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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 12/08/2019 11:00

Take the inheritance out of the equation. Forget about it.

Financially your household isn’t managing on one wage so the only way forward is for you to go to work too. It doesn’t need to be a job during the day, for the first 12 years of my ds’s life I worked 2 evenings week, I didn’t need to but for me and to give me a bit of pocket money it was better to be out working and bringing some money into the house,

We all need to make sacrifices at some point in our lives to fit around our children.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 11:00

So putting the whole inheritance thing to one side is this correct?:

  • you moved to bigger more expensive house at DH's wish
  • you work part time and manage the household/family
  • DH now wants you to work longer hours to maintain the new lifestyle

I wouldn't be touching the kids inheritance but your DH's is another matter.

It seems to me that:

  • you work longer hours (if you can find them) and DH takes on 50% of the household management/school runs etc
  • you downsize to a cheaper house
  • he uses part of his own inheritance to fund the house

Which of those three does he prefer?

Chocolatemouse84 · 12/08/2019 11:02

You should get a job to pay for day to day living. What about a weekend, or evening job if you are worried about childcare? Or nights? I do school run around night shifts to avoid childcare.

I recently got some inheritance and I wouldn't want it spent on day to day expenses when both of us are capable of working with school age children. It's good to have savings behind you for the future so I don't blame your oh not wanting to spend it now.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 11:02

If you have a mortgage then it could be a good use of your dh's inheritance to pay it down to a manageable level.

They have already done that. Then moved.

If the house was causing stress surely they could have moved to a similar priced property and had a small mortgage or remained mortgage free. Sounds like the substantially upgraded and now cant afford it.

Very poor planning on their part.

But yeah, op needs to get a job and start lifting some if the burden of her husband.

DexyMidnight · 12/08/2019 11:02

OP you're so wildly unreasonable here. Invested and managed properly it sounds like that money could pay uni fees for each child or give a healthy lump sum towards a flat deposit.

If I was your DC and found out later you'd spent the family inheritance the way you plan to I'd be furious.

Sorry to be rude but I think you have a rather inflated sense of self importance if you think doing the school run abd running the household to primary age children is so valuable and worthy.

If you were my wife in this scenario I'd divorce you.

cocomelon23 · 12/08/2019 11:02

You need to get a job. Loads of us use childcare so we can work. I dont understand why it would be harmful for your kids to use childcare when so many children around the world are in it.

isthatapugunicorn · 12/08/2019 11:02

Your children's money IS NOT yours to spend. If your DH wants to use his share that's his decision - get a job.

Zebraaa · 12/08/2019 11:03

Or a night shift job. NHS shifts usually end by 8am... home in time for school run and sleep when they’re at school.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 11:04

Oh one other point he needs to consider of the three options - how much money can you actually earn and what is the net benefit after paying additional costs.

Women who have taken years out for home responsibilities often find their earning potential significantly diminished for a number of years after returning even if they have professional qualifications.

ASmallMovie · 12/08/2019 11:04

You're certainly not 'evil', but you don't half sound work-shy and entitled.

loobyloo1234 · 12/08/2019 11:05

I think you should get a job. Surely the inheritance should be left for your DC to use however they wish if it were left to them? (when they come of age)

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:06

Or a night shift job. NHS shifts usually end by 8am... home in time for school run and sleep when they’re at school.

I wouldn’t do this. If my DH had a significant sum sitting in the bank (not my children’s inheritance but his) I would seriously resent the suggestion that I should do night shifts AND the school run so that he didn’t have to spend it. Who is doing the school lunches? Who is cleaning the house and doing laundry and when? What a petty way to run a family.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 11:06

that I can give them back in a few years when I'll be able to do more hours

You've already said it's more than you could earn in a decade. When are you planning to pay your kids back? Never it seems, you just want their money.

Get a job, your attitude is really disturbing, how would take from their own kids like this,

HorridHenrysNits · 12/08/2019 11:07

Your FIL should not have anything to do with the money left to your husband and children. You cannot use money from your children's inheritances to live on now. These are absolutes.

Then, there is a discussion to be had between you and your husband about how best to manage the family finances, working and childcare arrangements. That does potentially include a discussion about what the bequest to him, not the ones to the DC, could best fund. As usual in these cases, it's likely reasonable for him to want you to earn more, provided he understands that the flipside to this is him taking on more of the things you've been doing. It isn't reasonable for either of you to entrench your positions.

Smelborp · 12/08/2019 11:09

You can’t touch your DC’s money. The money given to your DH I suppose could be argued is family money but it was given to him and he’s chosen not to touch it for now.

Why shouldn’t you go to work though? If there is an option of not working, wouldn’t it be fairer if the money was used for your DH and you to both not work rather than just subsidising you?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 12/08/2019 11:09

I got a job last year as a midday supervisor but apparently I'm not earning enough.

Well, no, an hour a day for 39 weeks a year hardly qualifies as a job.

OrangeSlices998 · 12/08/2019 11:09

Breakfast or after school club is hardly going to damage them - if you don't want to work then own that, but don't pretend you're doing it for their sake! Lots of kids go to either/or! You're not abandoning your children, it's max an hour/hour & half of paid childcare, which you would earn more than even working a few days a week.

If the issue is your husband isn't pulling his weight at home and with the kids, then that is the bigger problem and that's what to address.

And FWIW, YABVU to want to use your families inheritance to ensure you don't have to work. Think of what that money could do for your kids as they're older - driving lessons, a house deposit, a wedding. How would you explain spending it on the bills when its gone, and you could have worked to ensure it's not frittered away?

LenoVentura · 12/08/2019 11:09

So the OP is suggesting that the person who should benefit from a legacy that was left to other people is her. The DC won't lose out if she takes more working hours, plenty of kids have both parents working full time and don't suffer; the DH's situation won't change other than he'll have less stress because there'll be more money coming in; FiL doesn't need to be involved. However, OP will have to give up a lifestyle she enjoys. What a nerve. YABU.

RosaWaiting · 12/08/2019 11:09

I’m so confused

The money was left to your DH. It is his money. Is that correct?

If the terms of the will allow him to manage it, he should take it.

It’s his money left to him. Why have you titled this as being the children’s money? She didn’t leave it in trust for her grandchildren.

Honeyroar · 12/08/2019 11:11

If you haven't got a mortgage I don't understand why your bills are so out of control and you can't afford childcare if you were to work. It does sound as though you're a bit lazy and expect to be supported, even if it means frittering your children's money. I get the feeling that your FIL has taken control of the money so that your DH doesn't get talked into spending it by you.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:13

The DC won't lose out if she takes more working hours, plenty of kids have both parents working full time and don't suffer

Oh come on. I am not saying they “suffer” but children with two parents working full time have far less attention from a parent than children with one. I have family with children with two working parents and it is very much a rush job, from breakfast club to school to after school club, with very little quality time with either parent. It’s what people have to do so I am not criticising, but it isn’t as you are implying. The OP’s DH was happy that this was the optimal solution for his kids before; why is it suddenly a decision that only benefits the OP?

onanothertrain · 12/08/2019 11:14

But her DH doesn't want to take the money. He has agreed that his DF look after it and going on the updates I think he's done the sensible thing.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/08/2019 11:14

This is all very confused. Why did your husband agree to move to a larger house you could not afford? Did you take out a huge mortgage on the new house and, if so, how has your DH managed to get a mortgage that he can’t afford to pay on his current salary?

Why do you describe FIL being “generous” in paying off the mortgage on the previous house when it was paid with money that your DH had inherited, not FIL’s own money?

What do you mean that “apparently” you don’t earn enough? You sound bitter. Surely you understand your own family’s finances or you don’t, and you were involved in the calculations around the move? Have some unforeseen costs arisen?

Do you know how unusual it is to be in a situation where your DH has voluntarily asked FIL to manage his money yet needs his FIL’s permission to withdraw money? That is very different from the will putting FIL in charge of the money. Is FIL somehow upset that his wife left the money directly to her son/grandkids rather than the whole estate going to him, which is more usual in family situations. How did MIL end up independently wealthy?

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 11:17

If they are aged 9-11 then I can’t see that childcare in the form of a breakfast club is going to be harmful to them.

He isn’t asking you to get a full time job but clearly midday assistant isn’t paying very much at all, you should be contributing to the household and I agree with everyone else using an inheritance of your DC to pay bills on a costly house a really terrible plan and financially dreadful.

You could get a part time job. You could get a weekend job. I don’t have very much sympathy for you to be totally honest I am a single parent who was working 50 hours a week to pay the bills, even if DC had an inheritance I still would have worked that much because it wouldn’t be mine!

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 11:17

That’s just daft @herculepoirot2

The idea that getting a job - whilst your children are at school - means less attention to them is utter nonsense! According to the OP, the only time they’d need help is for school runs.