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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum not to cook for MIL?

194 replies

Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 13:33

Ok so a bit of background:

My family and DH family live in different countries. My family live in Canada and DH family is in South Africa. My mum's family is originally from Turkey. DHs family is just English.

Anyways my family is buying DH's family plane tickets to come to the UK then to come to with us to visit them.

My MIL is a bit scared of "weird" food. My mum makes brilliant Turkish dishes that include a lot of meat and rice. My DH loves my mum's cooking, so I'm sure she will make even more Turkish food. My mum wants to cook a huge feast for the day we land because she is so excited but MIL has already said she doesn't want food that has fat in it and she doesn't like anything if it's not what she's used to. I'm a bit worried about her reaction to foreign food. She generally eats only English style recipes.

AIBU to tell my mum not to cook all this food, even if it might hurt her feelings? I doubt it will be touched by MIL and this might make my mum upset anyway.

OP posts:
GoJetterGirl · 10/08/2019 16:35

Don’t entertain the fussy eater. Your mum should make a wonderful Turkish feast and your MIL should just eat what she can and be graceful and polite about it. Really, indulging adult fussy eaters who are neurotypical and without allergies is just nonsense

^^
This x 1000

My mil is the fussiest eater going, has ruined numerous family meals for us, criticises my cooking (Swedish being my main style) so one day I decided not to play ball, I prepared food for the whole family, warned MIL that unless she chooses something g realistic (she asked me not to cook her food in the same oven!, —I’m not a short order chef!!—) then she will get a cheese sandwich.

She did nothing about it,

She got a cheese sandwich,

Was never a problem again. Don’t give in to shit like this, not worth the angst

Limt · 10/08/2019 16:36

MustStop You can't stand fussy eaters? and they need to grow the fuck up?

You have issues.

nokidshere · 10/08/2019 16:38

I understand what people are saying here, to offer MIL a plain dish, which we will do. My issue was being worried if my mum were to see any "revulsion" from my MIL on what would be on offer that she would be offended. It's easy for people to say there's no drama, but my mum's feelings would be hurt. I have personally experienced picky eaters being upset by what I was eating and it does sting a bit sometimes. It's the "yuck" reaction that's not fun to experience. Another example is that my mum will make a lot of yogurt based soups, which I don't think are typical for a western pallet, some of which are served cold, so I wasn't sure about the reaction to food that would be so different but also served along normal staples of meat and rice.

I'm sure your MIL is perfectly capable of politely saying she doesn't like something rather than pull a face and say "yuk I can't believe you are eating that". I'm just as sure that your mum has had people not like something she has cooked before and isn't so flakey that she is going to be hurt and upset because another adult doesn't like something.

You are trying to micro manage everyone. They are all adults and do not need you to work it all out in advance for them.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2019 16:46

Is your mil noted for her bad manners?

flumpybear · 10/08/2019 16:54

Is there any reason why you think your MIL will offend your mum? If she doesn't like fatty or spicy/ flavoured foods etc that's one thing, but offending your mum with her words? Is this something she has form for? It's surely rare for people to be bluntly rude just because they don't like a type of taste or certain foods disagree with their gut etc?!

justasking111 · 10/08/2019 16:55

I actually feel sorry for the arriving parents being faced with a full feast on arrival. Jet lag does kill the appetite and the effort of polite conversation.

Teacakeandalatte · 10/08/2019 16:56

My issue was being worried if my mum were to see any "revulsion" from my MIL on what would be on offer that she would be offended
Who would act that way to someone who is buying them expensive plane tickets? I think you might be worrying unnecessarily.

prettybird · 10/08/2019 16:59

Whereabouts/how long have your PIL been in SA?

Some of the South African food can be quite spicy and not that dissimilar to some Turkish food: bobotie, for example, which is both spicy and cinnamony. My mum also used to make a lovely Cape Malay curry. Africakaner chops were also quite sharpy (rather than spicy). Boerewors (literally, farmer's sausages) have cumin and coriander in them (recipes are usually closely guarded family secrets Wink)

FlashingLights101 · 10/08/2019 17:00

If you have kids, I would say loudly to kids in front of MIL "now remember, this food might be a little different than you're used to, but Granny has spent a lot of time preparing it, so it would be really rude to make any unkind comments or say that you don't like it. Just try and eat what you can and make sure you say thank you so she knows we appreciate the effort she's gone to".

Hopefully MIL would also get the message!

Vasya · 10/08/2019 17:04

Let your mum cook what she wants but warn her your MIL is fussy and will want something really plain. Tell her you can arrange that yourself if your mum is worried about getting it wrong.

There doesn't need to be drama as long as everyone knows what to expect.

BogglesGoggles · 10/08/2019 17:08

New plan. I will dress up as your MIL and spend the entire trip gorging myself on your mothers cooking. Turkish food is by far the best, hands down!

JingsMahBucket · 10/08/2019 17:22

@GoJetterGirl what did your picky MIL say after being presented with a cheese sandwich? Did she feel embarrassed and did others comment? I’m being nosey!

SpoonBlender · 10/08/2019 17:25

I see you've drawn out the "two glasses of wine, grumpy because of the weather, let's be aggressively picky on the Internet crowd, OP. What larks.

Give your mum a detailed heads-up as to what MIL is like with food - that way she'll be fully prepared for the potential offences caused unwittingly by both sides.

PooWillyBumBum · 10/08/2019 17:32

Your MIL sounds like a twat. If someone else was paying for my plane tickets I'd not be making stipulations! Your poor mother. Let her cook her feast, wax lyrical about it and buy MIL a value microwave shepherds pie.

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2019 17:32

It is horrible being 'picky', 'fussy' or whatever you want to call it.

I would never be rude, but if I don't like something I cannot and will not eat it. It's not a choice and it's very restricting.

But it's not deliberate.

ysmaem · 10/08/2019 17:44

Just tell your mother that you're all looking forward to this delicious feast she's making but just forewarn her that your MIL is a very fussy eater at least then your mother will be prepared and not be offended.

lazylinguist · 10/08/2019 17:45

Presumably the OP knows her MIL and would not be worrying about a 'yuck ' reaction if it were not something that the MIL is actually likely to do. This is not a 'MIL bashing thread'. It's a thread about a fussy eater whom the OP is actually trying to accommodate.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2019 17:48

“Your MIL sounds like a twat.”

What leads you to that conclusion?

quizqueen · 10/08/2019 17:56

Just have plenty of salad as a side dish and your MIL can live on that.

Kingk1 · 10/08/2019 17:58

Why should u disappoint ur mum by not letting her cook for u all because of ur Mil? Your Mil sounds self centered and ignorant. Tell ur mam ur looking forward to her meal but to cook plain chicken and rice for Mil.

billy1966 · 10/08/2019 18:49

OP, have you experience of your MIL making rude sounds etc?

Because I'm sure there are lots of people who prefer plain, simple food but wouldn't dream of being rude about what others are eating.

Prepare your mother, that not everyone may like everything she cooks as they may not be used to it. Hopefully your DM isn't too precious about her cooking.

Prepare your guests that your mother will be making Turkish cuisine, but that plainer food will also be an option.

I agree with others that to defer the feast might be a good idea. After a long flight they may not do it justice.

Lweji · 10/08/2019 18:51

Just ensure there's some plain meat and rice available, and salads.

What kind of English style food does she like? Because pies are not particularly plain, although they're not very condimented.

I'd warn your mother that MIL isn't used to certain types of food, but I'd certainly encourage MIL to try the foods, preferably before they reach the table so that she can select what she might like to eat, or not.

GoJetterGirl · 10/08/2019 20:11

what did your picky MIL say after being presented with a cheese sandwich? Did she feel embarrassed and did others comment? I’m being nosey!

She lost her shit, called me a stupid little girl (read my previous threads, you’ll get a taste of her bullshit from them) and demanded FIL take her home (he has already started stuffing his face at this point) he point blank refused and she went to sit in the car when she realised that I owed her nothing but that cheese sandwich because 1) she had been told that would happen and 2) she did nothing to help herself, I would gladly have cooked her a plain meal, but I wasn’t cleaning out my oven before cooking it ffs!!

IamWaggingBrenda · 10/08/2019 20:51

JemimasJumper - I have an awful food phobia and am sick of attitudes like yours. Yes, you have an excuse, and I’m genuinely sorry you’ve suffered so much. However, I think it’s fair to suggest that most people who reject food because it is different from what they are used to, are not food phobic. They are picky eaters. I have several people in my family who are picky eaters, but would never be so rude as to refuse to eat something because it is not to their taste. Because they are mature adults.

Amummyatlast · 10/08/2019 21:01

I grew up being given a limited range of food (lots of it, just not lots of different types). It means that as an adult there are lots of things I find unpalatable, because I never grew to like them as a child. So I will refuse food that I know I dislike (including fruit with savoury food, sweet mixed with sour and cream based foods). I’m not going to make myself nauseous, just because to some ‘being an adult’ requires to you eat whatever is put in front of me. What does it hurt to provide some plain food that you know she will eat?

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