Friend has accused me of being a snob

[HiveBehind]

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

It doesn't sound at all like th friend is jealous. The OP says that she is a recent move in, down from town type, so chances are she can afford similar. More just that the friend recognises more that not all do.

And fuck me, I went to public school with a lot of very, very engaged and privileged families. Some of the shit we they got up to makes having a drink in the park look quite tame tbh.

Many groups like brownies and guides etc do subsidised /free subs to help those who can't afford it. And there is usually 2nd hand uniform. I'm not saying this to berate any one but please ask. It's the reason I donate to their fundraising and chip in extra or volunteer where I can, we run thriving groups in our local very deprived area and a lot of the parents can't contribute even the small amount needed for subs so we find ways to pay it for them. This was the case even when I was young too.

And yes, I was a straight As, did sports and music and volunteering kind of student. Lived in a huge house in a well connected village. Had lovely friends. We got up to some terrible stuff! My parents had no idea!
It's a phase most teenagers go through and most of them turn into decent human beings eventually! People smugly posting that their teenagers don't do these things might just be as stupendously naive as my parents....

How old is your daughter OP?

Tbh sports clubs, art clubs and libraries are really not what most teenagers want to do.
Maybe at 13 but not so much at 16 and 17.

I sat in the park with my friends drinking and hanging about because there wasn't anywhere else for us to go and we did not want to pay sport or go to art club. No I didn't vandalise anything which is wrong but I still wandered the streets. And I grew up in a middle class family with lots of opportunities.

My dc have grown up in a middle class (ish) home in a very good area they go to grammar school and we have a high income household, we still had issues with alcohol and drugs and all sorts of other things you don't even imagine when the dc are young.

Easy to think when your children are 12, 13 or 14 that you've cracked it and your dc will never do any of these things. But then comes 15, 16,17.... don't judge because you never know what your child will do and when they get to a certain age you cannot control what they do when they leave the house.

How many dc do you have OP? Because one child might be just fine with no issues. Then you have child number 2, or number 3...

However, 'check your privilege' is a stupid thing to say.
But I do think you are a bit snobby and also smug and this has come across to your friend.
Don't be smug, your dd doesn't do anything now but she will in the future.

Are her kids some of the trouble makers?

The only people I ever hear excuse boredom as a reason for discussing anti social behaviour and it being others fault are those who's kids are anti social!

My friend (who I have distanced myself from!) says the same about hers and she wishes she could afford to send her dcs to a club like ds does!
She did! Plus many others but they don't stick at them. Plus her kids get per weekend between the 2 of them the same as it costs for my ds to do activity for whole month - including competitions.

I don't know if you are a snob but she has raised valid points.
Austerity is crippling our poorest - it's not simply a case of getting a little job to support a child's hobby - you will lose that money through the benefit system unless you work cash in hand.
The working poor are relying on food banks and simply don't have any spare cash.
Then there is cuts to youth centres, mental health services, education etc etc, etc.
Austerity bites and even effects nice areas eventually...

You're angry and upset - this person was rude to you in your own home. But I'd ignore her. She's envious. Maybe she's not happy, regretting the move, etc.? Who knows?

Carry on doing what you can for your DC. I know not every family does this (sadly) but it will have a huge impact on their future to have these opportunities and your support.

And yes … I happen to agree with you re: the hanging out. It's one thing to just hang out with your friends, chatting, laughing, etc (I used to do it as did my adult daughters as does my teen stepdaughter) but it's another thing to hang out, create mess and nuisance, and damage property which so many of them seem to do these days. Where I live we have this issue. A lovely large playing field used by local clubs as well as runners, dog walkers, families and yet groups of teens and young adults are constantly spoiling it for others by leaving broken glass, rubbish, drug paraphernalia, etc. Eventually it will be locked during the evening and then they'll moan that they've nowhere to go!

Your comment wasn't so much snobby as a real boring old fart thing to say. Teenagers hung out in parks in my day and I'm 43. I didn't, but others did.

I would let it blow over unless she says something else then call her out on it.

Sounds like there’s plenty to do... and even if there wasn’t it’s no excuse to mess up your local area/environment. Your ‘friend’ wouldn’t be a friend of mine for much longer...

Irritates me when people opt out of parenting by saying, "but there's nothing to do for teenagers!"
Absolute bollocks. There are more opportunities and things to do for young people than ever before. You think things are boring today? Go back in time to a Sunday in the mid 70s if you want to know about lack of things provided to do.

Envy can turn people into unlikeable beings.

Privilege doesn’t necessarily mean money. It is the privilege of having opportunity.

Some have parents who will move heaven and earth for their children take on job after job and spend every last penny they have on them and others have parents who don’t have the time or inclination to involve themselves in their child’s life or to discipline them in what is right and what is wrong in life.

Sadly the way of the world.

Teenagers gotta hang out somewhere. When you say 'petty vandalism' do you mean not picking up their empties? I think you are being a little judgy about the teenagers, who are exactly as self absorbed as teenagers have always been, are under a lot of pressure at school, and don't have anywhere else to go besides parks where they can escape the prying eyes of parents and other adults and socialize. I think your friend went too far in calling you a snob and assuming you were privileged, but I also think you were implying a criticism of the parents of those teenagers that is unfair. When your kids are teens you will be glad for them to go out and socialise in person, even in parks, instead of sitting in their room staring at their phones.

I am with you OP. This person was rude to you, and in your home too. She clearly has some issue or chip on her shoulder. Do not think about it any more - its not you, its her. I would not invite her over again, in fact if she does not apologise I would drop her.

You are being a parent. It is nothing to do with money or even violin lessons but with making sure children are steered away from trouble. Present parents. It takes time and work. Not money. That's why we have so many children around drinking or taking drugs independent of how rich their parents are.

“Easy to think when your children are 12, 13 or 14 that you've cracked it and your dc will never do any of these things. But then comes 15, 16,17.... don't judge because you never know what your child will do and when they get to a certain age you cannot control what they do when they leave the house.“

Most sensible post on this thread.

She is not a friend.
Would you ever say this to a friend?
Value yourself more.

I don't understand this idea that any youth who misbehaves does so because they're "bored". I felt bored when I was young, sometimes, and I didn't have any expensive hobbies or club memberships. My parents wouldn't have accepted boredom as excuse for bad behaviour-- rightly so!

And yes, I believe that when a (NT) young person has a behavioural problem, it usually boils down to either poor/inadequate parenting or the fact that (surprise!) some people are simply prone to bad behaviour, no matter their age. That might be judgy, but so what? Doesn't mean it's not true.

Both wrong. You shouldn’t be judging the children in your town, you don’t know the ins and outs of what is going on with them either neurologically or at home, why compare children you don’t know to yourself and in a story in which you shine a better light on yourself. My parents sent me to private school and gave me all i could ever want, i never needed to bored but I would hang around with my friends terrorising people on buses, graffitiing, getting hammered in the park. I was being sexually abused my someone who worked for my parents. And i only felt better when i was creating destruction. Maybe stop sitting around judging children

You mate sounds like a snotty cow ...you might come across as snobby to some and SO WHAT? is it bad to have certain standards? My husband calls me a snob because I won’t do certain things. It’s just a choice but in his eyes I’m snobby. Yeh ok. If I’m a snob great, I have standards. Your snobs not my snob lol ...so for your mate to call you a snob...don’t be offended. Be who you are. !!! waves hand WHATEVERRRR........Any real ‘friend’ would just except what you are/
.do/say. She is no friend.

Yup - the problems hers not yours

I don't think she's envious as she's chosen her own way to live, she just disagreed with you, and was wrong.
When we see the parents turning up to collect their kids after Police have rounded them up for anti social behaviour, there are lots of expensive cars, non turn up in old heaps. It's the kids of mc who have the money to buy drugs and alcohol.
One girl sat across the road from my house waving her knickers in the air. The parents tried to argue it wasn't her, but there was a street of witnesses. Oh you should have seen their faces, so comes from all sorts.

Sorry not rtft but I don't take being a snob as a insult. Be proud you want more for your child.