Do you pay your parents money for childcare?

[NineteenThirtyOne]

Will be going back to work soon 3 days a week after mat leave. Parents have said they will be happy to mind DS but for £50 a week..

AIBU to think this isn't the norm?

[Purpleartichoke]

ILs only cover the occasional one-off obligation and very occasional date night. We don’t pay them for that, but I do offer money for expenses. They always decline.

I absolutely would expect to pay if they provided regular childcare, but they have no interest in doing so as it is a huge obligation.

[CaptainJaneway62]

Oh and just to add that I have only ever seen DGC as they have gotten older as and when it suited DD. Sleepovers if they were going out for the evening etc etc. Don't get me wrong I love my DGC but being held to ransom and not seeing DGC unless I toe the line with DD the whole situation has been one total mind fuck tbh!

[Moomin8]

Some people on this thread need to get a reality check. Just because £200 a month is cheaper than rip off nursery fees, that doesn't mean everyone can afford £200 a month so stop jumping on the OP!

We live in shit times where the government makes everything bloody hard for those of us who work hard unless you're fortunate enough to be loaded. So many of us rely on family to help out.

[Moomin8]

What is this entitled generation ?

No. Evidently it's selfish, self centred generation who lack any empathy whatsoever for people on minimum wage.

[Skittlenommer]

@Moomin8 Some people on this thread need to get a reality check. Just because £200 a month is cheaper than rip off nursery fees, that doesn't mean everyone can afford £200 a month so stop jumping on the OP!

We live in shit times where the government makes everything bloody hard for those of us who work hard unless you're fortunate enough to be loaded. So many of us rely on family to help out

Here’s a novel idea! Only have children you can afford! It’s nobody else’s responsibility (Government included) to pay for or look after someone else’s kid. Can’t pay for them, don’t have them!

[Moomin8]

@Skittlenommer

So much is wrong with that attitude and post that I don't even know where to begin.

You think only rich people should have children, really? How about we introduce eugenics too into the mix?

When a government like the one we have is in power then people become selfish and nasty and introspective. And the replies on this thread are indicative of this fact.

If you can afford to pay grandparents £200 a month, then of course you should.

But I'm damned sure I would look after my daughter's kids for free if it were to help her get back on her feet. That's what families do.

[HiJenny35]

Yes one child, £20 a day, two days a week for two years.

[AhNowTed]

@Moomin8

There's helping out, and then there's being totally taken advantage of.

The OP is taking the piss.

The odd day is helping out. 3 days a week is a massive commitment.

And somehow given the mean spirited nature of the OPs posts, I doubt very much the parents goodwill and generosity is reciprocated. No, it's just expected.

[Hmmmbop]

We offered, she refused. We didn't actually end up using her for regular care though. She does ad-hoc babysitting free, and we don't offer for that. We do but a bottle of wine, flowers etc on occasion though to say thanks.

Mum used to pay my grandma back in the 80s for regular care of me (which gran used to stuff back in mums handbag!) Which is why we offered really.

[Moomin8]

Yes but the OP said that her parents asked to look after her ds - she didn't ask them first did she?

We don't know the full story but I do think there are many people who will struggle to pay £200 a month. Many mothers are in a trap of finding that working doesn't actually pay so they stay at home...and then get derogatory comments for not working.

[Skittlenommer]

@Moomin8 no I don’t only think rich people should have children. Do I think only people who can afford to feed and clothe their children and pay for childcare should have children. ABSOLUTELY.

Good for you that you’d help out but not everyone wants to. Nobody should get pregnant on the basis of getting help because it may not be available!!

[Moomin8]

Well, frankly, maybe people shouldn't have children if they stop thinking of them as family as soon as they reach working age.

[dillusionaldog]

my DPs did not have my children but they had my sisters 3 days a week. They refused to take money from her so she saved up and, once a year, would suprise them with an all inclusive fortnight away. Cost her about £1000-£1500 for the 2 of them, which was a lot cheaper than paying childcare all year. Most of the time my sister would also go to the same resort for 2 weeks, overlapping 1 week with DPs for family time then giving them one week alone.

[WhyBirdStop]

No DS will be with DM one day and MIL one day per week once I'm back at work, they offered and he will go to nursery another day. They won't even hear of us sending food etc with him and DM had basically kitted out her house like a childcare facility 🤦🏻‍♀️. MIL is coming to us. They'd be offended if we offered to pay, both see it as time to spend with their grandson and a way to help out their children who are working hard.

[WhyBirdStop]

We will make sure we treat them at regular intervals though.

[AhNowTed]

Family works both ways.

But go ahead if you think it's fair to land your kids on your pensioner parents for 3 days a week every week.

[Skittlenommer]

@Moomin8 Well, frankly, maybe people shouldn't have children if they stop thinking of them as family as soon as they reach working age

As I said further up the thread (I think) one of my many reasons for not having children is I don’t want to be burdened with looking after grandchildren. I’ve seen what it’s done to my brother-in-laws parents. It’s practically wrecked their retirement.

[Moomin8]

Yes, I realise that some situations are unreasonable and nobody should take advantage.

[CheerfulMuddler]

I pay costs, because I don't want her to out of pocket. If she wanted to be paid a fee, I would do so.

[MoreFrog]

As an afterthought on this thread, my parents wouldn't have looked after my children for £500 a week. Not even while I went for a shower. They felt the responsibility of being left alone with them was too much. And they were mid sixties. They never looked after them once. Reading this thread, I feel quite deprived.

[DurhamDurham]

If your mother in law is struggling financially now, how is she going to afford good quality child care for free? There'll be no money to go out, no money for activities and she'll have extra food to buy. Sounds depressing so you'd need to pay her expenses at least.

We look after our granddaughter two days a week, we both dropped a day at work to do this, I cover one day and my husband does the other. We wouldn't accept money because we can afford it but we would if we needed it and accepting it was the only way we could afford to provide child care.

[MsHopey]

My mom wouldn't look after my kids even with payment.
I don't want her to anyway, so that's fine. I'm the eldest of 6 and shes only got her first job a few years ago and my eldest is only 2, so timings means it wouldn't have worked.
But my mom paid my nan for a bit of after school care of a 10 year old and occasional weekend days.
I don't expect anyone to look after my kids other than me and DH but I'm a SAHP.
If I went back to work and was earning what I did in my previous role, (£9ish an hour and 3 x 10 hour shifts) I'd pay a trusted family member £50 a week!

[DaWeasleyWae]

It seems to me, that you were expecting everyone to think its absurd for you to pay someone to look after YOUR child, when in reality- it's really not. The chiice is pretty simple though.. If you don't like it.. Don't take them up on the offer! £50 a week is reasonable imo.. Would cover trips out, extra food etc.. You can't expect your parents to be out of pocket just because you had a child and want spare cash (no matter whether they neeeeed the extra cash or not)... Whilst saying this, i have offered to look after my nephew when my sister goes back to work and the subject of money has never come up. I would never dream of asking for payment as quite frankly, the chance to have a fab bond with my nephew and play a part in raising him (my kids are now all in full time school) is worth more to me. If my sister did offer a token payment, I wouldn't turn it down though--would just mean more trips out, swimming, etc...

[proudestofmums]

Doesn’t it often depend on family circumstances? If I had GCs i would reject any offer of payment from DS and DIL because we are much more comfortable financially than they are (and would probably offer to pay for professional child care) but if the financial position were reversed then it’s absolutely reasonable for parents. Not rtft but one should surely distinguish between the payment of, in effect, wages and the payment of expenses

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

My mum retired the year I had my daughter and has done a day a week for us since dd was 6 months (with me before I went back to work). She currently has my son each week and does the school run for dd. She brings snacks and sometimes meals for them, crafts, sometimes new clothes. In the holidays she has both for 2 days p/w. Has also done the occasional overnight and evening. She spoils them a bit but generally respects our rules/ approach to parenting.

She would never accept a penny for any of this and I’ve never pushed money on her. Instead I regularly express my love and gratitude. I knew she would be like this as this is what her mother did for us as kids. I will pay it forward to any gc I might have. That’s the meaning of family to me. Helping where you can. My siblings need other kinds of support and dm helps to make their lives easier in different ways.

The only way I’d consider paying a is if they were financially strapped and I was looking to financially support them anyway. A genuinely mercurial arrangement would sour the whole thing for me and I’d rather they go to paid childcare than feel a beloved relative only spends time with them for money.