don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

[NannaNoodleman]

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

• this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
• they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
• I wasn't asking them to come back.
• I thought they were here to see us.
• my house is not a b&b.
• my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

AND... regardless of all these different opinions about whether kids should stay up late and if cooking for guests makes you a martyr etc... the reaction is excessive!

They are all leaving today to travel to sibling's country and they'll spend the next 2 or 3 weeks there (until schools go back).

My parents get treated quite poorly by sibling. Lots of arguing with any opinion they express and making it clear that my parents do everything wrong. My parents travel to do lots of childcare for them and get no thanks.

My mother has long term mental health difficulties and I think sibling has residual anger from our childhood. Parents always did their best by us and some of the stuff sibling recalls is just standard 80s parenting.

The result of this is that I feel I have to be very gentle with parents. However, they've never raised their voices to me before and never ignored me.

I understand their tolerance is low and anxiety is high but taking it out on me is unacceptable.

Hooray hooray they're leaving today! You're nearly done riding it out OP & can heave a huge sigh of relief when they're gone!!!

A bit of a side step from your OP, but just interested to know where sibling lives that makes sandwiches an unacceptable lunch??? Btw you weren't BU

I was hoping this was you, OP

I hope you will celebrate tonight! 🎊🎉🎈🎇

I hope they leave early so that you can have a nice chilled day with your children and husband.

The result of this is that I feel I have to be very gentle with parents. However, they've never raised their voices to me before and never ignored me.

It sounds as if they’re placating your bully sibling as they can’t stand up to him.

If they’re going to stay with them they may want to keep sibling onside. Maybe they just can’t face the arguments.

Dear Op, I hope they have left by now and you can have relaxing quiet day. I really respect your patience and your sensible mind. You are not driven by your high emotions like your sibling. You go trough your emotions and regulate them really well.
Your sibling is very emotional person and never learned to how to regulate them. I am sure he/she has lots of problem with other people too.
I felt like you really wanted to prove how much you care for them while this visit. But they are too blind, selfish to see that. Sounds like your sibling only care about his/hers emotions as they are too much to control for him. Doesn’t matter what you did for cause the problem no one is perfect but their reaction is so childishly selfish. They need to grow up a bit more.
In that situation you were not %100 right but you did your best. Most of the time you were loving caring and understanding.
Well done to stay calm and stopped further bad unnecessary arguments.
But I think you need to speak your parents about your sibling and tell them what your plans for the future. They should also see they can not mess around you as well.
Big hugs

"If they’re going to stay with them they may want to keep sibling onside."

That "courtesy" doesn't apply to Op though?

So they've now got 2/3 weeks together so the "lost" hr or so when Op wanted her kids back really didn't matter at all.

Is it that they see much less of this sibling than Op & so they are treated like the prodigal son?

OP did your DH talk to your dad.

My parents get treated quite poorly by sibling... but taking it out on me is unacceptable

Again, sounds like my situation. My mum is VERY conservative, so when she found out that my sibling was not just sharing a flat with their boyfriend but sleeping with him my mother was devastated. I don't know how much she said to sibling, but I do know that I got lectures about how sex before marriage isn't nice. As a 12 year old who had no interest in sex at the time it was not something I needed to hear, let alone repeatedly. But she couldn't really say it to sibling, so she said it to me instead.

She is scared of sibling, though. I've said for years that the difference between us is that if you were to upset sibling enough she'd murder you, and believe themselves to be completely in the right, as you'd asked for it. Upset me enough and I'd kill myself, as obviously what you're saying is the truth, I'm worthless and deserve to die. Obviously that's an extreme example, but it does illustrate how we differ.

Have they gone yet? Pour yourself a large glass of something when they do, and toast the fact that they'll never set foot in your house again. And stick to it!

If they’re going to stay with them they may want to keep sibling onside.

That "courtesy" doesn't apply to Op though?

You’d think. But OP is a nice person, she’s not a bully. So they don’t have to worry about offending her the way they do with sibling.

They’re obviously quite dominated by this sibling. And too unassertive to stand up to them.

They've gone. I don't feel much relief yet, I just feel like crying.

As they were leaving my daughter just kept asking to go back to bed (she hasn't napped in the day for about 6 months). I asked her if she could stay up to wave them off and she said no and went up the stairs to bed.

My dad hugged me on the way out and whispered "I'm really sorry". It's nice to have an apology but it says it all that it had to be whispered.

Their children have been chasing and trying to hit my cats the entire time. We've discouraged it but sibling & spouse just let them. This morning one of the children trapped one my my cats behind a chair and got scratched.

My very gentle, placid, tolerant cat has now been labelled as aggressive... just to add to the insults!

My parents know I love and care for them unconditionally. I think with that knowledge they feel more comfortable acting up towards me... it's the way it goes.

@H2OH20Everywhere you've said exactly how I feel. It's an extreme example but so very true.

Parents definitely see me more regularly but I think they spend more time with sibling. They do a lot of childcare in the holidays... I sort my own childcare

I understand your dad whispered this considering what you have said about family dynamics. Please take some comfort from his words and see them for what they are. It sounds like it has been difficult for your parents as well as you. Just as you didn't want to have a massive argument neither did they. Please be kind to yourself. Your anger will hurt you more than them. It is over now and you need to mend how you are feeling. Family gatherings do funny things to us all and everything gets magnified. any cracks become more obvious if spending a period of time with each other that isn't the norm. Your poor little girl feeling so tired .Go curl up with her and give her your husband and other child lots of love. It will make you feel better and get rid of some of the anger. Celebrate your little family and send some love to your poor parents who have to continue with what sounds like it could be a nightmare situation that they are left to listen to the fall out from.xxxx

I'd be inclined to just turn dinner down low, pour a vino & enjoy some child free time

I'm really pleased you got an apology from your DF. Whispered or not, it shows that at least he knows what you're feeling and that it wasn't your fault. Let the dust settle now. Hopefully he will talk to your DM when they're free of your sibling and things can be fixed.

Your sibling, I'm afraid, isn't worth the effort. I have one of those. NC for years. Best thing I could have done.

I'd be slamming the door and saying and don't come back! Good riddance, now you can relax

I agree with pps and it’s nice that your dad apologised, even if it was whispered.

Some of your comments interested me though @NannaNoodleman re your Mum’s MH issues and this:

some of the stuff sibling recalls is just standard 80s parenting.

Like what? From your fear of your sibling and your dislike of confrontation/sticking up for yourself, I do wonder if you and your sibling were parented differently and that your parents aren’t necessarily scared of your sibling but maybe feel guilty?

Just wondering - you said that your dad was being "off" with you and not really speaking to you much I think? How was he behaving with your sibling? Is there a chance that he was upset at the situation generally, rather than being upset specifically with you, iyswim?

I'm glad your df apologised.

Yes wha5 is standard 80s parenting?