to Ask your terrible advice from the 1990’s - early 2000s

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Aibu to ask you to cast your mind back and give the advice you would have in the late 90’s

Here’s mine...

Want to lose weight? Eat what you want during the week and take recreational drugs at the weekend, it’s like the 5:2

Have frizzy hair! Not to worry, some John Frieda, and iron, and a brown paper bag will sort it.

Worried your dp has been faffing you around and cheating? If he says @you were on a break” all is ok

Oh god, and learn to live through the shame of having to hand out the house phone number to guys who, when drunk, seemed like a perfect person to possibly date. They never were and I refused to answer the house phone so my parents had to deal with that shit.

Need a quick tan after knocking back a full bottle of Shiraz at home before hitting the nightclub (to dance to All Saints and Britney Spears)?
Just put a sock on your hand and cover yourself with mucky Sun Shimmer... And pray nobody splashes you with a drink and it doesn't rain or you'll look like you have a weird skin condition.

@dontfluffthefluffer surely he family mobile was a one to one that had free nighttime calls

You don't need much money for a 2 week holiday in Kavos. Marlborough Lights at duty free, a bag of crisps for lunch and then 3 for 1 cocktails all night will get you through!

@dontfluffthefluffer on the other hand - I remember sadly waiting indoors for guy I really like to call me... he didn’t

Oh and ephedrine capsules were fab for weight loss and easy to get on t'net. Shame your colleagues couldn't get a word in edgeways all day tho!

@MyKingdomForACaramel it was a fabulous BT contraption that was connected to the house phone and the costs were so high that no one was allowed to actually call anyone using it unless death was imminent.

Would have been easier using polystyrene cups and string!

When buying wonder bras always buy a size down!
I had great tits but couldn't breathe and a very attractive red mark around my chest!

Cover yourself in glitter for a night out and continually drink alcopops in a variety of sweet sweet flavours and colours until you can't stand up

True @StinkyWizleteets. 1999 I think was the last year we did that. Then it was off for a year and then the next year they brought in the superfence. End of an era that was. Nobody believes me now because of the narrative that fence jumpers= criminals but actually there was quite the cameraderie in finding and sharing wood etc to make the leap. It was an intrinsic part of the experience!

I refused to answer the house phone

A better solution - get your modem plugged in and get on the internet. It'll keep your landline engaged for the three hours it takes to download a single page from this new world wide inter web whatsit. Peeeeep murblemurble peeep ...

Remove all stray hairs from eyebrow area - by stray hairs I mean all. Leave only ~ ~

Ahh back when "Rimmel" was not "Rimmel London"

I remember temping and everyone feeling sorry for me because I was so ill. Late in the day I confessed to a few people it was self-inflicted from going to the pub the night before. God I use to go to the pub a lot in the 90s to early 00. Then out to a club or four on Friday and Saturday nights.

@ScreamingValenta or go to try and call someone and realise someone else was using the line for the internet and being deafened by the screeching both from the noise of the internet and the screams that you'd cut off the other person who had almost finished looking at a minuscule picture that had taken 17 minutes to load up 🤣

I'm loving this thread so much.

I remember those wonder bras that had the little drawstring in the middle to go from day at work to HELLO TITS TOUCHING CHIN.

Diamonte (sp?) jewel superglued onto your front tooth. Body glitter in the bottle that looked like roll on deodorant. Hair mascara to give yourself highlights when your ma wouldn't let you permanently dye your hair. No one was allowed to use the phone if someone was on the Internet.

Lol no one will never now understand the phrase “get off the internet I’m trying to use the phone”

I had black cherry and heather.

And those pieces of paper with powder on that you used to blot your oily skin with. Can’t remember the name.

But mostly I was very thin due to ecstasy and a only eating toast and drinking Stella.

Ah I miss the dancing.,, for days...

dontfluffthefluffer But at least you can use your new cordless phone, with its nifty aerial and satisfying chunky brick-like aesthetic, and interesting crackly sounds when you get too far away from the base unit.

Papier poudre! @watchingthyme

I remember using one in a club and one of the cool people said to me "oh that's a really good idea". I felt like I'd arrived!

Sun In... Spray in your hair and then dry with a hair dryer and there you go bright orange highlights ...

Boots natural collection make up

Dark lip liner pale lipstick. Bow Bangles ear rings. Naf Naf coats.. Benetton Bags... Tammy Girl clothes..
Love beads wound up your arm..
Lumber Jack shirts with black vests underneath..
Channeling Angela from My so called Life..

@Fuma

OMG that’s it!! I was so oily. I loved it.

Shimmery bell bottom trousers from warehouse and a top with only one arm. I mean I was hot as fuck! I needed no bra 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Don't forget your handy BT phone card if you're going to be out and about. And remember you'll need to add an extra '1' into the area code after 1995, unless you live in London, where you might still be reeling from disappointment if you were allocated an 081 code at the start of the decade.

Fuck wearing a coat when you go out clubbing. That thin strappy dress will be perfectly adequate when you spill out onto a cold wintry street at 2am.

Happy days 😊

Maximise your binge drinking affordability by hitting up a Bladder Burst night at the local dive club. Yeah, sure, its Tuesday night but £8 on the door and all off-brand drinks free can't be sniffed at.

£15 is more than enough for a night out. Off-brand blue WKD for £1 a bottle and 3-for-2, Carlsberg for £1 a pint, and shots 10 for a fiver, £2 for a pizza to take home, and £1 each to chip in for the taxi that will have to do seven separate drop offs. If anyone feels sick make them hang their head out of the window and half-close it so they can't pull it back in because if your sick inside the taxi its £50 for a valet but if you're sick on the outside it's only £3 for a car wash.

Urban Decay lipstick in a tube shaped like a shotgun shell, I wore a shade with the lovely name of 'Gash'. I had brown matte Max Factor lipstick in a thin navy tube too, Lipfinity(?). And a mascara with two wands, one was for white fibres to make your lashes longer then the other was black mascara to clump it all together.

When the fashion for matte lips.wore off it was all about lipgloss. So much lipgloss. Unsure if you're wearing enough? Best apply another layer. Ideally you should be claggy enough to stick to everyone and everything you encounter.

I was too scared to do the speed diet so I did the pasta diet instead which is no breakfast and no lunch then dinner is a bowl of pasta with a spoonful of mayonnaise mixed into it. Pasta is good to eat before drinking, lines the stomach. Ditto milk. If you've got no pasta just have a glass of milk instead.

A trouser suit is essential workwear, especially if teamed with an open necked fitted white shirt that and a Wonderbra.