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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum not to cook for MIL?

194 replies

Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 13:33

Ok so a bit of background:

My family and DH family live in different countries. My family live in Canada and DH family is in South Africa. My mum's family is originally from Turkey. DHs family is just English.

Anyways my family is buying DH's family plane tickets to come to the UK then to come to with us to visit them.

My MIL is a bit scared of "weird" food. My mum makes brilliant Turkish dishes that include a lot of meat and rice. My DH loves my mum's cooking, so I'm sure she will make even more Turkish food. My mum wants to cook a huge feast for the day we land because she is so excited but MIL has already said she doesn't want food that has fat in it and she doesn't like anything if it's not what she's used to. I'm a bit worried about her reaction to foreign food. She generally eats only English style recipes.

AIBU to tell my mum not to cook all this food, even if it might hurt her feelings? I doubt it will be touched by MIL and this might make my mum upset anyway.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/08/2019 14:33

Turkish food is my all time favourite.

What does MIL eat in South Africa?

Oysterbabe · 10/08/2019 14:34

My MIL is like this. I'd just make sure there is something she'll eat then not worry about it.

Durgasarrow · 10/08/2019 14:36

Your mother in law will have been traveling a long way. Why not make her feel comfortable by offering her something she likes to eat--isn't that the meaning of hospitality? There are lovely Turkish foods that are very straightforward for someone who likes plain food. If someone is anxious, why make her feel alienated, uncomfortable, and unwanted when she has flown thousands of miles? Surely that is the opposite of what a welcoming feast is supposed to do.

Mereke · 10/08/2019 14:39

Let your mum cook her feast, mil will be able to eat rice and presumably a few other dishes, if she's going to be completely fussy make her a sandwich.

diddl · 10/08/2019 14:50

Meat & rice-mind blowingly radical!!

Let your mum cook & make sure that there is something plain for MIL?

Where will you all be staying in Canada & do all of your parents get on?

I can't imagine being paid for to visit my own son & then going off to see his ILs.

Ponoka7 · 10/08/2019 14:51

Just because you don't like a certain cuisine doesn't make you a fussy eater.

I personally don't like fruit with meat, even UK versions of that. I'm not keen on nuts in dishes and meat made into shapes (kofta/balls etc). I like aubergine but not with oil. So when I've been to Turkey I've eaten more Greek/Cypriot dishes and Turkey always have really good Indian restaurants.

If you want to be a good hosts, you ask what your guests eat and cook it. If it's a simple, processed carb, free meal, it's not going to be difficult.

But as said, rarely would you get off a flight from the UK to Canada and want a feast.

You'd want something easily digestible.

Soontobe60 · 10/08/2019 14:52

The only concessions I would make would be for a vegetarian/vegan or for a known diagnosed food allergy, e.g. Coeliac. and even then, I wouldn't expect anyone to cook in a different cuisine.
Does your mum do food parcels OP 🤣🤣🤣

flumpybear · 10/08/2019 14:54

Sounds lovely to me but perhaps she's not very adventurous

'Just English' .... very poor terminology - do you have problems with English people?

Loveislandaddict · 10/08/2019 15:02

I would let dm cook her food, but pre-warn her so she can cook a couple of plainer dishes. Maybe some spag Bol, or jacket potatoes etc.

Rory786 · 10/08/2019 15:02

Oh I love Turkish food. Salivating here! Does your mum make that soft pillowy Turkish bread...I think its called pide. Its yum

Sorry back to the thread!

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 15:02

'Just English' .... very poor terminology - do you have problems with English people?
No I was trying to illustrate that my family is ethnically mixed while my husband's family is 100% English.

OP posts:
FlashingLights101 · 10/08/2019 15:04

'Just English' .... very poor terminology - do you have problems with English people?

Eh? I think OP just meant that there were no other heritages involved on DH's side (as opposed to hers, which has Turkish and I assume one other, poss Canadian)? I certainly didn't read that badly.

FlashingLights101 · 10/08/2019 15:04

Cross-posted with OP!

JemimasJumper · 10/08/2019 15:15

MIL has two choices. She either grows the fuck up and eats like an adult

How pleasant of you.

I have an awful food phobia and am sick of attitudes like yours. It is not fussy eating it is a genuine fear. Mine was caused, in 2 separate ways, and by a tyrant of a father.

One of my earliest memories was having sperm forced down my throat then had the taste taken away with biscuits.

The 2nd way was being terrified of mealtimes because if I was slow to eat or didn't like or try to refuse food he would initially force feed me until I vomited, after which he would continue to present me with the uneaten portion of the meal (including any vomit) for days. The only food I felt safe with was very plain foods with a small number of textures only. I ended up severely ill due to malnutrition and the associated deficiencies that come with it. I am still extremely underweight.

I have tried every therapy I can find and I still can't manage so many foods.

It ruined my social life before it began because I cannot eat out. I cannot eat processed foods or foods anyone else has made, including my children (who, thankfully, understand).

I am changing my username after this message, but I needed to say this to you and suggest you grow the fuck up and stop behaving like an obnoxious, egotistical opinionated idiot

Herocomplex · 10/08/2019 15:16

Turkish food is completely delicious. I still daydream about the breakfast in a hotel we stayed in. The bread, the yoghurt, the cheese, the little cucumbers and olives. Literally heaven.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2019 15:24

“I am changing my username after this message, but I needed to say this to you and suggest you grow the fuck up and stop behaving like an obnoxious, egotistical opinionated idiot”

Don’t worry- she only said that because we’re talking about a mil. Everyone else is allowed food preferences.

Cocobean30 · 10/08/2019 15:25

Turkish food is so nice and is hardly weird or out there, so MIal would be unreasonable to not be able to eat any of it, she sounds like a PITA. Live off your mums feast for a few days if it doesn’t get eaten, I’m jealous! :(

Hollyhobbi · 10/08/2019 15:29

Oh Jemima that's so awful for you. Sounds like you have turned around your own childhood to make sure your children had a happy childhood from you. Flowers

percheron67 · 10/08/2019 15:29

"just English"?? Not important I suppose!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/08/2019 15:31

Another vote here for a separate, simple dish for MIL, but actually there's another issue: will she just quietly enjoy her own food or is this an attention-seeking thing, where she'll make unwelcome comments about what everyone else is eating?

Only you know the answer, but if it's the second you might want to be prepared for that ...

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2019 15:33

“is this an attention-seeking thing, where she'll make unwelcome comments about what everyone else is eating?“
Of course it is - she’s a MIL!

Why on earth would you leap to a suggestion like that just because someone likes plain food!

Original poster
Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 15:34

"just English"?? Not important I suppose!

I will correct my terminology... DH's family is very special English with super powers. Mastering the skill of flight as we speak.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 10/08/2019 15:35

Just tell your mum to leave aside some for your MIL with no seasoning.

SteelRiver · 10/08/2019 15:35

Have a chat with your mam, explaining your mother in law isnt a good eater. It's nothing personal, just the way she is. Maybe you could help your mam prepare one or two simple dishes,something you know you mother in law likes, to be included as part of the occasion.

OtraCosaMariposa · 10/08/2019 15:37

Don’t worry- she only said that because we’re talking about a mil. Everyone else is allowed food preferences

Not at all. OP didn't say "MIL can only eat very plain food because of medical issues, or psychological issues, or that she has serious food issues stemming from an abusive childhood.".

She said "she doesn't like anything if it's not what she's used to". Unwilling to try new things. We all know someone like that who has a massive long list of things they won't eat and is a total pain when planning nights out or get togethers.

If someone's paying you to fly from South Africa and putting on a slap up meal for you, it's the height of bad manners not to eat it with good grace. And I'd say the same whether it was a MIL, FIL, brother, sister, aunt, next door neighbour, friend, colleague....