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AIBU?

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Original poster

Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

298 replies

Westside1 · 11/08/2019 22:19

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/08/2019 14:51

I don't this thread will help resolve anything.

How about getting you, your DH, and DD into group therapy so they can see the dynamics. I think you might be too soft while DH let a small tantrum over music cause him to scream. He could have said no in a firm voice and that's that, put the car in gear and off he goes rather than having a battle with a 4 year old. Mum, maybe when you're out, you can let DD have a turn at listening to what she wants on occasion, but listen to what you want most of the time.

Kids will have melt downs. That is just the way it is. Consistency in dealing with it by you and DH is the way to go. No coddling, no screaming just state firmly matter of fact and they'll learn you mean business when you say something, rather than a time to tantrum until someone gives in.

TheInvestigator · 12/08/2019 15:01

@CatteStreet

The child seems to have tantrums on a very very regular basis. It's her go-to move when she isn't getting her own way. That's very different from a parent losing their temper on one occasion.

If the dad shouting isn't regular, and is a result of months of tantrums which they can't deal with because OP won't change her parenting style, then it's not really applicable to say "the adult should know better". All children will have tantrums, even when they know better. All parents will lose their temper, even when they know better. But this child is doing this all the time - that's the issue. She SHOULD know better, but she doesn't because mum is facilitating the tantrums and reinforcing that they work by intervening... and it won't improve because OP won't allow anyone to parent properly. The dad has lost his temper... on how many occasions? A one-off is ok and isn't going to leave the child traumatised.

Scorpiovenus · 12/08/2019 15:10

Yea I agree with the others, she need to learn that what the parent says goes. If he doesn't want her music on then its a basic life lesson that we don't always we get what we want.

Hes frustrated not an abuser but she needs to learn the word no.

SaraNade · 12/08/2019 15:30

All parents shout and yell, that is normal. It sounds like you are mollycoddling her and generally the ones that are mollycoddled turn out to be trouble-making spoiled brats. We all cried heavily when we were young and our parents yelled at us and we couldn't get our way. ALL of us. It is normal. For someone trained in child behaviour you seem very ill-informed and very in-experienced. If a 4 year old can't cope with being yelled at by a parent, there are bigger issues at play with the child. And what music? My god, she is 4 years old! She would barely know what music is. What would she play, music from Snow White? From Play School?

Sorry but I 100% side with your husband. I think you are lacking parenting skills that he seems to possess. Yelling/shouting is a normal part of being a parent. You seem to be doing your daughter a real disservice by letting her run wild, whereas your husband seems to care more. Just go and apologise to your husband.

GibbonLover · 12/08/2019 15:49

DH should have bit his tongue and held his breath.
So he didn't rock the boat and make a mess.
He should have sat quietly, agreed politely.
He should have forgot he had a choice.
He shouldn't have let DD push him past the breaking point.
He should have remembered that he stood for nothing and should have fell for everything.

You're not gonna hear him roar!

SoupDragon · 12/08/2019 15:53

We've had disgust at the concept of not being 'allowed to shout at your own child' (replace 'shout at' with 'smack' and see how that reads).

Replace "shout at" with "chop up and feed to the lions". It's just as relevant.

Armadillostoes · 12/08/2019 15:57

@HeadintheiClouds read the thread properly or don't bother posting. The child is used to her music going on when she is in the car. Maybe her parents shouldn't have made that the norm but they did. Suddenly changing the routine will feel confusing and unfair from her point of view.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 15:59

I have read the thread, thank you, and I’ll bother posting whenever I feel like it. If that’s ok with you?
No, that was a joke, I couldn’t care less if it’s ok with you, dear 🤣

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 16:00

I personally couldn't have any respect for someone who prioritises their wants above their child's and shouts at them for not being happy about it. Selfish, aggressive, stubborn and unwilling to be wrong. You could do better.

Nicknacky · 12/08/2019 16:02

thecat No respect for your kids father because he wanted to listen to a different radio station and shouted? My h must have zero respect for me then.

Stop being so dramatic.

Butterymuffin · 12/08/2019 16:04

Suddenly changing the routine will feel confusing and unfair from her point of view.

So this should never be done, is that what you're saying?

TheInvestigator · 12/08/2019 16:06

@thecatinthetwat

My son just asked me to play avocado smash. I wanted to have a cup of tea. Guess what... I'm having a cup of tea! He's happily reading a book and we will play later.
Children need to learn that "now, now, now" isn't how life works.

CatteStreet · 12/08/2019 16:06

Barely knowing what music is at 4? Hmm Not in my world.

And 'Play School'? Confused What decade was that last on?

GimmeeCaffeine · 12/08/2019 16:09

I think you’re overreacting somewhat. Yes, it’s not nice for adults to shout at children but sometimes they can really push you to your limit. From your post, it seems like your DD threw a strop because she was told no, your DH got fed up with it and yelled at her to stop.

Again, not ideal but he’s hardly the devil incarnate. Perhaps he should look into managing his temper better and your DD should start to learn that no means no.

CatteStreet · 12/08/2019 16:09

GibbonLover, what a heartrending depiction of a poor, oppressed father/dh! He 'should have forgot[ten] he had a choice'? It reads quite as if he'd had his human rights denied him.

GibbonLover · 12/08/2019 16:11

Catte Blame Katy Perry, not me!

SaraNade · 12/08/2019 16:11

What use would a 4 year old have for pop love songs? Hmm For goodness sake! They are barely out of toddlerhood. I think some people have no understanding of children. Children (more like toddlers) at 4 barely even know what music even is. And Play School has been on for decades, and still is. Confused The sum total of a child's musical repertoire at 4 is Sesame Street and songs from fairy tales. Lets be real here. And not confuse a 4 year old with a 14 year old.

CassianAndor · 12/08/2019 16:16

Sara that is nonsense. No, they might not be listening to pop but to say that young children have no knowledge or love of music is awful. DD listening to a load of different music and surely music is part of the early years curriculum. And yes, we had a Disney CD.

JoyTurner · 12/08/2019 16:18

@GibbonLover Grin

SaraNade · 12/08/2019 16:18

CassianAndor At 4 years old, Disney, pop goes the weasel etc are really all the music you know, and at 4 you aren't learning music at school either. Sorry but it is you that is speaking nonsense.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 16:18

Their love of music doesn’t have to be accommodated during every car journey. There are other times in the day.

CassianAndor · 12/08/2019 16:23

Sara from the early years government framework:

Expressive arts and design involves enabling children to explore and play with a wide range of media and materials, as well as providing opportunities and encouragement for sharing their thoughts, ideas and feelings through a variety of activities in art, music, movement, dance, role-play, and design and technology

And DD knew a lot more than just those but fine, if that's all the music your DC were exposed to, that's up to you and a shame.

Not that I think this child should be dictating the radio choice in the car. But you're talking crap.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 16:26

Your dd knew a lot more than just those what?

StormcloakNord · 12/08/2019 16:26

Totally off topic but the constant use of the word "roar" is infuriating. What is wrong with "shout"?

ChristmasArmadillo · 12/08/2019 16:27

Sara I don’t think the child should hyperventilate over being told no to her choice of music, but mine at that age have music in school, take private music lessons, and could name 100s of songs. As can all their peers.