Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

298 replies

Westside1 · 11/08/2019 22:19

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/08/2019 16:28

Has this thread really descended into music snobbery? Really!?

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 16:28

Anyway, is op’s child at school? Nobody knows, so suggesting she is being exposed to all this cultural enrichment instead of Disney sing alongs is a ridiculous argument.
You have no idea what her “music” consists of.

HappyParent2000 · 12/08/2019 16:29

I roar at my 3 year old all the time. He loves it, but we are playing Dinosaurs so I think that’s OK.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/08/2019 16:29

@StormcloakNord because it sounds more dramatic.

ChristmasArmadillo · 12/08/2019 16:34

As to the topic at hand, an over-indulged child is really difficult to be around without getting frustrated. No shouting isn’t ideal, but maybe he was at the end of his tether. I think you’re overreacting quite a bit.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 12/08/2019 16:44

I really really shouted at my 4 year old a few weeks back because her toddler brother was eating his dinner and she kicked him off the chair where he took his dinner with him.

Parents are human. Shouting happens. However it can be incredibly infuriating living with someone who won't doesn't seem to have any boundaries as much as it is uminfuriating living with someone who does tend to shout

CatteStreet · 12/08/2019 17:14

Grin Gibbon
Not ashamed to admit that had passed me by thus far...

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 12/08/2019 17:47

No update on what OP actually meant by roaring or how often her husband does it in relation to their child?

How surprising...

Vivavivienne · 12/08/2019 18:16

@HappyParent2000 Grin
@YourSarcasmIsDripping to be fair, OP
did say they were off to work...

Westside1 · 12/08/2019 19:49

Wow I can’t believe how many responses there are. I obviously can’t reply to them all and don’t want to spend my evening debating this topic.

I was at work today and afterwards collected dd. On the way home she loves to sing along to her songs but I said mummy needs to listen to something first and guess what all was fine. She is not having constant tantrums as some would suggest. Out of all the children I look after the majority are well behaved for us but their parents will tell us they have plenty of battles with them. This is what children do and mine is no different.

I am not claiming to be an expert but in my opinion shouting at an upset child is an absolute no no.

As for dh and I, I am not going to make any rash decisions. This is my home and I would like my marriage to work but at the same time know I shouldn’t feel this unhappy and lonely. Thanks again for all the advice

OP posts:
Juells · 12/08/2019 20:12

Perhaps she didn't tantrum because she learned from her Dad that tantrumming didn't produce the result she wanted? Just a thought...

CodenameVillanelle · 12/08/2019 20:17

I remember your last thread about this. He's a fucking horror and he regularly terrifies his tiny daughter because he can't handle normal 4 year old behaviour. When are you going to DO something about this?

user1494182820 · 12/08/2019 22:31

@SaraNade

The sum total of a child's musical repertoire at 4 is Sesame Street and songs from fairy tales. Lets be real here. And not confuse a 4 year old with a 14 year old.

What a genuinely odd thing to say. My two year old adores music, delights in listening to new music and will request anything from The Beach Boys to Debussy. At the moment she particularly likes Mendelsson's Hebridean Suite, after a recent visit to The Highlands. She also enjoys the odd nursery rhyme. I'm fairly sure she's not unusual amongst her peers in this regard.

Sunflowers11 · 13/08/2019 00:33

Well clearly getting told no by her dad seems to have worked. Perhaps you should practice saying it to her a bit more often !

CodenameVillanelle · 13/08/2019 07:35

Well clearly getting told no by her dad seems to have worked. Perhaps you should practice saying it to her a bit more often !

Yeah traumatising kids is a brilliant behaviour management strategy Hmm

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/08/2019 07:41

There is nothing at all in the other threads to suggest he regularly terrifies his daughter. That is very emotive language. What OP said was he didn't have patience and goes on if DD is playing up on days out. Which appears to be a very regular thing. OP was rightly upset by his comment that he doesn't think his DD is right in the head. Which is obviously a nasty thing to say but also a clumsy way of saying he thinks she has behaviour issues. What was OPs response to that. Not lets explore this further with healthcare professionals but its turned me off him a bit and I think life is to short for DD to be with parents whi dont get on. Yet here we are a few months down the line. Child is still exhibiting the same behaviours and parents are still of opposite views. Nothing appears to have been put in place as a means of dealing with this. And OPs choice of the word roaring, which she also uses for her DD lets not forget seems to be what some posters are concentrating on. What they need to do is get along for some parenting classes and learn how to deal with challenging behaviour.

madcatladyforever · 13/08/2019 07:45

Sometimes children can be little shits and we lose our rags.
They can't have their own way every time. I'm not sure dad screaming at her was the best thing to do and I'd monitor that it isn't a regular thing but if it's a one off nobody will die.
Constant shouting and belittling isn't good. That happened to me and by the time I left home I was just a silent fearful shadow of the person I should have been.

SimplySteveRedux · 13/08/2019 07:58

What do you mean by roaring? You do sound a bit over indulgent of her if she can always have her own music and you dont really ever tell her off. You may be over reacting because I doubt he was screaming his head off (if that's what roaring is) and she was hyperventilating. Are you sure you're not over reacting/dramatising this? Is she your PFB?

Hmm you were there?

I am qualified in childcare so this is why I’m adamant that roaring at her is not the way to go and maybe if someone else tells him he may listen.

Excellent, then you'll be great at researching Adverse Childhood Experiences and Chronic Unpredictable Chronic Stress.

Normally, when an adult loses it with their child and acts in an undesirable manner, they recognise this very quickly and make steps to make up with their child. From OPs posts this has happened before, and her husband appears not to have done so.

There is nothing more harmful to the developing childhood brain than unpredictable stress. If, in this scenario, the child was yelled at by her dad at 4pm every day it would have far less of an impact than unpredictable yelling, as it would be predictable and expected.

The amount downplaying this issue makes me shake my head. Roaring, to me, is full on losing your temper.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 13/08/2019 08:11

Unpredictable stress Grin better check out of life then.

Life is unpredictable and can be stressful. If you don't equip your children to navigate that then that's a shit thing to do.

lasttimeround · 13/08/2019 08:22

My father shouted at me all the time and never apologised. I dont speak to him anymore, he was an abusive shit.
Saying no is fine.
Ending up shouting once in a while isnt great but if you apologise and make up it's ok.
Shouting at a frightened child and then going on about how that's what they need. Not ok.

Drogosnextwife · 13/08/2019 08:24

People are so dramatic on MN. It sounds like she got worked up because she was told no. Everyone shouts at their kids sometimes, they can be infuriating. As soon as someone raises their voice at their child everyone is crying "it's abuse", "what will you do to protect your child", "ltb"!

SimplySteveRedux · 13/08/2019 08:40

@Contraceptionismyfriend

Researchers refer to stress that happens in unpredictable ways and at unpredictable times as “chronic unpredictable stress,” and they have been studying its effects on animal development for decades—long before Felitti and Anda’s investigation into ACEs first began. In classic studies, investigators expose animals to different types of stressors for several weeks, to see how those stressful stimuli affect their behavior. In one experiment, McCarthy and her postdocs exposed male and female rats to three weeks of chronic unpredictable mild stress. Every day, rats were exposed to a few low-grade stressors: their cage was rotated; they were given a five-minute swim, their bedding was dampened; they went for a day without food; they were physically restrained for thirty minutes; or they were exposed to thirty minutes of strobe lights. At the end of the three weeks, McCarthy’s team examined the rats to evaluate brain differences. In the group exposed to chronic unpredictable mild stress, she and her team found significant changes in the receptors in the brain’s hippocampus—an area of the brain associated with emotion, which would normally help modulate stress hormone production and put the brakes on feelings of stress and anxiety after a stressor has passed. The rats who’d been exposed to chronic unpredictable stress weren’t able to turn off the stress response, but the control group that experienced no stress showed no brain changes. However, when stress is completely predictable, even if it is more traumatic—such as giving a rat a regularly scheduled foot shock accompanied by a sharp, loud sound—the stress does not create these exact same brain changes. “Rats exposed to a much more traumatic stressor get used to it if it happens at the same time and in the same way every day,” says McCarthy. “They manage. They know it’s coming, then it’s over.” Moreover, she says, “They don’t show signs of these same brain changes, or inflammation, or illness.” On the other hand, she adds, “if you introduce more moderate but unpredictable stressful experiences at a different time each day, with different levels of intensity, adding in different noises, such as loud clapping at unpredictable intervals, those rats show significant changes to the brain. And they get physically sick; they get ulcers.” This is why researchers believe that it is the unpredictability of stress that is particularly damaging. On a walking tour of her lab, McCarthy points out the metal stand on which rodents’ cages can be gently shaken for a short time. “Even the most mild unpredictable stressors, something as simple as gently shaking the cage, playing rock music, putting a new object in the cage that they aren’t used to, all these cause very specific changes in the brain when we do them without warning.” The bottom line, McCarthy says, is that the brain can “tolerate severely stressful events if they are predictable, but you cannot tolerate even mild stressful events if they are very unpredictable.”

No charge. McCarthy is Margaret McCarthy (PhD), professor of neuroscience at University of Maryland School of Medicine.

expatinspain · 13/08/2019 08:56

OP. Please define 'roaring'. It's difficult to really gauge the situation. Many people have lost their rag and shouted at their children at some point. What exactly did he say to her? Does he do this all the time or can he be calm and measured with her as well? Is your DD very challenging at the moment? Do you support each other as parents as it seems that you are coming at things from very different angles?

LaVieilleHarpie · 13/08/2019 09:04

I think your DH needs to make a sharp exit. Living with a spoilt child and an over-indulgent, dramatic mother mustn't be easy.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 13/08/2019 09:09

I'm not going to bother reading that BS. A kid behaving like a brat being bollocked by her father is not going to screw her up.

What will screw her up more is being constantly pandered to and spoilt.