WIBU to call this out?

[harriethoyle]

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

It's not the 'love' thats the issue. Its the stark contrast between the formal sir and very informal 'love'. It is a perfect example of everyday sexism and I too would've politely mentioned it. If he had been informal with all there would be no issue. I dont think he did it deliberately but probably no one has ever pointed out to him how sexist it is. Hopefully you've given him something to think about.

I had a similar situation at an airport where someone kept calling me sweetheart and all the men 'sir'. When I said please don't call me sweetheart she said 'sorry - we are just friendly up north'. I wish I'd been quick enough to point out that she was only friendly with me and yet formal with men.

Good on you for calling it out.
YANBU.

I’m afraid I couldn’t have got worked up enough to make the man, who sounded friendly, uncomfortable just to prove a point. If this was in a professional setting, it’s a different matter but he was presumably serving you coffee or similar and there was no intent to patronise or demean you.

I think it’s people focusing on the minor irritants rather than the bigger issues around sexism that stifles debate and progress on this issue.

Bit shocked that it even happened OP! I look about 12 at the best of times even when suited and booted, and even when not, and on the train I always get called "madam". My trains must be very polite!

Massive leap from being called love to someone ejaculating on you!
I think YABU. Absolutely fine not to like being called love or darling. Also absolutely fine to ask to be referred to as madam or whatever you prefer.
‘Calling someone out’ and who did not mean to cause offence is really bloody rude, and is a poorer reflection on you in this situation.
I would spend more energy calling out passengers making comments directed at women, groping and bum pinching than being offended by being called love.

Massive leap from being called love to someone ejaculating on you!

If you actually read my post then you'd see I was asking at what stage is it ok for women to complain?

Perhaps you can confirm when we should be allowed to say something given you think OP was "bloody rude" for objecting to being treated less respectfully than the men, solely because of her sex?

If you actually read my post then you’d see I agree that if the OP doesn’t like being called ‘love’ or ‘darling’ she should definitely speak up. What isn’t ok is being rude with it.

Wasting energy being overly offended on pet names is distracting from your above points. Those are serious issues that should be called out every time. Being called a pet name isn’t anywhere near the same level!

YANBU if it bothered you

Wouldn't have bothered me though, i think its nice and friendly

Where was I rude @JoyTurner?

What isn’t ok is being rude with it.

But she wasn't rude! She wrote what she said and further clarified she didn't broadcast it loudly. She couldn't have said it much more politely in fact!

It's just seen as rude because its a woman getting out of her "be nice, be polite, accept it" little box.

Why is him being less respectful to her not seen as the rude thing? Why wasn't he calling lal the men love, babe, chuck, pet instead of the formal, respectful "Sir"?

What’s wrong with just asking him to address you as madam or whatever? Nothing to do with a woman ‘getting out of her box’, I think by phrasing it as ‘are you aware...’ is condescending and with an intent to embarrass. As you said, he stuttered and apologise.
As I’ve said twice, if you don’t like it, bring it up every time. Not everything has to be made into a drama.
If a man had an issue with being called mate, I would say exactly the same thing.

Wasting energy being overly offended on pet names is distracting from your above points.

So you're saying employees calling completely unknown paying customers pet names is fine (but only the women ones, not the men), but pinching their bums is too far?

How about ALL customers should be able to expect the same level of professional courtesy and interaction (or they all get the familiar unprofessional names)?

Why do women so frequently shit on other women for asserting boundaries?

You're more than entitled to your opinion, and it's been genuinely interesting to read all of the responses but please don't impose an intent to embarrass or be condescending on me @JoyTurner that I didn't have. Your presumptions are false and far ruder than I was this morning.

I don’t know how many more times I can say that if the OP was unhappy being called love, she should absolutely correct it.
It has nothing to do women shitting on other women, i just think you can make your point simply without making it into a bigger dialogue than it needs to be.
There is a massive difference to an employee thinking they are being friendly and illegal sexual assault.

Would it still have bothered you if he was a woman?

I’m from Yorkshire, I don’t call anyone love and never have done but many people do and they will refer to both men and women as love.

@harriethoyle I apologise if you feel I have been rude to you, that isn’t my intention. But I think phrasing it as a question to a person who just thought they were doing their job is unecessary.
As I’ve said many times, if you don’t like being called pet names, you are more than reasonable to say something!

"are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?"

vs

"I'd like you to address me as Madam"

I know which one sounds a lot ruder and more condescending to me.

Of course yanbu.

In future, do what I do. Reply, ‘Thanks, darling sweetheart’ or ‘Keep the change, honeybun’, and then, when he looks perturbed, look puzzled and say ‘Oh, sorry, I thought we must be on those kinds of terms.’

@Pinkout yes if she was only calling the women love and was calling the men Sir. No if she was calling everyone love (and indeed would not have minded this morning if that had been the case).

many people do and they will refer to both men and women as love.

That is the whole bloody point! (Female) OP was singled out for the "love" while the men got "Sir". Why is this low level sexism such a difficult concept to grasp?

@BuzzShitbagBobbly

YANBU. The problem is that he was deferential to the men ('sir') and not to you. Thank you for calling it out, you were right to.

You are just determined to twist exactly what I’ve said to fit your agenda @BuzzShitbagBobbly.
Of course not, surely you would just say thank you for the coffee and it’s madam.

This would not have bothered me in the slightest. I appear to be in the minority though!

I'm not twisting anything Joy. I am genuinely shocked there are women all over this thread belittling and having a go at OP for politely asserting her boundaries in a clear cut example of sexism in action (and It's not just you either, but you are the only one who has had the grace to come back and respond/expand, so thank you for that).

But even so, I still think OP was a lot politer with

"are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?"

vs

"thank you for the coffee and it’s madam"

Maybe we just disagree on how they come across, I don't know?