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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum not to cook for MIL?

194 replies

Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 13:33

Ok so a bit of background:

My family and DH family live in different countries. My family live in Canada and DH family is in South Africa. My mum's family is originally from Turkey. DHs family is just English.

Anyways my family is buying DH's family plane tickets to come to the UK then to come to with us to visit them.

My MIL is a bit scared of "weird" food. My mum makes brilliant Turkish dishes that include a lot of meat and rice. My DH loves my mum's cooking, so I'm sure she will make even more Turkish food. My mum wants to cook a huge feast for the day we land because she is so excited but MIL has already said she doesn't want food that has fat in it and she doesn't like anything if it's not what she's used to. I'm a bit worried about her reaction to foreign food. She generally eats only English style recipes.

AIBU to tell my mum not to cook all this food, even if it might hurt her feelings? I doubt it will be touched by MIL and this might make my mum upset anyway.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 11/08/2019 17:52

If MIL is quite happy to accept the airfare she should have enough manners to shut the fuck up about whatever food is offered!!! She certainly shouldn't be making any faces.

HawaiianLion · 11/08/2019 18:08

Warn DM that MIL probably wont eat it and not to be offended. Why should you all miss out because of MIL?

Peakypolly · 11/08/2019 18:09

Just warn your mum to cook one separate plain & English meal
Can you not order in a Chicken Tikka Masala for MIL? That is in the top 5 British dishes I believe.

ThistleTits · 11/08/2019 18:10

Tell your mum the mil is a bit plain in her tastes and leave it at that. Mil is an adult and should behave like one when she is someone's home, accepting their hospitality and at least trying their lovingly made food.

lau888 · 11/08/2019 18:19

I'm not quite sure how to vote... Of course, your mom should feel free to cook a feast; it clear she expresses her love via cooking food. However, it's unlikely your MIL will eat the food - and it might actually give her an upset stomach if she normally only eats very bland food. Can you not just explain the situation to both ladies so they understand the meaning of the feast without needing anyone to eat the food? It will look beautiful and MIL can admire the many dishes without tasting them. It's more important that MIL understands why your mom wants to cook so much food - and the reason behind the feast is lovely. x

NellieDavie · 11/08/2019 18:25

@Bettyboopityboop - if you like I'll swap places with your MIL and come and eat ALL the food o her behalf.

In seriousness though, your PIL are having a free holiday and get to spend time with their son to boot. I think it would be very ungracious of your MIL not to be profusely grateful for the, no doubt, amazing feast your mum is planning on laying on for them. Might be and idea to postpone till the day after they arrive so they've had a chance to rest from the journey, but otherwise if your MIL can't suck it up for one meal, she needs talking to about good manners!

EllenMP · 11/08/2019 18:41

You can't shame someone into liking something they don't like. But I'm sure your MIL can pick out some bits she likes from what's on offer. Everyone else can enjoy your mum's lovely food.

If you don't make a big deal of it, don't notice it, or challenge her on what she's eating or not eating, and don't make special foods for her, etc., she may well try a bite or two of something new to be polite and find it's pretty good. I would ignore it unless she brings it up and let her get on with it herself.

SamSoSer · 11/08/2019 18:52

There is no reason to tell your mum not to cook. But as you know that your MIL will only eat plainer English style food then you could accommodate that. It’s what I would do for any guest that visits us.
I’m not entirely sure why you had to mention who was paying for flights though, seem irrelevant to food preference. I don’t know but it seems like you need to add weight to the debate. “My family is paying and she won’t even like the food”
You don’t hold much esteem for you MIL and that’s ok, but treat her like a valued guest anyway?

Sweetpea55 · 11/08/2019 18:55

'just English' what the hell el is that supposed to mean

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 11/08/2019 18:56

I’m not entirely sure why you had to mention who was paying for flights though, seem irrelevant to food preference.

I think it was relevant to mention to show how excited my family is and to indicate why my mum would want to make a feast.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 11/08/2019 19:05

I used just in this context as defined by the Oxford dictionary.

just
adverb
1.
exactly.
"that's just what I need"
synonyms: exactly, precisely, absolutely, completely, totally, entirely, perfectly, utterly, wholly, thoroughly...
4.
simply; only; no more than.
"just a bad day in the office"
synonyms: only, merely, simply, but, nothing but, no more than; More
at best, at most;
alone, to the exclusion of everyone/everything else, and no one else, and nothing else;
nobbut;

The opposite of just would mean more than 1. So if she were English and French, I would not say she is "just English".

Hopefully that answers that.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 11/08/2019 19:17

I wish your mum was cooking for me - it all sounds delicious!

(And I know what you meant by "just English" - 'just' as in 'solely', right? Just that one thing, with no additions.)

I agree that simply grilled chicken and bread, and perhaps rice or couscous should be fine. A baked potato is always easy to bung in the oven, too! If there's no pressure, MIL may branch out and try something new. Not everyone can manage different tastes, and that's fine as long as they're polite about it.

I shall now gaze mournfully at my cheese on toast, and wish it were a Turkish banquet instead.

Motoko · 11/08/2019 19:27

I knew what you meant OP. Some people like to pick random things the OP has said, so they can have a pop. Just ignore it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/08/2019 19:44

Warn your mum you MIL is a dickhead total fuss pot
🤷‍♀️

Everyone else shouldn’t miss out on awesome food because of her.

Also she’ll happily take a free flight but can’t show basic manners and eat some not particularly “out there” food? 😑

Pliudev · 11/08/2019 19:49

Please don't tell your DM that your MIL is a 'fussy' eater. It makes it sound like the food being declined is somehow inferior. Tell her that MIL has a limited diet. Your DM can provide something simple and everyone else can enjoy a lovely meal. Your parents sound wonderful.

Kerrywerrywoo1 · 11/08/2019 19:49

Don’t piss on your mums fireworks when she is all excited to cook a Turkish feast, just tell her your MIL is a typical fussy cow who wants plain food and make her a shepherds pie or something. Tell MIL please do NOT offend my mother and my family by making faces at our cultural meals...........Don’t pander to her fussy behaviour when everyone else will love your mums cooking and if she says she won’t be anything other than ‘herself’ then ask her not to come !

Helendee · 11/08/2019 20:11

Isn’t it just as rude to expect someone to eat your cooking whether they like it or not as it is for them to refuse to try it?
What’s wrong with personal choice?

Jux · 11/08/2019 21:16

Oh please let your mum cook, everyone else will love it and your MIL can pick up a McDonald's on the way.

Helendee · 11/08/2019 21:23

Jux

Exactly, everyone had the right to eat what they want to.

Jux · 11/08/2019 21:33

Can your dh take her into the room where the feast is laid out and point out things he thinks she might be OK with? As well as having a Big Mac (or whatever) waiting for her, I mean.

So she sees all the food, her attention is on the stuff she can eat (or knowing there is something different waiting for her and she doesn't have to eat any of this forrin muck). Then she can be a bit more relaxed about it, as there's no pressure on her to actually eat it.

Your dh could maybe have a few words about the Turkish culture which includes, of course, not talking about what you can't eat but what you can. Or something.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/08/2019 21:38

I’m sure your MIL will be fine with it - it’s not anything fancy after all, just Turkish.

smilingontheinside · 11/08/2019 21:51

Im with brassbrass she has acceoted thr flights she should be gracious and accept the meal. I was given a meal, toatal surprise when dropping something round to help a family who had very little. I had never had food from this country, had small glass if some alcohol (I didnt really drink) and then was given a special dessert, trifle, I hate trifle. But I ate and drank and thanked them for the trouble they had gone to, I was very touched that they had made such an effort. MIL should just step out of het comfort zone she may get a nice surprise

smilingontheinside · 11/08/2019 21:52

Apologies for errors, I'm tired Blush

MissEliza · 11/08/2019 21:57

Op, my dh is from the Middle East and we used to live there. My dps visited twice a year. Dh's family would always invite my dps for a meal. My dm liked plain English food but she always made an effort to eat something and act like she was enjoying it because that's what good guests do.

madisoncat · 11/08/2019 22:12

I would think the "Day you land" after a long flight is not a good day to have a "Feast".

But as for the food ? If a fussy eater can't find something to eat at a "Feast" then it's too bad. I'm sure others will really enjoy the food.

So as for what to tell you Mum, I'd say cook what pleased her.

But do think about allowing MIL some time to settle after the flight before she's presented with lots of food and may extended family members.