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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum not to cook for MIL?

194 replies

Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 13:33

Ok so a bit of background:

My family and DH family live in different countries. My family live in Canada and DH family is in South Africa. My mum's family is originally from Turkey. DHs family is just English.

Anyways my family is buying DH's family plane tickets to come to the UK then to come to with us to visit them.

My MIL is a bit scared of "weird" food. My mum makes brilliant Turkish dishes that include a lot of meat and rice. My DH loves my mum's cooking, so I'm sure she will make even more Turkish food. My mum wants to cook a huge feast for the day we land because she is so excited but MIL has already said she doesn't want food that has fat in it and she doesn't like anything if it's not what she's used to. I'm a bit worried about her reaction to foreign food. She generally eats only English style recipes.

AIBU to tell my mum not to cook all this food, even if it might hurt her feelings? I doubt it will be touched by MIL and this might make my mum upset anyway.

OP posts:
AhYaWeeGobshite · 10/08/2019 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JingsMahBucket · 10/08/2019 22:06

@GoJetterGirl I’m so proud of you. This schadenfreude almost made me misty eyed! 😂 Thank you for sharing.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:10

It’s just another covert mil bashing thread. And plenty of people are joining in

I think you’re right. If this were a child or actually anyone else I’m sure people would’ve saying that they shouldn’t be made to feel bad because they only like “English food” and that even the OPs mum should probably offer something bland but as it’s only the MIL she should put up and shut up.

Just another thread to make out the MIL is wrong.

PooWillyBumBum · 10/08/2019 22:13

Bertrand, MIL is having this trip funded and already stipulating she doesn’t want any food with fat in it. Screams high maintenance. Plus OP worried about her faces/noises of disgust which suggests she has previous for odd behaviour.

Any decent human being with food issues can be trusted to discreetly pick at something plain from the table and just get on with it. Let alone one whose son’s wife’s relatives are paying for the trip! My 11 year old isn’t a great eater but can be trusted at our Sri Lankan friends’ house to try a little of something, fill up on plain bread/rice and - if questioned - apologises for her fussiness or feigns lack of hunger due to big breakfast!

shockthemonkey · 10/08/2019 22:16

Just rename the dishes. Imam bayaldi = ratatouille etc. I’m sure your MIL will like what is served or have the manners to avoid offending your mum. I can’t imagine she’d be that rude after your family’s exceptional generosity

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:20

I would imagine if your parents have paid for your in-laws flights they have a good relationship? That MIL wouldn’t actually be so rude to pull her face and say “yuck” to someone kindly hosting them?

My bet is that MIL is a “meat and two veg” type and isn’t very adventurous but for the purpose of a juicy MIL thread the OP has made her out to be the villain.

JingsMahBucket · 10/08/2019 22:24

@nosauce the OP didn’t make her out to be the villain, she just stated what her MIL is like. She likes boring and English food and has a bad habit of thinking anything else is “weird”. Just because you or other posters may identify with the MIL and feel offended by being called out as picky and unadventurous eaters, doesn’t mean the OP was demonizing her MIL.

JingsMahBucket · 10/08/2019 22:24

@shockthemonkey you’d be surprised at some people’s rudeness around food.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:26

My issue was being worried if my mum were to see any "revulsion" from my MIL on what would be on offer that she would be offended

It's the "yuck" reaction that's not fun to experience.

Hardly positive is it?

thecatinthetwat · 10/08/2019 22:38

Sounds like your mil is rude and that’s the problem. Rather than being fussy. She could be polite and grateful and just grab some plain rice or whatever.

Is mil expecting everyone else to miss out because everyone else should do as she wants. I.e. your mum doesn’t get to cook as she wants. You, dh and fil don’t get to eat what you want. Everyone has an apple because that’s what mil wants to eat.

No. Just tell your mum you’ll all enjoy the food but mil will just eat a salad or fruit or whatever. No need for anyone to be offended. Mil is allowed to eat what she wants as long as it’s not too much effort. Everyone else do what they want.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:41

Is mil expecting everyone else to miss out because everyone else should do as she wants. I.e. your mum doesn’t get to cook as she wants. You, dh and fil don’t get to eat what you want. Everyone has an apple because that’s what mil wants to eat

Does MIL even know about the meal the OPs mum has said she’s making? Or is this just the OP worrying that MIL won’t eat/like any of it?

prettybird · 10/08/2019 22:45

I can't/won't eat a couple of foods without retching (mushrooms and peppers). However, that is my problem and, although most of my friends know this, if I'm eating somewhere where I can't avoid it, I either eat very little or try to to eat something else (eg salad). I certainly don't expect special food to be made for me. (A mushroom risotto at friends of dh in South Africa was a particularly difficult experience). If that means I end up hungry, it's still my problem and not the host, who has done their best to feed me.

However, as an adult, I am now pretty sure I know what will make me retch and what won't Hmm

summersherewishiwasnt · 10/08/2019 22:48

Don’t say anything... I assume there will bread and such. She will not go hungry.

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 22:49

Does MIL even know about the meal the OPs mum has said she’s making?

Yes. We talked about it today and that's what made me start this thread.

OP posts:
Coffeeandcherrypie · 10/08/2019 22:51

Why are your parents paying for your DH’s family to fly from SA to Canada?! That’s going to cost a bomb!

Your MIL is BVU to already talk about only wanting food she is used to when she hasn’t even bloody arrived and is being flown over at no cost to her!

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 22:54

Why are your parents paying for your DH’s family to fly from SA to Canada?!

My family never got to meet them in person because DH and I eloped but my family has always wanted to meet DH's family.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:58

Has she said she will eat something plain OP?

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 23:15

Has she said she will eat something plain OP?

It wasn't so much that she would tell me what she would eat exactly, the conversation was more about my mum being so excited and wanted to cook a lot of food (my DH then went in to detail about some of the foreign dishes) and she wasn't pleased. She then told me that she would not eat anything if there was fat in it. It was more about what she wouldn't eat and I could hear the revulsion in her voice so that's why I wondered if I should just tell my mum to not go overboard with the cooking. My mum is sensitive and does get her feelings hurt really easily. I have had occasions with MIL where she has been disgusted with the idea of certain foods (she lives in South Africa but is disgusted by droewors for example and made many comments when DH bought it when we went out and while we ate it). I actually really like my MIL and no, I'm not trying to do a MIL bashing thread. Sometimes I don't like certain foods, but because of the circumstances in which I was raised I would never pull a face about it. I just don't want my family to start not liking DH's family.

OP posts:
doskant · 10/08/2019 23:15

I was going to ask why your PIL were being paid for too. Still seems overly generous of your parents, OP. Was going to them or meeting halfway an option?

Also interested to hear what your DH says about all this. Any suggestions from him? Why can’t he cook for his mother so your mum can focus on preparing her (delicious) food?

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 23:24

Was going to them or meeting halfway an option?

My parents volunteered to pay to have them out because it's hard for my dad to fly (health reasons) but also because they have a very large property with a second guest house where DH's family will stay in (so there's no accomodation cost).

DH isn't worried, he thinks his mum will love all these foods (hence why he went on about it) despite her disagreeing with him over the phone.

OP posts:
doskant · 10/08/2019 23:25

She lost her shit, called me a stupid little girl (read my previous threads, you’ll get a taste of her bullshit from them) and demanded FIL take her home

Wow. Just wow.

Also love to know where your DH was in this, @GoJetterGirl

My MIL is very unadventurous, but more than that she hates me and everything I do!

She’s only ever picked at anything I cook with a look of total disgust on her face, even if it’s her local cuisine.

My husband loves my cooking and insisted I prepare Japanese one day as he wanted his family to like it too. Warned him it was a bad idea but he pushed so I did it. The look on MIL’s face... Everyone else tucked in, including her elderly mother who has had far less experience with “weird food” but she wouldn’t even try it. She honestly looked like she was going to vomit and shot me daggers every time someone gave me a compliment. Shame.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 23:29

I hope your DH is right OP. Only someone completely atrocious would openly pull their face at the food someone had only made, especially if that person had paid for your flights too. I bet it will all be ok.

Is MIL the sort of person you could have a chat to and explain that your mum would be extremely hurt if she thought someone didn’t like her food? Would she grasp that?

doskant · 10/08/2019 23:30

I still don’t get why your parents are paying though. Flights are not cheap and these are virtual strangers they’re paying for. Why don’t your PIL pay for their own flights?

I hope your DH is right in thinking your MIL will like the food after all. If not, there are plenty of us in this thread who will happily take her place! Tell your mum that! However, he may have the blinkers on when it comes to his mother like my DH. Either way, I think it’s up to him to sort her out if she complains.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/08/2019 23:37

Okay, thanks for clarifying, Betty

Since it appears you may have real cause for concern, as opposed to worrying over something that may never happen, would it be worth asking DH to have a diplomatic word?

This really shouldn't be necessary with an adult, be they a MIL or anyone else, but do you think she'd take it on board?

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 23:44

Is MIL the sort of person you could have a chat to and explain that your mum would be extremely hurt if she thought someone didn’t like her food? Would she grasp that?

I don't even think she notices that she does it. I think she feels she's making conversation and just talking about herself. When we were eating droewors, she kept saying to DH "Oh no, I could never eat that. You can have it." While she pulled a face. I don't really know if I want to mention anything because I wouldn't want her to get upset with me.

Why don’t your PIL pay for their own flights?

My parents really love my DH and know that quietly my in laws just choose not to spend much at all now they are retired. They often get in to rows over spending and for very small amounts (like £5). They're not struggling (no mortgage or anything like that) but they are very restricted on their spending. My parents are the opposite personality wise when it comes to stuff like this.

OP posts: