About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

How do you think your money worries will be over by Christmas? Do you have an actual plan, or are you still hoping to have worn FIL down by then?
Saying you don’t rely on family for handouts makes you sound either incredibly dim or just plain goady, you have given umpteen examples of where you do exactly that 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP your seething anger about your DH's and DC's inheritance is not healthy. Yes , your FIL sounds controlling but he clearly thinks you don't pull your weight financially and your DH feels the same so why don't you address this ? Your views about childcare are odd but if that's how you feel could you work from home ? Lots of people set up little businesses . Dog walking ? Ironing ? Etc etc

Honestly never read anything like it, and that's saying something.

This is a crazy thread, Bonypony you sound like you just want to spend every bit of cash you can get your hands on to fund your lifestyle regardless of the long term consequences for your family / children’s futures.

What would have happened if your MIL hadn’t passed away when she did?

What happens when it all runs out?

This is just a (not very amusing) pisstake, isn’t it?
What is this portentous nonsense about? I am my children’s mother, my husband’s wife
What?

because my FIL thinks you should never spend money.

Seriously, how DARE you? This is absolutely appalling and I'm going to have to walk away from this thread because it's infuriating me.

He paid your mortgage, paid for your holiday, and the honeymoon that you seem to think you were ENTITLED TO, and you still think he's cheap?
What's left of your DH's money is there and will give you both a pension to live on, which you'll be damned grateful for when that time comes. Because I very much doubt you've given any thought to what you'll live on at retirement.

I can't believe you still think your kids' inheritance is yours.

@BonyPony

If DH is not trying to get control of the money to spend it, then that really is a choice he is making. Are you really sure that it is not wanting to upset FIL that is the issue, or is it that he wants your DC to have more funds available to them in future and thinks that you could work to make up the difference now? FIL would only be the bogeyman if your DH really genuinely wanted and needed the money, but it sounds as if he may have changed his mind. I do understand your frustration, because you were not involved in this decision, but equally people do have the right to change their views and it wasn't your decision to make. I also have anxiety and struggle in situations where I don't have certainty - looking for a job, changing your children's childcare and routine will be change. But equally, it may genuinely help you to have some independent control over money, which will be the case if you are earning your own.

OP I have to ask, why would you think its in any way normal to ask your in-laws to pay for your honeymoon? And you are irked that they “only” reinmbursed you afterwards? This is utterly bizarre now.

Let me tell you, when DH’s father died, HE (and me by extension) became responsible for his mother. My DH has bought his mother a home; we pay for her trips abroad; he pays for her cleaner; driver when she needs it. And she has her own money. But this is not the point. We wouid never dream of asking her for anything! That’s how it is in his culture.

My parents are not wealthy at all, but again there is no way I’d take money from pensioners! Are you kidding me? By contrast, we pay for their holidays and have paid off their mortgage..

Even if you were to take this money, it’s wouid only be a quick fix anyway, by the sound of it??

Look I’m a SAHM too. I disagree with the mantra of “just get childcare” and “we all do it”. This is not true. But you do have to be realistic and start thinking practically. You can only live within your means, SAHM or not. I expect any extra money you might earn from working, you might just spend anyway? It’s about attitude, above all else.

You are one of the most entitled people I've ever come across on here.

Basically you were relying on your MIL to pass away because you don't want to work. And you have no valid reasons not to work.

Not of a honeymoon!!!!! you came on here asking if you were being unreasonable, you've been told a hundred times yes, some nicely others not so. But you don't want to take or understand that people who you've asked for their opinions are saying you are. You keep raising objections as to why you Can't work, many of us have been in similar situations, I would love to be able to spend more time with my children but to be able to feed, clothe, pay for their activities and keep a roof over their head then both me and my husband have to work. I would love to be in your situation of having thousands of pounds in a saving account, like I've said before, we can't even afford a couple of hundred in savings, so we would be totally in the shit if anything happens.
As for maybe not being around to see them spend it ffs, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, don't be using that as an excuse.
In every update you sound even more entitled and selfish... In case you can't tell you've really really pissed me off. Grow up

Also why are you worrying now about what your DC may spend their money in at 18. Surely you need to be instilling in them the value of money, right now. Any other parents would presume their DC would use that money for a house deposit or similar, yet you seem to anticipate them all dishing out to buy Ferraris. Ridiculous! It’s your job to lead by example and show then what is the right attitude.

If my son ever married a lazy CF like you I would visit every finical planner and solicitor in a 20 mile radius to ensure that you never saw a Penny and that it was secure for him. Your ILs are geniuses and defiantly have the measure of you.

Don't think of work as time taken from your children. Think of it as setting a good example. It'll soon roll round to where they are accessing their inheritance and they will need guidance on how to invest/spend it wisely. You and your DH need to get your shit together to show your kids how to support themselves. Hopefully FIL with give them some savvy advice. If you don't dig yourself out of the financial hole now it'll be too late by the timescale you set yourself for returning to work.

It’s your job to lead by example and show then what is the right attitude.

Agreed, but it seem like the DC would be better off listening to FIL about money and financial issues. I would worry that should the children follow the OPs example, then the money would just disappear into thin air with very little to actually show for it.

How are things going to be different by Christmas, op, can you elaborate on that?

I get it OP. You could push for access to DH's share but morally FIL feels he can control it because he gave you a significant amount from his own money (in lieu of immediate access to the pension pot possibly?). It would be worth having the conversation with FIL about 'taking an income' from DH's pot though, there's probably a sustainable amount that you could withdraw yearly without depleting the capital and FIL might like the challenge of organizing that. Depending on the terms of the will it might be possible to use money from the children's accounts for their benefit (instrument lessons, school trips maybe?) but that might be harder to get FIL to agree to.

This thread is baffling and very contradictory, the OP says in one post that the family would be ”very solvent” if she got a job but then implies it wouldn’t be worth it for what she’d bring in

Being a parent isn’t just about being with your kids 99.9% of the time, it’s also about doing things you don’t necessarily want to do for the greater good of the family. You getting a job sounds like it would take the pressure of your DH and the family finances in general, which can only have a positive impact on family dynamics and the choices you can offer your kids.

Fundamentally, you’re trying to put a square peg in a round hole with regards to the inheritance. Aside from the fact your MIL appears to have made it abundantly clear the money was for your DH and your kids and not you specifically, she also made it clear how and when she wished HER money to be accessed. You need to honour her wishes, forget about the pensions and make decisions based on the options you have.

What do you “get”, NeedaUsername?

Your FIL sounds an extremely shrewd man. He's protecting his son and grandchildren from a woman who is refusing to work. Get off your backside.

What's left of your DH's money is there and will give you both a pension to live on, which you'll be damned grateful for when that time comes. Because I very much doubt you've given any thought to what you'll live on at retirement.

I suspect OP thinks by the time she and her DH reach retirement age, FIL will have left them his fortune to scavenge live off

I would bet money on FIL leaving almost his entire estate solely to the children and locked down like Fort Knox so OP can't touch it.

I’m starting to think your DH is seeing right through you OP and is desperate to protect the money as he is well aware that you will have it spent (and lets face it you would probably still end up I. The same position you are in now even if you did have a access to the money!!!) it’s for Those reasons I reckon he gave FIL “control”

And also just for the record, if your children have had a solid upbringing so far and were with you in their formative years then they probably will be fine with one or two days after school activities etc. children are very resilient!!

And as much as I'm sure you wouldn't... Please don't try and tap your children for a 'loan' when they can access their money. The hypothetical Ferrari's parked on the drive would be a more sound investment for them.

I actually can’t get over asking your parents / in-laws to pay for your honeymoon. Then being miffed that they only paid for it afterwards.

Then the “didn’t your parents give you a wedding present then?” in this thread.

Yes OP, some plates. And no, we didn’t ask for them.