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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this rape?

148 replies

OoohMasala · 08/08/2019 23:53

Referring to my ex.

I was half asleep. He pushed up behind me. I said no I'm not in the mood. He still continued to put his penis half way inside me. I moved away. He did it again and said 'come on we can just have a quickie'. I pulled away and said no, I don't want to. He continued to pester. Put his hands in my pants and we ended up having sex. I just went along with it. For reference, he was emotionally abusive and I was scared of him.

Weirdly, I forgot about this incident and only just remembered it and it's making me feel a bit sick when I look back at it.

Rape seems too strong a word. But I only left him a few months ago, still not over the abuse and very confused...

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 09/08/2019 00:37

When you say you just went along with it, was it because you say you weren’t in the mood and you thought, may as well shut him up and get it out of the way or did you go along with it because you were forced?

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:39

I went along with it because if I didn't I knew he would be in a bad mood the next day and his bad moods were scary. But no he didn't force me physically

OP posts:
Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:41

There was a significant amount of coercive control happening in the background. Would be impossible that explain in a few posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:42

Venus Tiger do you think maybe it wasn't rape? I wasn't physically forced. I could have technically got up and walked away but i didn't

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 09/08/2019 00:44

Okay, I understand. I was just trying to see it from both sides really.
When my DS was a baby and I was always tired at bedtime, my DH would try it on and I’d say I’m not in the mood, but then after some initiation from him, I’d then think, oh alright then.
But if this was not mutual then it’s wrong of course.
Would he have stopped pestering you if you had not gone on to have sex?
Most couples don’t ask if they can have sex, they usually mutually start to initiate things physically- if you said no though, then you should seek some advice as you have every right to say no and it should be respected.
Hope you’re okay OP Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 00:49

Yes, it was rape. It gets all muddled up in our heads when it's our husband/partner. We think our husbands/partners couldn't possibly rape us, they're not 'like that'. Or we fear their reaction. We feel that 'just giving in' means we consent. It's not consent. It's coercion.

You are not alone. I'm sure there's a rape survivors network where you live. I suggest you contact them, they may have counselors or a support group that may help you.

When I was married to my ex, marital rape didn't exist as a crime. Your husband forced you to have sex over your objections? Sorry ma'am, that's not a crime, nothing we can do. Next time don't say no. You're his wife after all.

mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 00:53

Yes, it was rape. It gets all muddled up in our heads when it's our husband/partner. We think our husbands/partners couldn't possibly rape us, they're not 'like that'. Or we fear their reaction. We feel that 'just giving in' means we consent. It's not consent. It's coercion.

This 👍🏻

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 00:54

Do I need to report this? I'm still not convinced. I feel really weird thinking about it it makes my toes curl and I feel nauseous and fight or flighty. No point reporting is there? Going to call women's aid. So angry that I'm all screwed up because of him

OP posts:
Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 01:00

I need sleep. I guess I'll come back to this thread tomorrow to read and see how I feel. I can't describe how odd it is thinking about what happened.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 09/08/2019 01:21

I do think it’s important that you speak to a professional whatever you decide OP as you don’t want this hanging over you. Nor do you want the anger manifesting into something else like guilt.
You’ve done nothing wrong and you probably feel angry now (rather more than before) because he’s your ex now.
Get it off your chest with a pro and have them advise you.

PumpkinP · 09/08/2019 01:30

You don’t have to report it if you don’t want to its totally your choice. My ex use to do this to me whilst I was asleep, it was only when I came on MN I realised it was classed as rape, it feels wrong but like you I don’t feel I was raped. I wouldn’t personally report it, but it’s up to you.

ItsMilkAndEggsBitch · 09/08/2019 01:37

I had a similar situation many years ago with my then boyfriend.

I was too frightened/worn down at the time so like you I just gave up and let it happen. I still struggle to deal with it now but knowing what it was and that it wasn't my fault for jut letting it.

There are lots of amazing women's centres and charities that are good for these things. Sadly it's more common than you think.

Sending big hugs and a giant bottle of wine x

Sunflowers11 · 09/08/2019 01:49

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Italiangreyhound · 09/08/2019 02:11

OP you have said yourself you were scared of him, you have also conjectured that " I could have technically got up and walked away but i didn't" but I wonder if that is completely true. Do you know he would have allowed you to stop him? He sounds like a horrible person and I really think you should seek professional help.

I'm so sorry for you, this sounds awful.

Thanks
Fuzzywig · 09/08/2019 02:18

I am guessing this happened about a year ago so maybe something in your subconscious has triggered you to remember something you didn’t want to remember.

Women’s Aid is a good place to start. Have you seen/heard of the freedom programme? It might be worth looking into. Can your GP refer you for counselling?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/08/2019 02:34

I'm so sorry. You were raped. Rape is having sex with someone against their consent which includes wearing them down so much they give in, or going ahead to keep the peace. I'm sorry this happened to you a d he shouldn't get away with it.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 02:45

Sunflowers She 'let him carry on' because she was afraid of him. She had already told him no. NO MEANS NO. And if your partner carries on after you have said no, then that's rape.

Look at it this way, if a stranger holds you by the throat and says "Don't fight me or I will hurt you" and you don't fight out of fear and he rapes you, according to you that's not rape because 'you let him carry on'. The days of requiring a victim to 'fight back' in order for it to be considered rape are as dead as the dodo.

jellycatspyjamas · 09/08/2019 05:14

If you went along with it I would say no it is not rape, because in your own words you " let him carry on"

What about the part where she said “no” and he penetrated her anyway? The vast majority of rape doesn’t involve someone being physically held down and forced, she went along with it after clearly saying “no” more than once. Given the coercive control in the relationship, going along with what he wanted is likely to be a well established survival mechanism, she didn’t say she changed her mind and thought “oh ho on then”, she said she was scared not to.

Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 05:21

This is why it is so confusing and I guess I didn't take it seriously, because some people, as demonstrated on this thread think that rape has to involve physical abuse in the form of a struggle or fight. This is probably why so many people do not even recognise this as rape.

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 09/08/2019 05:27

This is exactly why so many people don’t think it’s rape. If you look up “trauma and fawn response”, you might find some information that helps you understand your reaction to him. Pete Walker has some easy to understand explanations - he looks at it in respect of childhood abuse, but the same mechanism is at play in domestic abuse.

In terms of reporting or telling anyone, that’s entirely your choice. Regardless of whether you report to the police, or tell Womens Aid, regardless of whether folk believe you or not what he did was very wrong and you deserve kindness, care and support.

mother2one18 · 09/08/2019 05:32

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Yeahnahmum · 09/08/2019 05:33

Rape.

Absolutely

I am super sorry to hear op

Lalala89 · 09/08/2019 05:37

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Original poster
OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 05:47

going along with it because you thought it was the easier option - that is such a huge simplification and almost a similar attitude to what my abusive ex has. "I didn't physically hurt you therefore I didn't hurt you at all"

I'm genuinely sorry you went through what you did. It sounds truly awful. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I still don't like the way you used your experience to minimise mine though. It shows a real lack of understanding of coercive control which is just as serious, in my opinion as physical abuse.

OP posts:
Mileysmiley · 09/08/2019 05:54

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