthepreciousthings · 12/08/2019 10:57

We have no childcare so if I work, DC would have to go to childcare at least before or after school.

What about a shop job for 4 hours 10-2 or similar, or if your DH works mon-Friday, you could do some shifts on a weekend?
Or evening work?

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 12/08/2019 10:58

YABU

MynameisJune · 12/08/2019 10:58

No wonder your DH is letting his Dad look after the money. You want to use it to fund your lifestyle that you can’t afford.

I have two small children, a husband that works away and I work 3 long days a week. Your kids will adapt to the change.

wibbletooth · 12/08/2019 10:58

Why not tell dh that as you can’t afford the house that you’ve now moved to that you need to downsize to somewhere that you (as a family rather than you personally) can afford.

DarlingOscar · 12/08/2019 10:59

If you have a mortgage then it could be a good use of your dh's inheritance to pay it down to a manageable level.

Any £££ left for your children is ring fenced for them so cannot be used to support your daily lives now.

So if you don't have enough funds as a family then a job is the only way forward. Kids do breakfast club/after school club/holiday club with no ill effects!

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 10:59

Why was the mortgage paid off, rather than just used as a deposit on the next house.

Is it right to assume the mortgage was paid off, to give you lower outgoings and be mortgage free. Then you and dh decided to move to a more expensive house, therefore having a mortgage again? So not gaining financially, from being mortgage free.

Most or all of dhs Inheritance went on that.

Now you want to spend the kids inheritance on staying at home because you feel that kids of 10 and above couldnt cope with a free hours of childcare on an afternoon.

That line belongs to the kids. Not you. I can totally understand your DH saying no to spending the kids money on you staying at home AND handing control over to his father.

EskewedBeef · 12/08/2019 11:00

What would you have done if there'd been no inheritance when you're MIL died? Carry on as if there's no nest egg, get a job to pay the bills and let your husband sort out the issue with his dad holding the purse strings (if he wants to).

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:00

Plenty of people do it and what tosh that the children will suffer. You just don’t want to work.

This is really unfair. We all know who the burden of pick ups, drop offs and doing everything around the house tends to fall on when one partner who was previously at home gets a minimum wage or lower paid job. The burden will fall on the OP. I am not saying she is being entirely reasonable but we don’t know enough here to be judging her along these lines.