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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this rape?

148 replies

OoohMasala · 08/08/2019 23:53

Referring to my ex.

I was half asleep. He pushed up behind me. I said no I'm not in the mood. He still continued to put his penis half way inside me. I moved away. He did it again and said 'come on we can just have a quickie'. I pulled away and said no, I don't want to. He continued to pester. Put his hands in my pants and we ended up having sex. I just went along with it. For reference, he was emotionally abusive and I was scared of him.

Weirdly, I forgot about this incident and only just remembered it and it's making me feel a bit sick when I look back at it.

Rape seems too strong a word. But I only left him a few months ago, still not over the abuse and very confused...

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 08/08/2019 23:55

You said no, he continued - if a friend described the situation as happening to them what would you call it?

RebornFlame · 08/08/2019 23:59

I can understand why you’re questioning it. It sounds like a shitty situation whatever you want to call it. I understand rape being a big word. I’ve had and have a lot of sex I’m not really up for and get nagged into (long term relationship with a high sex drive partner) but I’d struggle to call it rape and in my situation I believe it isn’t. Only you know what it felt like to you.

mother2one18 · 08/08/2019 23:59

Horrible as it is to admit, yes it was. Soon as u say no that is final and if it carries on after that word have been said then it is rape / sexual abuse. Making you feel like you can't say no is abuse.

Original poster
OoohMasala · 08/08/2019 23:59

I would probably say it was rape, but when thinking about it myself, it didn't feel like rape, it just felt weird.

OP posts:
mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:02

There is a difference between not really feeling up to sex, getting pestered then going alright then, this woman said no. I do not want to. And he then carried on. Continued pestering in other words pressuring and eventually ended up having sex which may be because op u were scared of what mood he would be in if you didn't. I hope ur ok

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:02

I didn't want to have sex with him. I only let him carry on because I was scared of him. I was pregnant at the time. He had told me how he wasn't attracted to pregnant women and he had previously told me I need to buy bio oil as I was getting stretch marks. He hated my boobs. I didn't feel like I could stop, but felt uncomfortable and disgusting. Like he was forcing himself to have sex with me even though the found me hideous. I had morning sickness but was 6+ months pregnant. But I hardly fought him off. I'm really confused

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/08/2019 00:05

Don't blame yourself for not fighting him off - you said no!

Yes you were raped, have you got any support? There are some great charities out there that may be able to talk to you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/08/2019 00:05

You didn’t need to fight him off. Your lack of consent makes it rape. Arsehole. Do you still have contact with him?

mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:07

You didn't want to have sex with him and you don't need any other explanation than that , when a woman says no, I don't want to, or no stop, that is enough for a man to understand you do not want to have sex or to be touched and that should be respected. But it wasn't and the word no wasn't clearly enough for him to leave you alone despite saying it more than once. As you say you felt pressured to have sex which is emotional abuse as he was abusive , just because you then had sex doesn't mean you willing wanted it and gave permission, you felt like you didn't have any other choice , which is still rape , anything that goes beyond the words NO I DONT WANT TO is sexual abuse // rape

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:08

He's father of my 9 month old son sadly. I'm really upset. I've posted on MN a few times before. Don't want to out myself. I've just started a new account. We are going through court. I don't even think I will mention this. It'll look made up as it was never acknowledged before. How did I forget an incident like this? I'm in touch with women's aid. I did have a DV worker but moved area and need a new one.

OP posts:
mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:10

I think you'd find it difficult to ever forget something like that tbh but you can get support to help you with the situation

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:12

I don't think I even thought about it after it happened. And don't know why I suddenly feel so disturbed by it.

OP posts:
mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:16

when you leave a toxic relationship// abusive partner you may start to realise and see that what you thought was acceptable during the time together, in reality it wasn't
but that person // the way they controlled or made you feel during the relationship , made you feel like it was

wishuponarainbow · 09/08/2019 00:17

Please, please get support. I've had a very similar situation-a number of years after the event my past has caught up with me. I recognise I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and was sexually assaulted during my marriage. I can't bear to use the 'r' word but I was. Currently getting counselling and support and wish I had years ago. Feel free to PM me. You can face and get through this. Stay strong.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/08/2019 00:17

Sometimes our brains block things out or we don't realise it until later. I've known this happen a few times with different people including myself.

Something happened to me as a child and I didn't register in my brain that it was wrong until I was 20.

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:18

Yes, there are a lot of things I'm realising. This one makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I'm so ashamed to think I just let him do that, and many other things to me.

OP posts:
mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:19

Don't feel ashamed. People can be very manipulating in ways you wouldn't recognise when your in love with someone, non of this is your fault💐💐

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:25

Even now I am scared to mention this to anyone in RL as if it got back to my ex I believe he would do something awful to me.

OP posts:
mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:27

Please don't get back with him. He is a horrible person by the sounds of it. You deserve better

mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:28

Sorry I read that wrong!

mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:28

Can you get a restraining order against him? If you think he is dangerous?

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:29

Oh I won't. I have an injunction against him. He's contesting it. Dragging me through court. Trying to access access to our baby. Thankfully CAFCASS have said no access. He's done this to a woman before (not rape as far as I am aware but domestic abuse).

OP posts:
Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:29

I have a non molestation order

OP posts:
mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:31

Keep him away. Well done for taking those actions against him.

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:32

Thanks @wishuponarainbow - not sure I want to chat just yet but I may PM you in future. Think I'm going to to try and talk to women's aid again tomorrow.

OP posts: