to Ask your terrible advice from the 1990’s - early 2000s

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Aibu to ask you to cast your mind back and give the advice you would have in the late 90’s

Here’s mine...

Want to lose weight? Eat what you want during the week and take recreational drugs at the weekend, it’s like the 5:2

Have frizzy hair! Not to worry, some John Frieda, and iron, and a brown paper bag will sort it.

Worried your dp has been faffing you around and cheating? If he says @you were on a break” all is ok

I remember travelling in the boot of the car (bonus if there were dogs in there too), on my nan’s lap (with seatbelt), in the back of my mate’s dad’s work van (no seats), another mate’s dad’s pickup truck (complete with sanitary ware - he was a plumber), once in the front footwell of the car, and also habitually on the wheel arch of a tractor 😱 - this was 90s Cornwall

Yep I meant seats of the car not child seats, 90’s London. Also remember travelling in the back of an Uncles work van with several other family members on the way to a big family celebration.

80s and 90s rather than the early 2000s, but SPF factor 6 being deemed sufficient for a fortnight in the Mediterranean.

@elasticfantastic don't forget coffee shimmer too!

The poppers on your new body top will never, ever ping open so the crotch works its way up to dangle over the bum of your stonewashed jeans, oh no ...

Def rimmel heather shimmer lipstick! And either dewberry perfume or bodyshop white musk. Also fond of a bit of constance carroll make up from the market, cafe au lait avon lipstick too. Looked like a corpse.

The sunflower oil tanning trick I remember well. I am Scottish. I am pasty as fuck. I tried this, in California, in July. 13 years on I still have a scar from it.

Oh and dream Matte mouse that made everyone look like they had scales

Dream matte mousse. LOTS of it. Either no powder, or far too much powder.
Who the fuck needs eyebrows.
Thick black eyeliner on the waterline + spidery lashes.
Blush? Pfft.
Concealer lips.
And don't forget the hair, straightened to within an inch of its life.

Clear mascara and lipstick in a shade almost as pale as your skin! Team it with a frilly blouse that comes ready crinkled like it's just been through a 2000 rpm spin, an equally distressed looking skirt and a pair of scuffed DMs and you won't look a bit like a tramp, or get mistaken for the rubbish, darling. (Pass the Bolly).

So Kiss me and TommyGirl and CKone being the fragrance of choice. I actually still don't mind CKone but it's of an era.

Yes to the lemon juice highlights

Once you got the internet you could sign in and out of MSN messenger to announce your presence to the room. The better the song lyrics in your name, the more chance you have of getting your crush to fancy you back.

Want to lose weight? Eat what you want during the week and take recreational drugs at the weekend, it’s like the 5:2

Have frizzy hair! Not to worry, some John Frieda, and iron, and a brown paper bag will sort it.

Both of these worked really well for me throughout the 90s. I’m sure they changed the formulation of John Frieda in about 2006 and it stopped working.

However ‘If you don’t fill in your National Record of Achievement book no employer will ever give you a job’ was a shite one.

Don't blend your eyeshadow, it must match an item of clothing and make sure you highlight that brow bone with a nice dash of sparkly silver eyeshadow

Don't forgot your glitter, wack that bad boy everywhere.

I think you are all forgetting the lovely jewelled thongs, yep I need a pendant just above my arse crack - lovely!

Trousers with a skirt, I was a style icon clearly!
Hair mascara - as I very dark brunette why did I ever think that would show up?!

Butterfly clips - why?!

Teenagers today don't know how bad we had it, I swear 90% of them have a better style at 15 than I do now at 31!

Pretty sure Rimmel Heather Lipstick was early 70s, not 2-000s

I still have a heather shimmer lippy

@ArabellaDoreenFig LOL we actually had a name for that - butt rolling! (Imaginatively enough.)

Get caught by a ticket inspector while doing the thumb over date trick on the tube? Just give them a false address. (This was my version of economising so I could spend more money on drugs.)

Yy to the speed diet. Tbf it did work. I mean, I was thin.

Can't afford a ticket to Glastonbury? Get in a bin (empty) in your mate's catering van.

Want to impress the boys with your musical knowledge? Say "I liked their early stuff." About everyone.

@thenightsky I was a teenager of the 90s it was still in fashion. And more alarmingly - it’s still sold- my (74 year old) mom bought it last week!

Bathe, wear and take out an extra supply of fuzzy peach from the body shop. You'll smell so classy.

Needing to work in customer facing roles for long periods of time? Just keep a handy stash of speed and Es in your bra.

Wear a wonder bra under and crochet top with low low low rise cord flares. Take a velvet blazer in case it's chilly on the way home.

Hair pins, don't worry if your scalp is bleeding, your multiple space bun/twists encased in glitter spray look just perfect.

Ooh who remembers the bus pass trick. It was like a scratch card... you must put another on top of it

@Fuma until mid 90s you just had to climb over the shit fence at Glastonbury.

Oh and tbf - the speed diet also resulted in a very clean house

Oh and don't forget to take the "family mobile phone" out with you that never fitted in your tiny tiny handbag (mid 90's - we had a family mobile with a SIM card the size of a credit card).

Make sure you memorise every single phone number you've ever heard just in case you need to call people drunkenly from a phone box.

Never mind Heather Shimmer - Black Cherry was the real biz!

How to avoid getting a disciplinary for taking yet another Monday morning sickie: just go home at six, have shower and a lucozade then go straight to work and camp out in the disabled toilet for a bit when The Fear hits mid afternoon. They'll never, ever suss you.

Super noodles a great pre-alcopop stomach liner.