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AIBU?

Do you pay your parents money for childcare?

260 replies

NineteenThirtyOne · 11/08/2019 21:14

Will be going back to work soon 3 days a week after mat leave. Parents have said they will be happy to mind DS but for £50 a week..

AIBU to think this isn't the norm? Confused

OP posts:
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AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 22:18

@Schuyler

Who, me?

That's irrelevant.

I wouldn't expect anyone, family or otherwise to subsidise my income by giving up their precious free time for nothing.

Childcare is exhausting. It deserves financial reward.

I don't work for nothing and I don't expect anyone else to either.

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Schuyler · 12/08/2019 22:38

@AhNowTed

No no, I meant the OP. She’s been cagey with stuff and I think she’s being massively unreasonable.

My mum has helped with childcare and wouldn’t accept money but I gift her big things in other ways like; weekends away. I leave nice food and plenty of cash so they can go out and both have nice meals. I cannot believe how many people expect and do not appreciate the childcare. It makes a huge, huge difference to us and we are immensely appreciative.

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Runbikeswim · 12/08/2019 23:11

I paid my mum and still do. Only covered costs when she did more but they are older now and I still pay. Your attitude is sooooo cheeky and entitled in my opinion ...

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AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 23:17

@Schuyler

Ah apologies.

Like you if my mum refused I would be treating her big time.

Nice to see not everyone is a cheeky they-should-feel-privileged arsehole.

Smile

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Orangepancakes · 12/08/2019 23:18

Haven't RTFT but I wouldn't expect to pay and equally wouldn't accept payment from a family member. I think it's weird. Though, I think there's a pattern to these things and often those with money are happy to charge, whilst those without won't.

Dp's parents are very comfortable for money but are quite cold people, they would happily charge us. My mum is loving and friendly and has very little money. She wouldn't dream of charging us.

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AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 23:22

@Orangepancakes

So as your accommodating mum is short of money, surely you would pay her a decent rate, no?

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TildaTurnip · 12/08/2019 23:25

My mum would have loved to look after our children. She’d have insisted on taking no money and I would have insisted she did. It would definitely have cost her to look after them-treats, groups etc. I don’t see it as a privilege for others to look after my children no matter how much they enjoy it.

So as a regular arrangement I most definitely would have paid and that sounds reasonable.

It also can cause such bad feeling in a family if one is getting free childcare...

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Indie139 · 13/08/2019 20:14

My mum picks up & looks after my daughter after school. So has her 2.5 hours tops each day.

Occasional days in the holidays as well. Out of this 6 weeks holidays she will have my daughter total 1.5 weeks. Rest of the time im off/shes with her dad/holiday club.

I dont get charged anything.

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myself2020 · 13/08/2019 20:19

£50 for 3 days childcare is pretty much nothing.... probably just about covering costs. nursery would set you back about £180 for 3 days each week...

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Aprillygirl · 13/08/2019 20:22

I think you've got a fucking cheek to expect 3 days of free childcare! One day a week maybe, but I'm sure your parents have got better things to do with their free time than look after the kids that you chose to have, even if they are blood related.

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Teddybear45 · 13/08/2019 20:31

Of course your MIL has said she’d do it for free, you mug. She’ll probably plonk your child in front of the TV for 8 hours and skimp on food as she can’t afford it. A lot of freebie grandparent childcare is basically just that!

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AhNowTed · 13/08/2019 20:41

@Indie139

She may not charge you, but as her daughter would it not occur to you to pay her something?

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TheLette · 13/08/2019 20:44

Is this really workable long-term? A colleague has just come back to work with her mum doing full-time childcare and she always seems to be off work. It's quite a lot to expect someone else to do - 1 day a week or a few half days is one thing, but 3 days a week seriously fetters someone's freedom. I pay my mum £100 / month to cover her costs (including petrol, as she has to drive 45 min each way) and that is for 1 day a week. Recently my mum was unexpectedly hospitalised and it was a real struggle and stress covering 1 day a week. I would really consider what your backup plan would be if your mum was sick or wanted to go on holiday. A nursery is a dependable option - maybe better to have a few days at nursery each week and 1 day with your mum.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 13/08/2019 21:11

jeez you sound so ungrateful !!!

50 a week is a bargain !!!

doesnt matter that yur parents didnt pay your gp

if they did, would you be less selfish about it

and if paying them 50 a week makes you not worth working, how thought? then you shouldnt have had kids to expect your parenst to look after them free

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QueenofmyPrinces · 13/08/2019 21:31

It wasn’t until I joined MN that I realised how many people expect/accept childcare from the grandparents for regular arrangements.

When my sister’s children were younger my mom had them one day a week and I couldn’t believe my sister even had the audacity to ask her to do it.

When me and DH were planning on TTC#1 we agreed that when I went back to work the child would go into formalised childcare and we would not ask or want any of our parents to regularly give up lots of their time to look after our children seeing as they are our responsibility.

My FIL is now retired and has our 5 year old for 1.5 hours on a Thursday morning before taking him to school, and then 1.5 hours after school on that day too. I feel guilty about him even providing 3 hours childcare a week for us.

Anyhow - back to your issue.

£50 is a great deal but I can see why you are feeling perplexed about it too.

Personally, if any of the grandchildren had been raving about wanting to provide childcare but then at the last minute start saying they expect payment then I would decline their offer. If your parents wanted payment for their very kind gesture then they should have been honest about it from the start - I.e from when they were first talking about it during your pregnancy.

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notanotherfucker · 13/08/2019 21:33

No, it's not normal to pay parents.

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stucknoue · 13/08/2019 21:39

It's a good deal but you need to be somewhat careful as do they because if it's income they need to declare for tax and ni

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Isithometimeyet0987 · 13/08/2019 21:56

My mum and dad refuse to take cash off me, but in a round about way I pay her and dad by paying for dinners out (unless he’s in one of his insistent moods where he has to pay for everyone’s meal that he gets in every once in a while and sneaks off to pay the bill while your still talking) and usually once or twice a year pay for a nice weekend away somewhere, although my parents are still young in there 40s and dad is nowhere near retiring (yes they had me young and yes I had DD young but mum doesn’t have to work, dad is ex army and landed himself a very good job when he left, so I got to get my career and I’m very thankful for that). So if you added up the meals, weekends away, wee presents etc it probably adds up to more than £50 a week although still less and better care than a full time nanny and I regularly ask if it’s still ok or do they want me to find a nanny.

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ElleDubloo · 13/08/2019 22:00

We pay MIL £1000 per month for 4 days a week.

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AhNowTed · 13/08/2019 22:18

@notanotherfucker

Yes, it IS normal to pay parents.

Not for ad-hoc perhaps, but 3 days a week.. of course you would.

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HollyGoLoudly1 · 13/08/2019 22:28

Yes, it IS normal to pay parents.

Looking back at this thread, I don't think that's the case. The majority (myself included) seem to be gifts/treats etc., fewer people seem to actually give their parents cash payments for childcare.

but 3 days a week.. of course you would
I don't. My parents would never take cash off me, hence gifts etc. to show my appreciation. They're retired, have more money than I ever will and offered to have DS before he was even born.

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piglet81 · 13/08/2019 22:45

But are all of you who receive free childcare from parents/ILs planning to offer the same for your hypothetical grandchildren? I am bloody knackered now and I'm not even 40. Fast forward 30+ years and there's no way I'd want to be looking after small children even for loads of money!

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HollyGoLoudly1 · 13/08/2019 22:49

@piglet81

It's a fair question and I'd say yes in theory but the reality is I'll probably be 70 or not far off when I am finally able to retire. I imagine DS will have kids long before then. My parents both retired with final salary pensions in their 50s.

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Amanduh · 13/08/2019 23:00

‘I would never pay my parents and they would never expect it! They pick up DC from school once a week and they stay over every fortnight or whenever!’ Etc etc.
Is NOT THE SAME as three constant days of childcare! Even if it is... three days is a lot.
Also the OP has a magical job that she works at for three days... yet earns less than £50.
Also OP i don’t think you understand what ‘hypocritical’ means. Your GP providing childcare for free and your parents not doesn’t make them hypocritical 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Orangepancakes · 13/08/2019 23:08

Ahnowted She would be offended if I offered.

It's just the way we are! I think it's a cultural/regional thing.

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