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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you pay your parents money for childcare?

260 replies

NineteenThirtyOne · 11/08/2019 21:14

Will be going back to work soon 3 days a week after mat leave. Parents have said they will be happy to mind DS but for £50 a week..

AIBU to think this isn't the norm? Confused

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 12/08/2019 07:58

Op, you're trying to justify not paying your parents anything for looking after your child, and have discussed this with your MIL. Your MIL struggles for money but has offered to do the childcare for free. That's just not on! If I were your mum I'd be fuming.
You're now trying to justify not paying your parents. This will not end well. I'd be gutted if I were your mother. Unless you are working well below minimum wage, then you're still earning money after paying £50 for three days childcare. I can just see the scene 'mum, I've been talking to MIl about you charging me money to look after baby and she's agreed to do it for free so that's what we're going to do'.
You need to stick to your arrangements and pay your parents!

GimmeeCaffeine · 12/08/2019 07:59

My parents look after my six month old three days a week. I pay them £150 a month. I would have to pay over £400 for a childminder, so it’s a bargain!

Whattodoinleeds · 12/08/2019 08:00

My mum refuses to take money for the two afterschool pick ups she does.

GimmeeCaffeine · 12/08/2019 08:00

However, I wouldn’t EXPECT my parents to look after my DD. They offered, and I offered to pay them.

BeanBag7 · 12/08/2019 08:01

If the £50 a week is too much how about seeing if they can share with MIL? They could do 1.5 days a week and be paid £25. MIL can do the other 1.5 days a week - she said she was happy to do it for free.

Or you could do 1 day for parents, 1 day for MiL and 1 day in paid childcare. Or 3 days in childcare which will cost far more than £50pw

Having grandchildren is a privilege, providing free childcare for them isn't. Otherwise there would be loads of people queueing up to look after your kids for free just for the "privilege" of spending time with your angels.

Oldbutstillgotit · 12/08/2019 08:06

CaptainJaneway62 Sorry you are having a tough time . My DD is - I think- grateful for the ( unpaid) childcare I have provided for the past 13 years but I have heard some horror stories from some of my Granny friends . The worst is probably a friend who looks after her 3 DGC 3 days a week , unpaid. She told her DD that she has booked a cruise for May 2020. Her DD went absolutely ballistic and has told my friend that she expects her to pay for childcare for the 2 weeks she is away !

Midlandsmummy29 · 12/08/2019 08:06

Pay it and stop being so ungrateful! Or put your LO in Nursery and pay £50 per day. Or send LO to mil who is free if it will leave you so much worse off.

Doesn’t matter if your grandparents didn’t charge or mil doesn’t want to charge, your parents do and you either pay them or send your child elsewhere. It’s a lot of work to look after a child for so many days, just be bloomin grateful that they want to do it.

One of our parents used to look after our LO once per week, we gave them money to cover expenses which they reluctantly took. Sadly they died very suddenly and LO now attends nursery. The time our LO spent with their grandparent was PRICELESS, you cannot put a sum of money on that.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a grandparent willing to help out, cost or no cost.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 12/08/2019 08:07

My parents won't watch my kids money or not. There should be no automatic expectation of anything really

Witchinaditch · 12/08/2019 08:26

Sounds like your DPs mum is in the race to
Be the favourite grandparent! I wouldn’t be happy with my MIL having opinions on what my parents offered me. It’s a huge ask to look after a child and £50 is nothing, if you are so upset about it just get your MIL to
do it for free as she offered and stop complaining, either way your in a great position most people have no grandparent support, you sound very entitled and spoilt.

onanothertrain · 12/08/2019 08:44

I can't believe you would take advantage of your MIL when you know she's struggling. As well as pissing your parents off, if I was your mum I'd be annoyed you were discussing the arrangement with your MIL. I don't see this ending well and it'll serve you right

CruellaFeinberg · 12/08/2019 08:48

NineteenThirtyOne

Not saying I'm annoyed, I just didn't know of anybody who paid their parents for looking after their DC

You bloody sound annoyed? So what do you do that a full day at work earns you less than £17???

KUGA · 12/08/2019 09:01

I would bite their hands off.
£50? ,what a bargain.
And you will have total peace of mind in the knowledge that your child will be well cared for by lovely Grandparents.
And the memories the chid will have is priceless.
Seriously,if you are working 20 hours a week,that equates to £2.50 per hour.
Slavery springs to mind hahahaha,
Only joking.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/08/2019 09:03

Would depend partly on the parents' finances, I would think - also perhaps on their age. Looking after very little ones can be extremely tiring when you're getting on a bit. Very different at maybe 50 compared to 65 plus.

I would never have accepted cash for childcare from dd, but then we could afford not to. OTOH when it was 2 instead of 1, with a small age gap, I felt it would be too much, so we offered to help with childcare costs instead. I know we were fortunate to be able to, though.

As pps have said, some GPs do feel very much taken for granted and don't like to say no even though they find it very tiring - and perhaps restricting as regards being able to go away, etc.

ItsMsAtomicBobToYou · 12/08/2019 09:10

If £50 a week means you would be better off not working, what exactly did you plan on doing for childcare before your parents offered.

Childcare is work. SAHP have been making this argument for years and they are right. Amazing that so many people here are arguing how GP should be providing childcare for free because FAMILY.

MoreFrog · 12/08/2019 10:03

As pps have said, some GPs do feel very much taken for granted and don't like to say no even though they find it very tiring - and perhaps restricting as regards being able to go away, etc

My neighbour has her gs two days a week, 8am - 6pm, and also her gd one overnight a week as the mother does a night shift, so 6pm - 8am.

She's mid-fifties, quite fit and a keen walker with a rich social life.

Or was. She's been doing this for two years now and it's affecting her mental health - being unable to enjoy her retirement now that her own children are grown up and having her own pursuits seriously curtailed. A couple of times I've seen her in tears of frustration at the lack of freedom she feels obliged to endure.

She doesn't want money. She has a brilliant relationship with both her gc - but would much prefer it to be as a family setting, evenings or weekend visits with parents there and not the drudge of enforced childcare week after week as it currently is.
She wouldn't dream of withdrawing the care, she fears it would cause upset. She once mentioned to her son that it was difficult to go shopping with her toddler grandson and his reply was that, once the child started school, she'd only have him for an hour in the morning before she dropped him at school, and then a couple of hours in the evening after she'd collected him - the rest of the day would be free to do what she wanted.

I was speechless.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 12/08/2019 10:14

Wow! What a CF you are.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/08/2019 10:19

There are different set ups. I know two families who employ grandmothers as nannies.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 12/08/2019 10:28

My SIL has dd1 for me for half a day as my childminder didn't work that day. She didn't ask for money.
I paid her the same hourly rate I would have paid my childminder as I didn't want to take the piss.

I'm sure I will love any grandchildren I end up with.
I cant see me volunteering to look after them and tie myself to that commitment.

CruellaFeinberg · 12/08/2019 11:04

@NineteenThirtyOne what is your job if you only earn less than £2.50 an hour?

MeakTiger · 12/08/2019 20:30

Not saying I'm annoyed, I just didn't know of anybody who paid their parents for looking after their DC.

I do and I know several others who do too. I pay a lot more than you’ve been ask for, I’d be jumping for joy in your situation!

TheGoogleMum · 12/08/2019 20:33

I think 1 day a week or less family usually don't charge but more than that probably do (but much cheaper than childminder or nursery!)

Dandelion1993 · 12/08/2019 20:34

No I never paid them.

I did buy what they needed though (car seat, high chair) and provided a selection of toys for them to have.

Lauren83 · 12/08/2019 20:37

I do yes, I give my mum £30 a day (she does 1 or 2 days a week) she doesn't charge me but she would of carried on a small part time job she had if it wasn't for helping me out and she travels to mine each day in another town and has DS 6.30am-4.30pm then drives home. I wouldn't be happy not giving her money for it

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 21:11

Apart from anything else..

Why would you NOT pay your parents to mind your children on an almost full-time basis.

Don't give me it's a privilege, they should want to, and LOL it gives them a chance to bond.

That's just a bullshit reason to be mean, ungrateful and entitled.

Childcare is bloody exhausting. That's why we pay nursery and childminders a wage.

Schuyler · 12/08/2019 21:28

What job do you do and how much do you earn?!

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