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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to call this out?

440 replies

harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:39

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 12/08/2019 14:53

Has it occurred to you that our leadership is in tatters, people have been flooded, more have been killed in a typhoon? Perhaps put your mind to real worries in the world and not petty problems.

You ever heard of the "Fallacy of Relative Privation" perch?

I think you'll like it. A lot.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 15:01

nameonhat if sh was only doing it to the men and addressing the females formally/respectfully, then yes...I can see that being a problem. 🙄

FFS, it is the disparity that is the problem. Hardly rocket science.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 15:02

And why is the man's potential embarrassment at the OP's polite question more important than her feelings?

Bertieandernie · 12/08/2019 15:03

Get a fucking grip

SuperSara · 12/08/2019 15:06

YABU to use "call ....... out"

The word you're looking for is "challenge".

Every bloody thread on MN it's "call her out...", "call him out...", call it out...", "call them out..."

FFS stop spouting bollocks from social media and reality TV.

Angry
HJWT · 12/08/2019 15:13

You want to risk someone not having a job because they called you love? 🤦🏻‍♀️

snapcrap · 12/08/2019 15:15

Coffeeandcherrypie

'Coming from the wrong place' would be when the tone of 'darling' or 'love' was either predatory sounding or patronising/meant to demean. I realise intent is a contentious issue when it comes to language. But for me, when someone clearly uses these words in a warm, friendly manner, it's very unkind to call them out on it.

flouncyfanny · 12/08/2019 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/08/2019 15:16

If you write a formal letter are you allowed to write 'Dear Sir or Love' now? Some people here would be quite happy and just shrug it off, is that right?

It's little, insignificant things in everyday life that sum up to bigger problems. Like the double glazing salesman in my house who only addressed DH when I asked questions. Fuck that, get out of my house.

What if Rosa Parks had decided to stand on the bus? Challenging small things can make the world better. We don't have to shrug off inequality in whatever big or small form it takes.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 12/08/2019 15:17

it's very unkind

There is it. Women must be kind. Don't hurt the poor ickle manny-wanny's feelings even if he is being sexist.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/08/2019 15:18

HJWT, how is telling a man politely how to address her risking his job?

TigerBilly · 12/08/2019 15:19

Double standards. He may have upset you with his ‘love’ and ‘darling’ but you then go on to call him the chap on the trolly. Is that because he’s not in a powersuit. Chap is an informal British term. ‘Oh hello old chap’. He’s been put in his place to address you formally so maybe it would have been better to say the gentleman on the trolly which is a polite and formal way of saying man.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/08/2019 15:21

She didn't say chap to his face. 🙄

didkdt · 12/08/2019 15:22

I don't like me called love pet petal or dear by strangers. Maybe it's a regional thing but to me they are terms of endearment not getting for strangers.
Would I have said something, I don't know, usually I don't bother, occasionally because of the tone or context I have.

didkdt · 12/08/2019 15:22

I'm too tired to correct all my typos!

ThinkingIsAllowed · 12/08/2019 15:27

I can't believe the number of people on this thread who don't think it's a problem to address a man in a deferential way but address a woman in a diminutive way. This kind of low-level sexism is what allows 'bigger' / 'worse' sexism to occur.

ChaChaDeGregorio · 12/08/2019 15:31

YWNBU

Well done

littlepaddypaws · 12/08/2019 15:41

christ i hate this 'calling out' shit, did you yell ? don't call me madam i don't run a whore house and my dh is not a 'sir' he's not been knighted.
some people need to untwist their knickers

MyForbiddenLover · 12/08/2019 15:42

I don't think you were unreasonable, OP. I probably wouldn't have said anything myself but would have just sat and seethed silently about it!

The men who work in our local post office act in a similar way; men are addressed as 'Sir' and always are told 'Sorry to have kept you waiting' and treated very respectfully, whilst female customers are barely even spoken to and certainly not addressed as 'Madam' or apologised to if there is a queue. The men that work there are both very young; I'd say very early twenties at the most, so even the younger generation clearly have the mindset that the men are important the women are not so important.

It does also annoy me that there is always this general expectation for women to be 'lovely', hence some of the replies on here saying that you were rude, whilst there is no expectation for men to be lovely, or nice, or passive.

Wtfdoipick · 12/08/2019 15:50

snapcrap it doesn't matter how friendly he was being to the OP the issue is that he showed respect to the men but the OP doesn't get accorded the same respect. It's not the words used or the friendliness it's the blatantly different treatment to the different sexes.

Aprillygirl · 12/08/2019 15:51

april "Grow up" - this from someone who has 'girl' in her name....probably not the OP that needs to grow up really is it?

My moniker references my late daughter. I am of course a woman Hmm

WhatAGreatDay · 12/08/2019 15:52

While I agree that calling you "love" and the men "Sir" is sexist and I think women should challenge this sort of thing, I wonder if you would have done it to a more high status man?

KurriKurri · 12/08/2019 15:56

If this way of referring to people is fine, then presumably it would be fine if the rail company were to entrench it in written rules. 'All male customers should be referred to as Sir, all female customers as Love or Darling' ?

It would obviously be wrong and people wouldn't stand for it. But when someone makes up the forms of address they use when in a public service role, and chooses deferential for men and familiar for women, women just have to put up with it.

Well done OP, it needs to be addressed.

Aprillygirl · 12/08/2019 15:57

Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment

Would it have been ok for the poor 'chap' to have addressed a less professional woman clad in jeans and T-shirt as 'love' then OP?

BenWillbondsPants · 12/08/2019 16:05

I'm also unsure of the relevance of how the OP or anyone else was dressed tbh.