I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

YANBU
My DP has 5 grandchildren, they call me Maverick. I love them dearly but I am not their grandparent. They already have a full complement of those.

my sister and I have made decisions about not having our children call him Granddad after four years (three for my sister) of him rejecting our efforts to welcome him into the family - his actions caused reactions, not the other way around. His coldness towards us led to these decisions - he did not stop making an effort after my sister said she didn’t want him to be referred to as granddad, he never made an effort to begin with

This is exactly what you should be telling your mum when you next speak to her.
If she continues with her histrionics, ask her partner in front of her if he is bothered.
If he says no - great.
If he says yes - repeat the above.

What is your sister going to do if her dc starts calling the guy grandad?
It will be blatantly obvious at that point that your mum was behind it all.
Be careful going forward though, because if she's manipulating your nephew against his mothers wishes then she'll do the same with yours whenever she gets the opportunity, of which there will be many as your dc grows older.

I aggre with @DisplayPurposesOnly. Children can have lots of grandparents. It doesn't diminish the role of anyone else. My son had three granddads including his nan's second husband. I barely had a relationship with any of my sons granddads (including my own father). But it's not about me, it's about my sons relationship with them. You are being too controlling.

I am a stepmother and hope that, when my stepkids eventually have their own children, they might call me Nanna or NannaSteelRiver. Nanna isnt used much around this area so it wouldn't clash with their mother being Grandma.

I can understand your mother's point of view but I know that it's not my place to make any demands,
nor is it hers . Your mother is being unreasonable.

Well, it’s up to you, but I had 5 grandmas when I was little, each distinguished by Grandma Becky, Grandma Smith, Grandma Jones, Grandma Millie and Grandma Lucy. Two were actually great-grandparents and one was a step-grandparent.
I knew who was my mum’s mum and my dad’s mum. Same for my grandads.
It was all the aunties that confused me. I only worked out who was who when all the great-great-aunties and great-aunties were no more.
So grandparent was directly above me in the family tree and auntie was sideways and up, but even them some were just friends, and got given family titles because they been around so long they were ‘part of the family’.

@AngelasAshes He is only the mother's boyfriend. So no, he is not 'family'. And if you had been reading this site for any length of time, you'd know that quite often, blood relatives are toxic and just because you are blood-related doesn't a family make. You seem quite naive and unable to understand that not everyone has a cookie cutter family like you appear to have.

I do think the marital status makes a big difference. He is not OP's stepdad, because he and OP's mother are not even married. Not even engaged, let alone married. He is simply the mother's boyfriend. That's all. You don't normally call the boyfriend/girlfriend of someone grandma/granddad.

He is simply her mum's current boyfriend. Not family.

My DH has a Dad and a Stepdad. My DS can't talk yet but we plan for them to be Grandad and Grandad John

It's not weird to me though because I had a Step-Grandad growing up and he was always just Grandad

I do think the marital status makes a big difference. He is not OP's stepdad, because he and OP's mother are not even married. Not even engaged, let alone married

I disagree. My mother's husband will never be my stepfather, simply because I was in my 40s when they got married. He is my mother's husband.

They weren't married when my niece was born, but were in an established relationship. To my niece he is grandad (along with her biological granddads). 'Family' is where you find it; it goes beyond legal and biological definitions.

I THInk closeness the family is key here.

It should be about the children, if you give some one the title you should be sure they will live up to it. All indications are this man won’t.

Op’s Mum doesn’t seem to care about the children at all - pretending g this man is their grandparent then setting them up for the disappointment when he doesn’t act like it,

She doesn't expect you to call him Dad, so why he would be Grandad I have no idea.
I find her "we are done" commenting unnecessary and controlling. Your relationship with her is already strained. I hope that your comment about your niece means you are close to your sister and I hope that your fiancé's family are close.
If you want to, perhaps think of a different title, maybe Pop or similar, to give him status but not Grandad. Or if you don't, don't. He has no relationship with you so it's not an automatic entitlement.
I can't get over the fact your mum would emotionally blackmail you during a time period you would naturally reach out to her for help and support. You don't need to be blackmailed or controlled. Unfortunately your strained relationship may be about to get more distant, but whatever happens, it's got to be on your terms.
All the best with your pregnancy. I hope that otherwise, this is a happy and stress free time for you

Over the last 8 years, I have time and again had to remind myself to back off because I don't have the right DNA to be involved. He's missed out on love and support that would have been freely given. It has also affected my DH's relationship with his GS, although we both love him dearly. So I agree with AngelaAshes, you are being unnecessarily cruel and unwelcoming to your mother's partner and it's not surprising he is having difficulty relating to you, your sister and her child.

So because you haven’t got a grandparent’s title, you can’t - or won’t - show him love and support? THAT is unnecessarily cruel; as is letting it affect your husband’s relationship with his grandson. If you’re old enough to be a grandmother, you’re way too old for such petulant behaviour.

That’s not what she’s saying @Stillcoughingandlaughing. When a stepchild won’t allow you a familial title it’s a clear message that they don’t consider you part of their family. If you’re not part of the family, you can’t behave as if you are. A boundary has been drawn by the stepdaughter and it’s being respected. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.

Angels ashes. I think adoption is totally different to this thread. When-a child is adopted they become a fully fledged family member, no different to a biological child.

However when an adult marries into a family they do not automatically become mummy to step children, or granny to step grandchildren. Those titles may come with time in the right circumstances if everyone is happy.

But an adopted child and a marrying in adult (or boyfriend or girlfriend) are completely different situations.

What @StillCoughingandLaughing said: great comment.

As to the response: When a stepchild won’t allow you a familial title it’s a clear message that they don’t consider you part of their family

I don't agree with this at all. A given name is far from an insult: it's a courtesy (incidentally one my MiL does not extend to me). Her husband is a top bloke, and we gel with him much better despite the fact that MiL has the grandparent title. The fact that we/DC call him Rick doesn't in any sense lessen the value of that relationship.

This is an effort to exert control and impose a relationship whose foundations are wobbly to start with. IMO this shouldn't be encouraged. It's the child's wellbeing that matters here, not the sensitivities of adults who are old enough to know better.

So a cousin, for example, isn’t family because they’re addressed by their first name rather than as ‘Cousin Kate’? Why is a special title necessary? And why does someone have to be officially ‘ranked’ as family via a title to show love and support? I have friends to whom I’m much closer than some of my family members - we can show each other love and support without needing special titles.

It has nothing to do with courtesy and everything to do with how the family into which you’ve married views you. Not allowing your children to call a partner a name indicative of a grandparent makes a very clear statement that they’re not perceived to be part of the family. And they will naturally behave accordingly.

I think YABVU.

Your mums life has not worked out as she planned. This is a new stage and she wants to be accepted as "grandparents" with her partner.

My DC have 8 grandparents. They all choose their own grandparent names. I would not dream to dictate the definitions of their relationship with their grandchildren. Grandchildren are a new relationship to be cherished and celebrated. Be inclusive.

My Dad married someone who has children and grandchildren, they all refer him by his first name, we don't have a problem with it.

Wow, so your mums partner has been with her 4 years and maybe just maybe he feels nervous around 2 grown adult daughters who don’t want him to be seen as grandad. I wonder why he hasn’t made an effort???

I mean why not go with a different name like Grampy or pop. It’s what we do with my step in law. Proper grandads are grandads, step are known as something slightly different to help the child more than anything.

Plus if your child decides to call him grandad re you going to correct and moan about that too?

I’m sure she’d be devastated if my dad’s partner wanted to be ‘Nana’.

Then offer that as the compromise. Say that you feel it's important to be fair, so if that really matters to her then fine, but your stepmum and stepfather will be treated identically and each will be given the titles, or neither - happy for her to choose which she prefers.

I'm very sorry you are having this with your mother. As it isn't from left field, I can only imagine the back story is painful, and I would ask that you reflect on why you're so sure she will be any better to your child, as they grow up. My grandmother was vile to my mother all her life, and when I was small I was the apple of her eye... and the rage when I had the temerity to actually grow up was proportionate. If I were able to go back, I know my Mum would have chosen differently and not allowed as much contact as she did, because selfish people do not become less so with the years.

I can see both sides.

My mum had a boyfriend when I was married. My son called him Gangan. He had my real father as granddad. But ultimately it was the relationship. Years on, my son is 32, his daughters also now use granddad. It was never about marriage. It was about the role.

We use Gruncle (great uncle) first name for my MiL’s partner. It seemed important to have a family name but Grandad was already taken by MiL’s ex and to have used it twice would have been very difficult.

I was like this when I had my first DC, didn't want my step father to be grandad because my kids are lucky enough to still have both their grandfathers and my mum had only recently remarried, so for a while he was just his name.

However, many years on I know that I was a bit harsh and he's been known as grandpa XXXX for sometime. But he's been as involved, if not more, in my Dcs' lives as my DF and FIL

But I didn't have my mother kicking off about it.

My dd calls my mums husband Grandpa and my dad Grandad. Shortened to grandy most of the time, but my brothers children call my mums partner by his first name. I know it really upsets him, but then my dd has been a much bigger part of her life, and I didn't even give it a second thought to be honest. My mum would have been heartbroken if I didn't accept him in that way and so would he, but every family is different and you can only go by how comfortable you feel and how big a part of your ds's life he will be. If he will be a grandfather figure, then you may be being a little unreasonable, but either way it's still your decision to make and you mum will have to accept that.