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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I should get all of husband's death in service benefit?

215 replies

ILoveSleep123 · 09/08/2019 17:01

NC in case of outing

DH received some pension info through the post today, and it said he needs to nominate someone or several people to receive a 'death in service' benefit if he should die (around £80k)

Hopefully he won't any time soon but obviously you need to think about these things. But I'm shocked to hear him say he's considering adding his brother as a beneficiary for 50%. BIL is in his 20s, spends money like water, no sense of responsibility, and is set to inherit a decent sum from his parents anyway.

Me and DH have a mortgage together, No children yet, but AIBU to think I should inherit everything from my husband should something happen to him? We've been together almost a decade if that means anything.

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/08/2019 20:57

(Of course your husband is free to leave his brother a legacy in his will, if he wants to)

ReasonedCamper · 09/08/2019 20:57

ItWasALovelyDream
Even my parent ‘s generation had left ‘obey’ out of the vows as default.

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 21:02

I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger...

deleteandrewind · 09/08/2019 21:09

Got in missbattenberg. I didn't read the 'not' in your first sentence. Sorry!

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2019 21:16

If I would lose the house if he died I would be very upset with this.
I'd be downsizing to a home I could afford alone with this attitude.
This absolutely. No ttc, and I’d say while I’m sure having to sell the house would make it much easier to get over you, I’d rather do that to my own timetable so let’s sell it and find somewhere I can afford. I can’t consider having children until I know I can provide for them so we will have to wait.

MondayAlready1 · 09/08/2019 21:20

I wouldn't be happy with this and I certainly wouldn't have children with him if this was the arrangement.

Deanetta · 09/08/2019 21:25

I would be annoyed about this.. if you have a mortgage together I think it would be right to give you the major share, if not all.

This has taken me back to an argument I had with my husband, about 6 months before the wedding. We had just bought our first house together and I was making my will, leaving everything to him. He suddenly decided that the fair thing to do would be to give his (millionaire) father a cash gift of £60,000, to repay him for the gift he gave him to buy his first house 10 years previously. My husband’s assets, other than the house, total about £4,000. So basically if he died I would have to sell the house to give his dad his share. Needless to say this did not go down well with me and I threatened to cancel the wedding!

Joey7t8 · 09/08/2019 21:28

Talk about her down sizing now to avoid losing the house if he did die is all a bit dramatic. I don’t know how big the mortgage is, but surely with the OP earning, that 40K would provide sufficient top up for 2-3 years.

Fair enough if you have children to support, but otherwise the money is his to leave to the loved ones that he wants to leave it to.

magpiecounter · 09/08/2019 21:29

If your mortgage is a joint one does his share automatically become yours? Ours does but my friends husband has it in his will that if he does his share of the house goes to his adult so. (From a former relationship).

Butterbeeeen · 09/08/2019 21:29

I am only entitled to 10% of my DP death in service with 40% going to each of our Dc and a further 10% going to my son from a previous relationship. I am fine with this but if he added other family members I would be a bit miffed.

missbattenburg · 09/08/2019 22:21

Why should his death mean she should be mortgage free

This is so bloody depressing. And about as cold hearted a statement as I've read on here in a long time.

Maybe because losing a husband must be an incredibly traumatic event and so any safety net he can provide that makes it less likely she'll lose her home as well seems like a pragmatic thing to do. Ditto losing a wife.

Maybe because they bought the house together and so are duty bound to do everything they can to help the other person if they cannot keep up their end of the bargain.

£80k is unlikely to leave anyone mortgage free and able to go part time for the rest of their days.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 23:12

£80k is unlikely to leave anyone mortgage free and able to go part time for the rest of their days

Yes, but it might be enough to pay part of the mortgage off and then refinance the balance for a lower monthly payment that OP can afford on her own.

JingsMahBucket · 09/08/2019 23:22

All the people saying that £40,000 or £80,000 should be fine to pay off or pay down the mortgage and the OP is being grabby or unrealistic: we don’t know what their mortgage is or the amounts if their salaries or other debts!

There’s also the cost of the funeral to take care off and then payouts don’t happen immediately either.

It’s absurd to speculate. Here’s a crazy idea: why don’t you just trust what the OP says when she wrote there would be no way for her to afford their house on just her salary alone?? She’s the one with all that information and data, not you/us. All the weird projecting and lack of logic is useless.

Andysbestadventure · 09/08/2019 23:57

No Ttc. Downsize. Put your foot down. You are his life partner. His Brother is not his responsibility.

Riv · 10/08/2019 00:17

Just because youre married doesn't entitle the other person to ALL your worldly goods
Seem to remember a bit in the marriage service each partner promises the other “all my worldly goods”.

Riv · 10/08/2019 00:24

Oops sorry, seems I missed a whole page of the thread before I posted.

Osirus · 10/08/2019 00:36

Most death in service payments aren’t classed as part of the estate so aren’t included in figures for iht so giving it away for tax purposes is unnecessary.

You’re correct. But, a payout could make the surviving spouse’s potential estate soar over the IHT limit. Hence giving it away takes it away from their estate and therefore won’t be taxed for IHT.

Malvinaa81 · 10/08/2019 00:38

He could leave his brother money in his will rather than the death benefit?

Or would you object to that too?

Would you also get a survivor's pension only due to a spouse that the brother could never get hold of, or is there only the death in service money if your husband dies while in work?

It seems unwarranted to nominate some of the death in service money to the brother.

Some pensions only treat the nomination as guidance and you could challenge it (due to the children, and your other circumstances)- though this would be while experiencing the bereavement, so not that pleasant or easy.

Best to discuss it all with him, find out his reasons and put your case.

Osirus · 10/08/2019 00:41

OP, my DH is wanting to do the same but with his Will. He actually said he was going to leave it all to his brother, as his brother would “take care of me.” We also have a child!!

I was pretty devastated to hear this. His brother hates me, and he would be receiving half of my home in the event of DH’s death.

I could make no sense of it whatsoever. We’ve since battled it out and my DH has now decided not to do this.

We’ve not made our wills yet but as we don’t have wills, I (and possibly child) will receive it under the intestacy rules.

Who knows though; he could have made a secret will.

Thankfully, I work in this area of law and would challenge it to the bitter end. I was actually considering taking out a further life insurance policy to benefit our child just in case he does decide to follow this line of stupidity.

Osirus · 10/08/2019 00:44

Oh, in his Will before we got married my DH had left everything to his brother, including his share of our home (tenants in common).

I told him I was going to make a Will leaving my share to Cats Protection, so he’d have to battle them in the event that I died. I didn’t get round to it, but I was deadly serious.

RainbowMum11 · 10/08/2019 01:01

Before we had children, I split my DIS benefit between H and DSis (for my nieces).
I still kept DSis in for a smaller % once I had DC, and less for X but he has his own access to family £ which would never have been extended to me.
My pension was also split between H & DC.
Now I'm divorced, all my pension, house etc will go to DC but still a proportion of my DIS will go to my DSis for my DN.

Sashkin · 10/08/2019 01:19

Why should his death mean she should be mortgage free

Yes, these bloody grieving widows, into the workhouse with them!

I am assuming you have never been widowed. My DM was, leaving her with a devastated seven year old and ten year old to suddenly bring up on her own. Adding homelessness into the mix would have been unimaginable. And to do this to OP so his brother can have a holiday? Awful of him. So uncaring. I can only imagine OP’s DH hasn’t thought it through and just thinks it’s a financial bonanza for everyone - if he realises the implications he’s a dick and you should seriously consider leaving him.

BanditoShipman · 10/08/2019 01:21

Mine is about £600,000 and left to my dad. I’ve done it this way as my partner and I have been together 13 years and have a 9 year old but I also have a 14 year old from my marriage. This way if I pop off my dad will make sure my partner and both children are looked after. I’m 99.9% certain my partner would treat both children equally anyway but you never know what could happen in the future if he got married or something. But leaving to a sinking rather than spouse is weird

Pinkout · 10/08/2019 01:22

I’d be furious if my DH did this, his sister is hugely irresponsible at the best of times and the money would not be well spent.

The money should most definitely be yours, you will be the widow left to pay the mortgage and bills in your home after all.

TwistyTop · 10/08/2019 01:30

You have every right to be miffed about this. I don't agree that you not having DC yet makes this OK. How would his brother be financially impacted if he died? Unless you've missed out some very important info about him having DC with a previous partner then the only person who would be financially impacted by his death is you. You should get all of it. End of story. I have always listed DH as my death in service person, to receive 100% of the money, ever since we moved in together (which was 2 years before we got married). It doesn't really make any sense to have anyone else on there, unless you have DC who don't live with you, or a vulnerable relative who relies on you financially.

I agree with others that this would make me think twice about trying to conceive.

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