to Ask your terrible advice from the 1990’s - early 2000s

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Aibu to ask you to cast your mind back and give the advice you would have in the late 90’s

Here’s mine...

Want to lose weight? Eat what you want during the week and take recreational drugs at the weekend, it’s like the 5:2

Have frizzy hair! Not to worry, some John Frieda, and iron, and a brown paper bag will sort it.

Worried your dp has been faffing you around and cheating? If he says @you were on a break” all is ok

Agreed - clubbing and festivals were great for weight loss. Tough on the old jaw muscles though.

For men - you can’t wear jeans and trainers to a club so just wear your black school/work trousers and shoes with a shiny oversized shirt.

Borrow someone’s paper only driving licence to use as ID (this used to work!)

Spend most of the week watching Neighbours, Home and Away, Eastenders, Corrie and especially Hollyoaks.

@carmel - or just a nhs card thing - remember them?

Oh yeah. My snake hips of late 90s/early 00s were 100% courtesy of MDMA. A strawberry yazoo and a bag of Wotsit waffles the following afternoon and back out again for 10pm.
Olive oil on the skin for a tan (😱😱😱😱 I'M FUCKING GINGER WTAF WAS I THINKING).
Pink snake skin thong over the top of your low rise flares is a GOOD thing.
As are blue snake skin cowboy boots.
All teamed with a little red biker jacket with silver zips.

I used to have my hair ironed on the ironing board 🤣

I remember being told sugar wasn't calories, all sugar did was rot your teeth or gurning

Losing weight made your boobs look bigger as they would stick out more

Sun in is SO good for your hair, helping you have as much fun as every other blonde (with snapping, straw like hair)

The higher the platform, the wider the flares, the cooler you are. No-one needs intact ankles, right?

“Gained a couple of extra children then car seats? It’s fine sit them on other passengers laps or take the parcel shelf out and sit them in the boot and tell them to duck if they see a police car”

Could have just been my family but I remember being in the boot several times (seemed exciting at the time) if we met cousins etc out and wanted to go back to the other house etc.

Eating carbs was healthy because they fill you up.
7 stone was the normal weight. (Even anorexic I was 7.12)
Size 14 was plus size

This doesn't resemble the '90s/early 00s I lived through, it sounds more like the 1970s.

In my universe by that time we had hair straighteners, an awareness of skin cancer and the importance of a balanced diet, and the only person who said 'we were on a break' was Ross in Friends, but everyone thought he was an assbutt.

“Gained a couple of extra children then car seats? It’s fine sit them on other passengers laps or take the parcel shelf out and sit them in the boot and tell them to duck if they see a police car”

Car seats were a thing in the late 80s. Where the hell where you all living?!

I remember someone in 1996 recommending 'The S-plan diet' to me - i.e. take speed to lose weight.

I passed ...

Want a tan? Rub sunflower oil all over you and lie on a bed of tinfoil on your best mates garage roof (it was closer to the sun than the garden)
Want to get stoned? Smoke banana skins.

Want to lose weight? Pasta, the new miracle food....late nineties all everyone went on about was bloody pasta.
But not creamy sauce pasta, that makes you fat. There was always the cereal diet to fall back on.
I miss the days when we didn’t actually Know that 2tsps of cornflakes was the serving size...

Do you have thin lips? Why not outline them with a dark plum lip liner then use pink lipstick in the middle.

I knew about skin cancer. But at 19 that wasn't eveeerrr going to happen to me

Running out of phone memory? Delete some of your SMSs as you can only store 10.

Txt spk to sv £ so mgs r shrt.
Vowels were so overrated ;-)

Want blonde hair? Don’t spend cash on dye, let your Mum put Jif lemon in your hair and sit in the sun instead. Voila, your very own highlights!

Want sexy lips? Use a brown lip liner and a nude lipstick. Pammy eat your heart out.

Worried about binge drinking causing weight gain at fat club? Drink so much you’re sick and the calories don’t count any more. (Weight Watchers when I was a student )

We often rode in the boot of the car in the 80's or as you say, say on laps of cousins or anyone really. By car seats I assume pp meant seats of the car not children's car seats.

Another hair ironer and cooking oil sunbather here too!

Here’s mine :

Too much time on your hands ?
Amuse yourself by twisting your hair into lots of mini buns- hours of fun!

And (I know this is shameful)
Run out of fags? A Rizla and an empty out of the fag -buts in the ashtray will solve that problem!

Low waist jeans?just wear a pretty thong to peek out over the top but if you end up with thrush there is cream for that
Tiny handbag?no room for your lipstick AND your house keys?just shove it all in your combat pockets
Dewberry perfume is the bees bollocks
Ditto frizz ease-if your hair looks greasy don’t worry-it’s the look
Short skirt and a boob tube?yeah why not?show it all off
Heroin chic is a thing-be a size 4 and look like you’ve not had a bath for 6 weeks
Heather shimmer is the best lippie for everyone-suits nobody
So is hide the blemish by rimmel
Platform boots make all the boys fancy you
And when you carry your school rucksack set yourself up for a lifetime of pain by only using one strap over your shoulder

Body Shop vanilla 'perfume' is the height of sophistication and won't make you smell like a bakery, oh no.

Best layered with lashings of Impulse body spray in a totally conflicting (and equally eye-wateringly strong) fragrance.

Get your eyebrows as thin as possible. If necessary, shave those bad boys off and draw them on with eyeliner.

Brown lipstick and white eyeshadow will make you look classy
And for curly hair, straighteners you had to put water into to get them to heat up (oh and heat up they did!)
White musk perfume from the body shop to make you smell sophisticated and not at all like cat wee.

Blue mascara!

Rimmel lipstick- Heather Shimmer