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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to call this out?

440 replies

harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:39

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

OP posts:
Original poster
harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 16:12

The point about dress @BenWillbondsPants was to make the point we were all dressed the same - so no possible reason for him to differentiate.... Although personally I would have had the same reaction to this if everyone was wearing jeans, or ponchos, or a variety of outfits unique to each person! Some people might have thought if I was sitting there in my wellies that would justify the lack of formality and the difference in the mode of address rather than my sex, albeit that's not my view.

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 12/08/2019 16:13

I hate madam, would prefer love. The fact is you didn't need to "call him out" he obviously wasn't doing it to be nasty he had probably never even thought about it. You could have just had a quite word and put it nicely, explaining that it's not very nice to call all the men sir and then the women love as it implies that they are somehow lesser in importance and standing. There's no reason to "call him out" all you've achived is seeming like a bit of a cow and humiliated him.

TalentedMsRipley · 12/08/2019 16:16

I think its just a regional thing and you probably embarrassed yourself.

Pieceofpurplesky · 12/08/2019 16:24

I do think that there is a difference between Sir and Madam ... like Mr/Mrs/Ms. Some people are not sure what term to use - at school we are Sir and Miss and that irks me a bit.

I agree totally that it is the difference of formality that is the issue - but the man is probably not sure of the formal term (ma'am sounds like addressing the wires)

Wtfdoipick · 12/08/2019 16:26

TalentedMsRipley please tell me which region believes men and women should be treated with different levels of respect as I'd like to avoid it.

Vasya · 12/08/2019 16:29

It sounds like you were polite about it so I think you did the right thing. People learn by being told. He will probably have rolled his eyes and grumbled later, but he will think twice next time. That means there's a woman out there who'll avoid some low-level sexism because of you. I think that's a good thing!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 16:31

That's exactly what she did @HiJenny35

TalentedMsRipley · 12/08/2019 16:38

I'm with HiJenny; poor bloke probably didn't know what he did wrong.

user1480880826 · 12/08/2019 16:43

The problem is the difference between the treatment of the men and the treatment of the woman. Love and darling are not the female equivalent of sir.

It’s not a particular dislike of the words love and darling that’s the issue (although they are quite patronising).

He should have called the OP madam if he was calling the men sir.

M3lon · 12/08/2019 16:51

I couldn't get used to being called 'miss' in a school recently...kept having to bite my tongue on telling them 'its Dr.'

Of course it pisses me off more when I'm teaching in my day job at the uni where all the men get called 'Dr' or 'Prof' and I still get 'miss'.

Fucks me right off that does....and I definitely point it out to students. No matter how embarrassed that might make them.

Bertieandernie · 12/08/2019 16:55

LOL @M3lon you sound incredibly stuck up

Aprillygirl · 12/08/2019 16:55

I'm also unsure of the relevance of how the OP or anyone else was dressed tbh.

Definitely some classism at play here no matter how much OP says otherwise.

M3lon · 12/08/2019 17:00

bert yup that's me totally stuck up to want to be given the same title as the men doing the same job. Its PC gorn MAD I tell you!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 17:01

I don't see any classism. Just the point that bar their sex, they were all the same.

And M3lon doesn't sound stuck up

Bertieandernie · 12/08/2019 17:03

M3lon I can imagine it’s an easy mistake to mistake and mean no offence to you. At high school it is always drummed into students (even in sixth form) to call Male teachers sir, but female teachers miss

Wtfdoipick · 12/08/2019 17:03

Can't believe the number of people who feel sorry for the poor man being told off by an uppity woman because she pointed out he wasn't behaving equally to all customers but was altering it based on their sex

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/08/2019 17:05

M3lon doesn't sound stuck up.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 17:06

So if they remember to call their male lecturers doctor in place of sir, why not in place of miss?

M3lon · 12/08/2019 17:08

bert and as with the op, if they were getting it wrong for everyone then fair enough. But they aren't. They are getting it right for the men (calling them prof, or dr.) and wrong for me (calling me miss).

Because, well, sexism.

Bertieandernie · 12/08/2019 17:08

@Wtfdoipick it’s not like he called her a slag ffs he was being polite get a grip

Original poster
harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 17:08

@Wtfdoipick I think the chosen insult for me is Uppity Nightmare...! Wink

OP posts:
M3lon · 12/08/2019 17:08

(to be fair - I may be a little stuck up....I just don't think you can deduce that from this thread)

Bertieandernie · 12/08/2019 17:10

Women call each other “love” “darling” “sweetheart” all the time

Tbh I live in south London and hear men doing it daily, no one bats an eyelid Hmm

M3lon · 12/08/2019 17:11

He was NOT being polite. Being polite is not something you can do while also being sexist.

Being called 'love' or 'pet' is not polite. Its infantalizing and sexist.

Aprillygirl · 12/08/2019 17:12

book how dare you speak? Get back in your pinnafore and clean behind that fridge!

Yep because someone who, as long as they are being spoken politely to, doesn't give two fucks about whether they are referred to as love, mate, darling, madam, miss or fucking ducky must be a subservient little wifey mustn't they? Hmm