Was this rape?

[OoohMasala]

Referring to my ex.

I was half asleep. He pushed up behind me. I said no I'm not in the mood. He still continued to put his penis half way inside me. I moved away. He did it again and said 'come on we can just have a quickie'. I pulled away and said no, I don't want to. He continued to pester. Put his hands in my pants and we ended up having sex. I just went along with it. For reference, he was emotionally abusive and I was scared of him.

Weirdly, I forgot about this incident and only just remembered it and it's making me feel a bit sick when I look back at it.

Rape seems too strong a word. But I only left him a few months ago, still not over the abuse and very confused...

I don't understand how saying no more than once and pulling away more than once and saying 'i dont want to' is giving a mixed message, unless that's normal in relationships and that I should've physically stood up and walked away, which may have resulted in me getting the silent treatment, or him punching things and making my life hell. Maybe I can't expect people to understand the complexity of it?

There definitely won't be an 'in future'

It gets all muddled up when it is a partner, some people still think rape is like how its painted on TV screaming no and fighting. That's NOT the case. Many women do not even whisper a word, fear takes over them. So to say you didn't fight back or say no means it wasn't rape, is just not correct.

I would class it as rape, you pushed him away at first. THAT SHOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH. That's when he should have stopped his advances.

Is there anywhere I can phone to get clarity around what happened? Will women's aid be able to clarify what it was? Thus thread has confused me a bit. And I was confused already

It's no wonder though that young boys don't understand what is and isn't rape when fully grown adults don't either. The difference of opinion on this thread demonstrates that. And yes me included as I had to ask.

@OoohMasala
I think it wasn't rape ... I think you need to discuss what happened with him and tell him how you feel because I don't think he realised what he was doing and he might be devasted by what you are accusing him of.

@mileysmiley I have a non-mol against him and he's not allowed to see his son as he's such a high risk to him. The courts and CAFCASS agree. He abused me for three years and would be now if he wasn't at risk of going to prison for it. He won't be devastated. Trust me.

I don't understand how saying no more than once and pulling away more than once and saying 'i dont want to' is giving a mixed message,

That's because isn't OP. Womens aid will tell you the same.

Because it isn't giving mixed messages*

Op You are right about being concerned about what people class as rape as demonstrated on this thread.

How odd to now be in a position where I don't know if I was or wasn't raped. I feel traumatised by our whole relationship and I am used to questioning myself. I used to think I was insane. I am going to try and seek some clarity from a professional because I'm even more confused now. They should teach this stuff routinely in schools

I think this might be worth a look for you OP. Regardless of what it would be classed as, I think we can all agree, he's a bastard

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion

Eldrida

Wearing you down by asking for sex again and again or making you feel bad, guilty, or obligated

He would always do this. Asked me over, and over. He told me that he was 'drying up' and would make me feel guilty that we hadn't had sex for weeks on end (I was pregnant and not very well). He would make sarcastic comments about it and would even say that it would be good exercise for me.

Telling you that not having sex will hurt your relationship

Yep. He would go on about how it's not normal to not have sex for a week and that our relationship wouldn't end up being a good one if the sex wasn't there. He even said 'dont let us be one of those couples who has sex only occasionally, that's not fun for anyone'

Making promises to reward you for sex

Yep he used to bribe me. 'I will cook you dinner if you have sex with me', 'I'll clean the house if you have sex with me/give me a blow job' but would never ever do it. I actually have in once because I was so heavily pregnant and the house was disgusting as I couldn't clean. He didn't clean it but he still got his way. I actually ended up paying for a cleaner out of my personal money.

God I hate him so much.

Thanks @elfridaetal

No I don't think it was rape because you were sending mixed messages. You need to push him away and say a firm NO in future

What complete and utter bullshit mileysmiley!! Sorry you disagree but the OP was raped and the law would agree with her.

This is the Metropolitan Police's definition of rape...

Rape is when a person intentionally penetrates another's vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person's consent.

Oh and for the sheer idiots spouting crap about mixed messages and not pushing him off. Also from the Met Police website....

Not all cases of sexual assault involve violence, cause physical injury or leave visible marks. Sexual assault can cause severe distress, emotional harm and injuries which can't be seen – all of which can take a long time to recover from. This is why we use the term 'assault', and treat reports just as seriously as those of violent, physical attacks.

Oh and on the matter of consent this is what they say....

Consent
What separates sex, or a gesture of affection, from sexual assault? It's a matter of consent. That is, both people agreeing to what's happening by choice, and having the freedom and ability to make that choice.

OP said No and pushed him away. She clearly refused consent!!

OP here is some more info from there website I think it's important for you to see.

Common myths about rape
It's widely thought that in most cases of rape, the offender is a stranger. The truth is the majority of people who commit rape know their victims and, in some cases, are relatives, friends or work colleagues.

Rape within marriage and relationships can also occur. Remember, sex is about consent. If your partner or husband has forced you into having sex with them, this is rape. We treat this as seriously as any other rape or sexual assault.

You are not to blame
Sometimes people are afraid to speak to the police because they were voluntarily taking drugs or drinking alcohol before the offence happened. Sometimes they have little or no recollection of what has happened. They may have a criminal record, and worry that the authorities won't treat them fairly. They might be worried that no one will believe them.

Finally my lovely OP you were raped, your experiences sound horrific. I'm so sorry some idiotic posters are minimizing your situation. Please get some help even if it's just talking it through to process your thoughts and feelings.

Thank you hopefulmama - for taking me seriously too. I'm in a weird place. I almost wish I never even remembered thus. Weird what someone said about it being a year ago. I was 6 months of pregnant and my son just turned 9 months old. It's almost exactly a year. I feel really sick and anxious thinking about it. I'm completely broken

I'm glad you have those safeguards.

I think what your ex did was rape but in other ways I do agree with, and certainly understand what this poster said:
RebornFlame
I can understand why you’re questioning it. It sounds like a shitty situation whatever you want to call it. I understand rape being a big word. I’ve had and have a lot of sex I’m not really up for and get nagged into (long term relationship with a high sex drive partner) but I’d struggle to call it rape and in my situation I believe it isn’t. Only you know what it felt like to you.
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Dear OohMasala, you have a lot going for you. I hope you can move on from this.
All the very best to you.

Rachel how can you tell me you think it is rape, but then agree with someone who says they struggle to call it rape?

I'm not sure what's worse, the posters saying it wasn't rape because OP didn't fight back or wasn't firm enough when OP clearly says she said no multiple times and pushed him away. Or the poster suggesting speaking to him about what he done, and he might be devastated when again OP states he was emotionally abusive and she was scared of him.

Seriously. Anyway OP whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for you, I know how horrible the realisation of what happened can be.

Because I understand the struggle: you are struggling with the same thing but more so, we're just on the periphery. There are many of us who have experienced the same and not dealt with it at all, you are trying to.

I honestly don't know what you are going to do about it and would not attempt to advise.

You take care.

@OoohMasala

I didn't know that ... in that case report him to the police

It was rape. Don’t listen to people like @Mileysmiley who say he may be devastated. Who gives a crap about his feelings. He’s devoid of genuine ones.

As for your reaction, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Apart from fight flight or freeze, there is also flop and friend. You flopped by the sound of it, other times you have friended.

No one can tell you what to do in your ds’s case with regard to reporting or not. I hope you get classification and find a way forward when you’ve spoken to woman’s aid.

I’m so sorry, OP. I think part of the problem is we are fed (by the media) that rape is the stereotypical violent assault we often see depicted on TV and in film. It’s frequently as you described, unfortunately. Performed by someone you think cares about you, in a horrible, coercive, manipulative manner. This is why you feel so confused.

You said no, and he persisted. And he never should should have continued.

Please find some support.

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to ring women's aid. Pp who said she has 'actually been raped' implying that I haven't makes me feel stupid for even considering this was an assault on me. Going to ring them soon

I can't honestly say but I think when you say you went along with it . I think you were pressured into doing something you didn't want to but consented to it .

If you said no and he continued, it is rape.

It does not need to be a violent struggle, many women freeze when faced with rape.

In light of what you have told us, get some legal advice especially if you have children. Speak to womens aid. I am sorry this has happened to you op, and very relieved to read you are now separated and have orders in place.