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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should get all of husband's death in service benefit?

215 replies

ILoveSleep123 · 09/08/2019 17:01

NC in case of outing

DH received some pension info through the post today, and it said he needs to nominate someone or several people to receive a 'death in service' benefit if he should die (around £80k)

Hopefully he won't any time soon but obviously you need to think about these things. But I'm shocked to hear him say he's considering adding his brother as a beneficiary for 50%. BIL is in his 20s, spends money like water, no sense of responsibility, and is set to inherit a decent sum from his parents anyway.

Me and DH have a mortgage together, No children yet, but AIBU to think I should inherit everything from my husband should something happen to him? We've been together almost a decade if that means anything.

OP posts:
Millie2017 · 09/08/2019 17:41

It’s not a huge sum that should say.

HotChocolateLover · 09/08/2019 17:44

@ILoveSleep123 I have quite bad epilepsy and I got life insurance that will pay out on the mortgage if I pop my clogs. I’m sure your husband can find someone to cover him.

Breathlessness · 09/08/2019 17:46

You can absolutely leave £40k to your brother. If you leave your spouse with a huge debt and the certainty of losing their home and leave £40k to your brother it makes you thoughtless at best.

MirzyMoo · 09/08/2019 17:53

You sound extremely entitled @ILoveSleep123

Your DH can nominate who ever he wants.

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 17:55

It’s his money, so his choice. Some people actually love their siblings.
OP has a good income, £40k will pay the mortgage for several years. I think it’s just being greedy to demand all £80k.

PettyContractor · 09/08/2019 17:55

I think some people have got the wrong end of the legal stick. A death in service benefit is paid to whoever the trustees of his pension scheme deem should have it, what he nominates is just an expression of wishes. So it it doesn't require lots of paperwork to change the beneficiaries later. A spouse could appeal to the trustees to override the expressed wishes to leave to someone else, though I've no idea how likely that is to work. I guess maybe if there was a child who didn't exist when the last nomination was made they might take that into account.

Kaykay06 · 09/08/2019 17:56

Hardly think it’s entitled, if the money she did get would pay her mortgage off and pay any debt/funeral costs or the brother could help her with those costs then he could do that no problem. Or he could get specialist life insurance so his wife and potential kids are covered if anything happens to him.

Clearly he’s not going to change his mind but make sure yours is going elsewhere same for your life insurance why should he benefit fully if you don’t

MummytoCSJH · 09/08/2019 17:57

I think it's ridiculous, it should go 100% to you. You are married ffs!

SabineSchmetterling · 09/08/2019 17:58

DP and I have no children but do have a house and mortgage together. My death in service benefits are divided 70% to DP and 15% to each of my sisters, who are not as well off as we are. DP would be able to pay off my share of the mortgage with what he got.
You need to talk to him. Has he thought it through properly? Does he realise that you wouldn’t be able to afford to keep the house without him?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/08/2019 17:59

As with a will there is no right to expect anything.

I think it's completely normal and understandable to be the sole beneficiary of your spouse's death in service benefit actually! They're married, they're supposed to be a team, what's his is hers and vice versa. I would be really hurt in OP's shoes.

takemetomars · 09/08/2019 18:00

Yep, weird.

If my husband went through with something like that I would leave him

ColaFreezePop · 09/08/2019 18:00

OP I think your DH is hedging his bets in case you split up.

Talk to him but don't badger him and go through all policies you have together like that.

If he still won't change his mind when you are pregnant go through it again.

HavelockVetinari · 09/08/2019 18:02

@LLapT0p962 er, because she'd lose her home if her DH died otherwise! Hmm

OP, your DH is being very unfair and odd here. Is BIL somehow dependent on handouts from his brother? Would he lose his home or similar if your DH wasn't around?

Her0utdoors · 09/08/2019 18:05

Luckily with a death in service policy for his pension it is down to the panel of the pension company to decide who to pay the sum too, he can express his wishes (which are shit BTW) but ultimately its down to the panel to decide who his dependants are.

Jaxhog · 09/08/2019 18:05

Too damned right you should! I would be deeply offended if my DH did this. Or even suggested it as an option.

Emmapeeler · 09/08/2019 18:09

I agree - weird. I’d be v pissed off. Leaving it to you covers future children for starters. And even if you don’t have kids, you have a house/life together based on joint finances.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 09/08/2019 18:09

Another vote for YANBU. My DH's death in service benefit would go 100% to me should the unthinkable happen. If he left half to his (also kind of feckless) brother, I'd be furious. Not because I'm entitled and greedy, but because we have made long term decisions and plans together financially e.g. mortgage that I wouldn't be able to fulfill without him. Agree with other posters, it's really odd.

BloomingHydrangea · 09/08/2019 18:10

My dH has a nasty cancer

We have had to look at this closely in the last 6 months. I am not the beneficiary of his death in service as it isn’t tax efficient. It is going to our adult children.

You need tax planning and to look st the whole estate including pensions rather than focus on death in service.

HeadintheiClouds · 09/08/2019 18:10

In the light of having no life insurance it’s irredeemably crap. It would make me reconsider the marriage. In fact if he wouldn’t budge from this position I’d consider it over.
Not just because of the actual dosh, but the lack of respect I’d feel.

Readytogogogo · 09/08/2019 18:11

I think YANBU. Have you discussed whether he will remove his brother if you do have children?

HeadintheiClouds · 09/08/2019 18:11

Going directly to your children is slightly different, Blooming
Flowers

missbattenburg · 09/08/2019 18:12

You really bloody do not sound entitled OP. You sound like someone who would be in the shit if their DH were to die and leave you with a debt hanging over your home that you cannot pay.

My mother lives with me (her ill health) and even I have left her the house and total life insurance to cover the mortgage so she would not be out of a home.

That has meant other family members get a lot less. I've had that conversation with them to explain why and to get their buy in so there is no dispute to worry about.

It's (to me) the sensible and practicle thing to do - to make life as easy as possible for those grieving for me.

A share of £300k is not going to make grief any easier for my brother as he is self sufficient. It will make life a lot easier for my mum as she wouldn't lose her daughter AND her home at the same time.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 18:16

Yes, as others have sanctimoniously pointed out, he CAN choose to give his death-in-service money to someone other than you. That doesn't mean that he SHOULD.

When I was single, I nominated my family to get my death in service benefits. When I moved in with my DP, I switched the nomination over to him because the whole point of the benefit is to provide for a partner, spouse or child who might be dependent on your income, rather than giving a non-dependent a windfall.

fairynick · 09/08/2019 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 09/08/2019 18:19

@fairynick

Have you read any of the previous posts and explanations??

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