I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

You are not being unreasonable OP. Quite frankly, I would completely ignore anyone who says otherwise.

This man means very little, if not nothing, to you, he's made no effort with you, so why should there be an assumption that he will make any effort with your child or that your child should refer to him as grandad? This is just your mum having her nose put out of joint, but that's her problem, not yours.

I have step parents and my DD calls them their respective grandparent-names, BUT, the difference with my situation is that I have known my step parents for of my life, are hugely important to me, and feature heavily in my DD's life.

Your child, your choice. Your mum will have to get over it.

What about calling him a different name like pops

YANBU for preferring your child doesn't call him grandad, but your child might well decide themselves. My kids call their nan's partner 'grandad'. I'm not going to stop them and explain that because he isn't related by blood he isn't really family to them. It's how they see the relationship. Just like other family who have half and step siblings but just call them brother or sister. It doesn't have to be technically correct, if that's the way they see them. I can see why it upsets your mum and I'd probably let them call him grandad because they're likely to do it at some point anyway and it will cause less confusion and offence.

I think you are being a bit precious.
My children have 3 sets of grandparents. My step dad has been in my life since I was 5, so there was never any doubt that he was grandad.
My dads wife however has only been on the scene a few years-she requested that she didn’t want to be called nanny (politely-she’s a lovely woman) for two reasons-she felt she didn’t deserve the title from my children (they had all been born before she came along) and her own biological children had not yet had children.
So it’s Grandad and X....however the children have all naturally just starting calling her nanny x without so much as prompting.

And as far as I’m concerned the more grandparents the better

My stepdad was called Grandad First Name by my boys, my mum left him and married another man and eldest DS calls him First Name and my youngest DS calls him Uncle First Name. My ex step dad is still in their lives, albeit only on birthdays and Xmas, and is still Grandad First Name. Where I come from family friends of parents are called Aunty or Uncle First Name if they’re close so clearly round here no one is too bothered about family appellations being sacred to genetically related loved ones

I feel this.

My mum and dad are separated and both have new partners plus my dd fathers parents. My dd has "3 grandads and 3 grandmas" and a lady in the village calls herself grandma when she babysit for me.

I just try and remember she is getting an awful lot of love. I'm a single mum and can't have anymore.

It's hard because I think it's confusing but my dd takes it all in her stride.

Good luck x

My mum was furious at me when I didn’t send her husband a Father’s Day card. She married him when I was in my 30s - my dad’s dead, and my mum’s husband is not my father! My sibling has DC (we don’t) and they do call him grandpa. I wouldn’t be keen on this, personally.

My step FIL is Grandad to our boys but he’s been in DH’s life for about 30 years! Actual FIL’s (3rd) wife is known by her first name by the kids.

I DTYBU at all ...

100% agree with you, no way i’d be happy with this at all. “Uncle” would be more suitable at the most. If your mums going to be so toxic and emotionally blackmail you about it then honestly I wouldn’t want her negativity around my kid anyways. My mum tried a few times to get my DD to call her mummy & I put her right in her place & told her in no apparent terms would she dare. I didn’t give two shits that she was offended, my child my rules

My dad is Grandad and my mums husband is Grandpa. He asked if he could be called Grandpa, I checked with my dad as I didn't want him to feel disrespected. As her own father isn't in her life it's nice for her to have an 2 sets of grandparents even if they are not biological. It's bit like saying adopted parents aren't your parents...

She will always know that Grandpa is not blood related and that my dad is her 'actual' grandad.

How about compromise, my dad is Grandad, but my dh step dad is Grampy (sometimes we say Grumpy 😂) but he has his own name and place within the children's life, although they know who their Grandad is.

It’s not at all like saying adopted parents aren’t your parents. They legally, financiall,pay, emotionally and morally are your parents. They have a responsibility to raise you - they are in every respect your parents, they just don’t have a biological link.

Of OP’’s mums boyfriend adopted Op when she was a child then he would be her son’s grandpa - no questions asked. But he didn’t, he started dated her mum four years ago.

Sorry - it just annoys me when people trivialise adoption. Bringing a child into a family via adoption is not in anyway comparable to bringing an adult into a family via a romantic relationship.

My husband’s paternal grandmother died before he was born. His grandfather subsequently met a new partner (although they never married) who my husband called ‘Auntie Annie’ (rather than Gran). Something along similar lines might work here.

However the issue here seems to be more that your mum has indicated that she doesn’t respect a fairly reasonable request that you’ve made. I only leave my daughter with people whose judgement I trust and who I trust will comply with any requests or rules that I have (though tbh I’m pretty laid back about most things). Your mum has already indicated that she won’t - or is unlikely to - do as you’ve asked. So, would you want her looking after your baby?

Hugs though as I really feel for you. There’s still time for your mum to come around - and sometimes babies can bring the most fractured families together - but that doesn’t sound like it’s likely to happen from what you’ve said...

OP please ignore the judgemental people on here saying YABU. If anything everyone's posts should tell you that their family set up is different. My nieces and nephews call my stepdad Granddad and as much as he pretends he hates it (being called granddad makes him feel old ) he secretly loves it and has a great relationship with them. I tend to alternate between calling him dad or by his first name out of habit because my biological dad (who we've had no contact with in over 20 years) was still on the scene when my mum met him but he has raised me and my siblings since we were all young, the grandchildren all know the truth since we have explained this when they've been old enough to ask questions, they've accepted it and still call him granddad. I don't blame you one bit for saying no to your mum's demands it'd be totally different if he was in your life longer and made some sort of effort to have a relationship of sorts with you but it sounds like he hasn't. At the end of the day it comes down to what you're comfortable with and if your mum would rather stop speaking to you because she can't have her way and miss out on another grandchild well frankly she's being childish and selfish don't bow down and give in or it will be demanding something else next and the same ultimatum of we're done when she can't get her own way leave her to stew I'd bet she'll soon change her mind when she sees her emotional blackmail hasn't worked plus less drama for you now that she's decided "we're done then" hopefully you can enjoy a now drama free life for the remainder of your pregnancy

What’s the problem with having another grandad? Surely the more support and love in a child’s life is a good thing?

Only read the first page.

Your not wrong OP, as its your child.

Personally, I have no issue with a grandad being called say "grandad tom" IF that worked for your family.

I think this has more to do with how you feel about him and you lack of relationship with him so I can absolutely see why you feel this way. However, as may have already been pointed out (haven’t read every reply), when it comes down down to it, your DC may choose to call him Grandad, anyway.

But the bottom line here is, you are the parent and that is your wish. Wether they like it or not, and regardless of anyone else’s opinion you are entitled to that. Equally your mum is entitled to her opinion and reaction no matter how ridiculous or over the top you think the reaction is. But it will have repercussions for her and she will have to come to terms with that. He isn’t the Grandad biologically and time will tell if he will take that sort of roll in your DC’s life.

I don’t have anything to with my dad since my mid 20’s. I had my first of 3 DC, a month before my mum met her now husband (10 yrs ago). We have a great relationship and all of my boys call him Grandad, because he is in all but biology. My sisters 3 DC’s call him by his name (D) or Grandad D. That’s what they are happy with (and are all slightly older than my kids). So the dynamics really all depend on how your relationship is with your mums partner, in the main as that will dictate how your kids see things. With zero effort or input on his side, it’s not looking good.

Hope your mum can see why you made this decision OP.

I became a widow at 29 yrs and remarried my now dh3 yrs later. My 3 children asked if they could call him dad and I said if that's what you would like dh had 3 daughters from his first marriage, and have always called by my first name, that's fine they still lived with their mum when they divorced. So, when his eldest daughter had a baby I ( wrongly) assumed I would be "nanny" but was told in no uncertain terms I was to be referred to by my first name. It hurt but no biggy. Fast forward 23yrs still happily married, I am still referred to by my first name from dh gc, but my dh is and always has been known as gransher to all of my 7 wonderful gc. I think it's up to you op but you must be firm and see through with what ever you decide. Your dm is wrong in her attitude and behaviour so stick to your guns yanbu 💐

My kids have a step grandad who is married to my mum in law. He also has a step nan. He calls them both grandad and nan. I can understand why if you've not got a good relationship but kids tend to do that kind of thing anyway. So mine just calls them "Nanny lilac" (my mum likes the colour lilac) and "Grandad Joe"( his names not Joe but he calls them by their first name ) . If your child decides to call them that it wont be the biggest issue I your life. Taming toddler tantrums and a lack of sleep will be lol!

I don't think YABU

If your Mum is willing to miss out on future relationships with you and her grandchild over a "title" then she's not only being unreasonable she's been daft and shortsighted.

It's sad, it's sad for you and in the longer term it could be sad for you child- congratulations by the way.

If you don't want her partner to be called Granddad that really is your choice and as you have a relationship with your Dad your choice is very understandable.

I think she's missing the point that you are willing to have her and her partner in your families future. That's far more important and you are offering that.

I hope you manage to resolve this. There are other titles or just the name and if she is really willing to either miss out or emotionally blackmail you then I think you have to do what you feel is best for you.

Sad that you are in this situation. Good Luck

I understand how you feel OP, I had the same with my Mum when DD1 was born. We compromised on 'Grandad Bob' (not his real name :-) ), my Dad became Grandad and DH's Dad (now deceased) the same. Mum married this chap when DD1 was about 3 but he's kept his grandad/name combo. He's a decent man and my DC's love him.

As an aside, my stepmum opted for a similar name - 'Nana Claire' - leaving Granny/Grandma for the blood relations. DH's mum has also sadly since died and my Mum is quite distant with the dc's, whereas 'Nana Claire' has been consistently brilliant with them. They live a couple of hours away but she phones regularly, sends wee notes and postcards, always remembers what they're doing at school etc. The kids adore her, and the fact she's not their blood Nan doesn't matter a jot.

Your Mum is being a daft bugger - why would she want to wreck your relationship over this? It really should be your choice. And calling someone 'Grandad' does not necessarily a great Grandad make - if her OH wants a good relationship with your baby he shouldn't need any particular title in order to achieve that.

Mine have grandma( my mum) granny X and granny Y for DH’s mum and stepmom.
Is it because you don’t like him? If you don’t, fair enough - stick to your guns and just call him by his first name to your child.
Have a pic of him and chow your child regularly saying his name, this will over-ride your mums efforts to get your child to call him grandpa.
But if you like him, just have grandpa for your dad and grandpa X for other.

Step FIL is called Grandad [name] e.g Grandad John.

I don't think any children should call anyone of the older generation by their first name only, sounds very disrespectful .

As a child I was told just to call my mothers step-father by his first name, as he wasn't actually related to me. Everyone was fine with it...except me. It just didn't feel right. So I called him Grandad Frank. A compromise I decided on myself. The "Grandad" being something of an honorary title, and his first name to distinguish him from my other grandfathers. Something along those lines might be an option for compromise.