I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

Sorry, what I mean is the issue is your mother kicking off, it must be hard for you if this is part of a bigger scheme of kicking off.

Yeah I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that YAB a little U. What harm can it do for your little one to have an extra grandad?? It doesn’t de-value the status of any genetic grandparents after all and I feel for your mum. She must be more than a little hurt at yours and your sister’s joint re-buff of what appears to be a quiet man who she loves and who sounds like he is far from a monster or any particular negative influence on your children.

My partner is referred to by daughter as his first name.. as well he might be seeing as she has a dad and who is a perfectly decent father despite being my ex -husband.. but she has already declared that when she has children (she is 20) then the kids will call my DP “Grandad”. I could tell he was really touched by this.

Seems such a shame to make such a gesture of rejection of the man your mum loves, just because you haven’t got to know each other as well as you might have. Perhaps you could work on that? Life is short and sometimes dreadful things happen and you look back and wish you hadn’t sweated the small stuff so unnecessarily.

Quite simply YANBU. Your mother's partner will not be your Father or your baby's grandfather. You still have your DF and want him involved in child's life. Your DM should accept your wishes.

We have a granstepparent we are quite fond of - known as grandNAME. if you are less fond of him then maybe granNAME?

She's only been with him for 4 years, for goodness sake! I could understand this if your parents split up when you were young and this man then became your step-dad.

As your father is still very much part of your life then he will obviously be Grandad (though what will you call your DH's father?)

I'm not with my DC's father but we are friends and all see each other regularly. I have a partner that I've been with for 12 years. He isn't called grandad, my GC call him by his first name. They then call one Grandad "Grandad" and the other (my ex) "Grandad Bob". They know that Grandad Bob and I were married once and that we are the parents of their mother. They know I now live with my partner. None of this confuses them. My stepdaughter also calls me by my first name as I am not her mother.

I think your DM is being rather petty and mean about this especially to ignore you during your pregnancy. Follow the lead of your sister, get her on your side in this, and don't back down.

Yanbu. I'm in the same vote, there real nan died when I was 14 and they know about there nan and that shes not alive anymore and have told them about her and they have seen pictures. The way I handle it is to just tell my children the truth that she isn't their nan, she's grandads girlfriend, she's only seen them aybe 10 timesl since they were born anyway and they are 6 and 7. They don't call her nan, they never have, they call her granddads girlfriend if they hear her in the background when on the phone. They still try and get them to call her grandma but it doesn't work.

Hmm...
I understand this is your choice to make, but personally I don't have a problem with it. My mum got with her partner when I was pregnant with DS1 15 years ago. I doesn't know him until then, but when DS was born he was very much a part of his life and has called him Grampy from day 1. We now have two DS's who are almost 15, and 11 and they know him as grampy first name. They understand that nanny and grampy are not married and who their biological grandfather is. Not that he ever bothers because he's a twat but that's a different thread altogether. But my mums partner has always been in their life and they've never been confused. My sisters boys call him grampy first name too.

To be honest if they I had agreed to get them to call her nan would have felt like insulting my mums memory, and I knew how badly she wanted grand children.

Tell your mom to call her partner whatever she likes. It's not going to achieve anything, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Wait until the baby arrives. As your child grows up, they will bestow their own names on the people dear to them. From what you've said, his likeliest moniker will be "[who is] that man". If the relationship vastly improves, and your mom's partner chooses to be more involved, a more affectionate name will organically evolve from the child's own motivation. x

MerchantofMenace

He's missed out on love and support that would have been freely given

If you want to freely give love and support you give it, regardless of what you are called by a child.

Your love and support obviously comes with a price tag. So it's not free!

I can see where you are coming from. We told MIL that her husband wouldn’t be grandad. But he’s also banned from the house because he like to hit women and is an alcoholic. DD doesn’t know he exists and I’d like it to stay that way.

Do you like him OP? I’m getting the sense that you don’t. It is up to you who is involved in your child’s life. Your mum’s fury over this is a bit ott. Is she always this controlling?

The price tag is the child’s parents’ acceptance.

Find another ‘special’ name for your mums partner. There are loads in this day and age, that can see him as somebody a bit special but not stepping in your dads toes.

My husband has 2 daughters from his first marriage, both who have children of their own now. I have been in their lives for the past 20 years....but I didn’t feel comfortable having the ‘Nana/Nanny’ title, even though it was offered. I felt that was for their mum (& their partners’ mums).

(I also felt I was way too young for anyone calling me that!!) So we found a ‘special’ alternative. Simple!

Pops, Papa, Paps, Pappy, Grampy, Bamps, ...or his initials....like if his name is John Doe then “JD” or any other nickname/pet name that works with his own first name or surname.

Just use your imagination and then you ‘sell’ as unique to him....and easier for your little ones to differentiate between who’s who!

I think it depends on him and his interaction with the children. My step-dad is purely X to me as he met my mum when I was late 20’s. However, he is Grandpa to my children as he is wonderful with them and has made far more effort than my Dad actually does (although my dad is getting much better as they get older). My children adore him so I’m more than happy for him to be Grandpa. My brother doesn’t want his children to call him Grandpa and that’s equally his choice.

There are plenty of perfectly simple ways around this. My sister and I had 3 sets of grandparents growing up (we are now in our 30s), as my dad's parents had split up before I was born. My granddad's wife is known to us as Nanny Rose. We just called our gran's husband Peter. I really think you and your mum are both WAY overthinking this.

Could he not be called Grandad and his first name and your dad be called just grandad. My dad's wife is just called by her first name but on request if we saw them and mine were little the could call her nanny and her first name.

Your mum is BU in the way she has reacted. However if all is smoothed over and your mum and partner continue to see your nephew and your child, you might find that your children naturally end up calling your mums partner grandad. All depends on the relationship and amount of visits/interaction. My children have a step grandad (MIL’s new husband who she met & married when my husband was in his 20s) - they FaceTime and visit so my kids call him Grandad his name as they do with my dad and my husbands dad. On the other hand when I was growing up we saw my fathers mother once a year (never had much interest in visiting more) and my sister and I have always referred to her as dads mum. We were never directed to name her in anyway and we did the same with my children. We were left to name grandparents as we wanted as a child and my children have done the same. It might end up that this is less of an issue as your child gets older

My cousin's situation is slightly different in that her stepdad and her DF get along and her DM married her stepdad when she was 3 so he's been a part of her life for a long time. My cousin's children call her DM Grandma, her stepdad Pops and her DF Grandpa. Her DPs parents are Nanny and Grandad. Would something like this not work?

Personally, I would back down as that would open the gates to future blackmail but I very much doubt "she's done". If she is then it is her loss xx

YANBU just call by first name , I had a stepmum I never called her mum , just her first name

Im Afraid you are being totally unreasonable, while you’re little bundle is the centre of YOUR universe he is not the centre of everyone’s, your Mum is doing the right thing by putting the man she is in a relationship with first, what does it matter really matter if she refers to the man she loves as Granddad (you don’t mention if they are married?)
I think it sounds like you have never given this man a chance and to e hones you sound a bit like a spoilt child rather than an adult having a child of your own
I refer to my DH as Daddy to my dogs and cats but he clearly isn’t!
Chill out, put things in perspective and remember that your arm and her partner are people too!

TBH I think YABU the relationship your child has with him is not the same relationship you have with him. To the child the man may effectively be their grandad and therefore that’s what they may wish to call him. When I grew up I had three sets of grandparents each with differing identifying names but all that effectively meant grandad. Why not have a Grampy, Grandad and a Pops? For example.

Your mum is probably upset as it seems you don’t take her relationship seriously. He may not have been around for all of your life but he may well be around for all of your child’s.

Is 4 years not long enough to be in a valid relationship nowadays?

My partner became a grandfather for the first time last year, and whilst I'm close to his daughter, and take an active interest in the grandchild, happy to hold him, sing to him, blow raspberries on his cheek, etc, have bought most of the presents we've given him (as I did with my DSD's Christmas/birthday presents over the years!)... I am referred to by my first name in relation to him, and I can't imagine it being anything else, especially seeing as he already has two grandmothers. I don't have children (not by choice, just never happened), so in a way this is my only chance to be a 'grandmother', still wouldn't feel right to be galled by that name for me though.

In my opinion (and yep, it’s only mine and you can’t help but feel the way you feel) it doesn’t matter. My kids have “grandma Suzy and grandma Jackie” and if my parents had split up they’d probably have another “grandma insertnamehere” and “grandad insertnamehere”.
When I met my husband his boys were 8&10 - they called my parents grandma number 5 and gravy. At the end of the day they called them whatever they wanted - and that was the way it was.
Is it possible that you have a slight jealousy of this man - so you feel that this can be the way you can punish it? In the grand scheme of things does it really matter whether your child calls him grandad or not?

Tbh I think you're being petty. My children have a "step-grandparent", she came on the scene when DH and I were both married adults (but before any kids). We're not close to her, but DH's dad adores her and she's perfectly nice to my kids, so it wouldn't occur to me to separate her. It's not like the children would understand the difference. DH's mother chose Nana, the stepmother is Grandma. It's never been a big thing, but I'm certain it pleased DH's dad, which pleased us.

Your father should absolutely have first dibs on 'grandad'. But at the end of the day this man is very important to your mother and regardless of how you view his status, he will play a grandparent role to your son, alongside your mum. From the sounds of it he's a nice enough person who hasn't done anything wrong.
Another nickname to reflect his role in your children's lives seems appropriate. As long as it makes your mum happy, what's the harm?