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AIBU?

Do you pay your parents money for childcare?

260 replies

NineteenThirtyOne · 11/08/2019 21:14

Will be going back to work soon 3 days a week after mat leave. Parents have said they will be happy to mind DS but for £50 a week..

AIBU to think this isn't the norm? Confused

OP posts:
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Jinxed2 · 11/08/2019 21:58

No...my mum has my DS one full day and 2.5 hours one afternoon. She wouldn’t let me pay her. I know she used to pay my Nan for looking after me after school when I was younger.

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cheeseandbiscuitss · 11/08/2019 21:58

Oh and my parents DONT ever watch my 2 DC in the week. Ones dead and one works full time and even if they were retired, I would never expect them to do it. Especially not 3 days a week. And if £50 was the small amount they wanted I would happily double and more!

Nursery is £50 minimum a day PER CHILD btw

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cheeseandbiscuitss · 11/08/2019 21:59

One day a week is a privilege. 3 days is a bloody chore 🤦‍♀️

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AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/08/2019 22:01

You have said a couple of times it's a bit hypocritical because your GP looked after you.

There is no rule that says you've got to do the same as your parents! Also this might not reflect your individual circumstances but lots of things were different a couple of generations ago

  • more community ,(extended family lived closer)
  • different pensions eh final salary
  • women didn't work as much
  • people had kids younger so you had younger grandmas who didn't work and had probably had a lot more kids, one more didn't seem much more work


All this makes caring for someone elses child look v different. Dont forget hey have to treat any future grandkids (from you or siblings) fairly as well, if they offer loads of free childcare to one they may feel like hey have to for all

From another perspective even if my family had offered (not really realistic as live an hour away but not impossible) I'd have said no- I love them and want them to enjoy their retirement. And they have an amazing relationship with my chikdren, they dont have the day to day drudgery so can just play with them and have fun when they see them. I know a lot of GP who look after grandkids but mostly for one day a week, the other set do one day and one or both parents do one or two days. And I have never asked any of them, nor have they brought up, if its paid unpaid, as iga absolutely nothing to so with me and even if they were all getting a shitload of free childcare i dont think id feel differently

I always think mumsnet are harsh on GP helping out (normally the rule is if they never want to see the grandkids at all that is fine because they've done their parenting) but I think I'll use that well known mumsnet phrase - your kids, your responsibility
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loudnoises1 · 11/08/2019 22:01

Nope. She has DD 2.5 days a week while I'm at work, I just make sure I supply formula etc and treat her to a nice lunch every now and again. Will probably be extra generous with her birthday present

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SockQueen · 11/08/2019 22:02

As I said, I don't know anybody who pays their parents, they think it's a privilege they can spend time with their grandchild.

Well, spending time with your grandchildren probably is a privilege to most grandparents. But HAVING to spend every Monday-Weds (or whatever) looking after them, providing food for them, planning activities, dealing with toddler tantrums and sibling spats, no matter if you're feeling tired or unwell, having to turn down other opportunities for things you might have enjoyed - that's hard work even if you love the kids to pieces.

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Sandybval · 11/08/2019 22:02

they think it's a privilege they can spend time with their grandchild

As much as (many) grandparents love their grandchildren, it's very different spending time with them to looking after them set days. I find that a funny view that people think they are priveledged for doing so Confused. Can you ask your partner's mum to look after him if the request for £50 is that ridiculous to you?

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AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/08/2019 22:02

It's a privilege to spend time with any child. For half a day. Then it becomes tedious!

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InglouriousBasterd · 11/08/2019 22:02

My mum often drives 100 plus miles to look after my nephew for the day, she’s be horrified to be offered money tbh. I think it depends on family dynamics and finances.

She gets cracking birthday and Christmas presents off my DB and SIL mind Wink

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CloserIAm2Fine · 11/08/2019 22:04

YABVU and a CF

If you don’t want to pay your parents £50 a week then put your child in nursery and pay £50 a day, plus they won’t have DC if they’re ill, will have fees if you’re late to pick up etc

YOUR child is YOUR responsibility. Not your parents. They’re kind to offer to help out for a reduced payment. You can take it or leave it.

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GibbonLover · 11/08/2019 22:05

Hang on a min...Isn't it widely acknowledged that caring for your children is WORK? By that reasoning, caring for GC is work too. Childcare cannot be work only when it suits you to say it is, it is either always work or it is never work.

And yes to the above - three days of unpaid childcare is NOT a privilege. Saying it is sounds rather entitled.

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Jojoanna · 11/08/2019 22:06

Nope 3 days a week is not a privilege

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CrazyCatLady159 · 11/08/2019 22:06

I don't pay my mum to have my dd - never have; she has had her 2/3 days a week ... she was horrified when I offered to pay for activities / petrol etc

However, I have bought her spa days / flowers / lunches weekly / weekends away & recently a holiday abroad

I think every set of grandparents are different though and it is up to you if you want to pay your parents / MIL / use a nursery

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HollyGoLoudly1 · 11/08/2019 22:07

OP I think your getting a bit of a hard time here. I will back you up and admit that I too didn't realise it was so common to pay grandparents for childcare. As I said before, my best friend does but she is the only one I know of. The majority of my friends have grandparents providing some form of childcare and none of us pay them. We all do gifts etc. but not actual cash payments.

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MoreFrog · 11/08/2019 22:09

If this was me I would do it of love and anything to help while parents earned

Three days a week is a lot of time to commit. Now I've brought my children up I don't want to dive right back into childcare. I think it's incredibly presumptuous to imagine grandparents should be ready and willing to give up vast amounts of time, and make that sort of commitment. Having a great relationship with grandkids is one thing. Being made to feel it's an obligation is quite another.

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HollyGoLoudly1 · 11/08/2019 22:11

Although reading back through the posts, I don't know if it is that common. Don't most people seem to agree that they don't pay the GPs, but buy extra nice gifts and treats instead??

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Passmethepepsi · 11/08/2019 22:11

£40 a week for about 8 hours. Don’t mind as I would be buffered without it!

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mamaoffourdc · 11/08/2019 22:11

3 days a week is a lot to ask of someone - a huge commitment for them - £50 is a bargain - get over yourself

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highhopess · 11/08/2019 22:12

Honestly you do sound annoyed and expect a free ride. If it was one day of childcare and you were unhappy about payment I could see your point.

But 3 days...grandparents or not it is a big ask and a big imposition. Children however lovely are a lot of work especially when you are older.

They are getting a bit of spend and you are getting cheap/great childcare. It’s a win win.

Why do you expect to put your parents out for 3 whole days and they get nothing in return apart form the obvious of quality time but still it’s a lot.

You shouldn’t have gone bad mouthing and tittle tattling to mother in law. Where are your loyalties?
You should let mil have grandchild for 3 days I bet she soon changes her mind!!!

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Pumperthepumper · 11/08/2019 22:14

I’m really surprised by a lot of these posts - does anyone really believe that looking after grandchildren three days per week is a privilege? And that the odd spa day here and there makes up for three days a week, every week? Does nobody think ‘hang on, that’s an absolutely brilliant deal I’ve got here!’?

I’m on another thread just now where people are calling SAHP lazy - at what point does childcare become neither laziness or a privilege but something worth paying for?

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1Wanda1 · 11/08/2019 22:15

In my group of friends nobody pays their parents money for looking after their child while they work. They wouldn't be having him the full 3 days either.

OP, same in my group of friends. But my mum wanted £600 a month from me for after school care of my DC. For various reasons (lived very rurally, no childminder, etc), I didn't have much choice. But I was very resentful that I was paying my own mother as much as my mortgage each month, and it affected our relationship. Sometimes I had to pay petrol money too! My mum didn't need the money - mortgage was paid off and both parents have defined benefit pension schemes that I can only dream of.

Most of my friends have had childcare from parents in some form or other and none have ever paid.

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Aria2015 · 11/08/2019 22:15

My inlaws cares for my lo and didn't take any money but £50 a week is a bargain. They'll be feeding your lo and taking than out and about so they won't be making money from you. I wouldn't begrudge paying that amount. It's a drop in the ocean compared to what you'd have to pay without their help.

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Pumperthepumper · 11/08/2019 22:16

I worded that badly - nurseries will charge three times what your parents will for the privilege of looking after your child, what does that tell you about childcare?

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Alcoholtolerancegonetopot · 11/08/2019 22:17

Yes, I do. Ninety pounds for three days. I actually started with "I'll give you market rate" and they insisted on negotiating me right down. It didn't ever occur to me not to pay them.

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tattyheadsmum · 11/08/2019 22:18

Yes. My mum dropped a shift to look after my son one day a week so I pay her the same amount that she would have been paid for that shift (only around £100 pcm). She needs the money, we can afford it and it's a lot less than £50 a day for his nursery.

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