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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
ktp100 · 10/08/2019 20:29

You are in no way way being unreasonable, OP! What's unreasonable is your parents expecting you to be a slave/doormatt with zero say in what's happening with your own children just so the boat isn't rocked for your entitled gobshite of a sibling!

Hold your head up and show them you're above their petty shit!

I really hope you stick to your guns and never allow them to stay again.

Pinkpeanut27 · 10/08/2019 20:36

I think people without young kids forget how much they need routine, while they may be having fun now it could change within a minute to utter carnage . I was always the boring parent who stopped for food 10 mi s before tne kids kicked off and bought them home 10 mins early before they kicked off . I also insisted on nap times and bed times , it made life easy . At that age kids are not that flexible . My dh and in-laws were very much the opposite so I was the evil one except on tne odd time I wasn’t and they kicked off then I’d be tne one to sort it out as they sat and had a drink !

Fullm0on · 10/08/2019 20:53

I feel for you. I’d be the same and I don’t think you did anything wrong. I hate when people use the silent treatment, it makes everything worse....and honestly how dare people treat you like that in your own home.

How are things today?

Juog · 10/08/2019 21:15

Just remember it's your holiday as well, stop cooking dinner for everyone, you are not a slave.

Iamdobby63 · 10/08/2019 21:25

Hope all is ok with your daughter and the cardiology appointment comes through quickly. My daughter has a VSD, thankfully we didn’t have to wait as a paediatric cardiologist from Great Ormond Street had a clinic at our local hospital so it was diagnosed quickly. Issues with the rest of the family pales into insignificance, if they behaved like knobs and knew what you were going through then I would never make any effort with them again. Ever.

Tubs11 · 10/08/2019 21:51

Feel for your sibling, their life must be miserable if they get worked up so easily. The fact that no one feels conformable enough to bring them down a peg or two make for awkward family encounters I bet.

Motoko · 10/08/2019 22:20

Dra1972

Did you miss the bit about OP's DD having a hole in the heart, meaning she tires easily? And her kids are only 2 and 3?

It's not being "precious" to ask for them to be brought home so they can have a normal bedtime, after having late nights all week. OP is the best person to know what her children need, and are like.

EffYouSeeKaye · 10/08/2019 22:47

I’m really late to this but just to say Flowers for you op and, if anything, the error of your ways has been hosting your toxic sibling at all when this is how they behave. But you’ve already worked that out!

Next year have a lovely holiday of your own, wherever you like, and tell them to fuck right off.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 10/08/2019 22:48

Hoping that your daughter is ok. Absolutely not unreasonable to ask overtired toddlers to be back for a sensible bedtime. They are not there for other people's entertainment.

Neither are you. Your sibling has been unreasonable and rude. Unfortunately sometimes it seems some posters just want to look for reasons to criticise the OP.

Sandwiches all the way!

Paraballa · 10/08/2019 22:55

When we go and stay with DH's cousin, who likes to fully host and cook for us, I always ask what time we should be back for, and that's with our Own children. If you know you're being cooked for then you find out when it's being served and get back half an hour before to help set table etc.

OP YANBU and your guests are very rude.

CraftyYankee · 10/08/2019 23:22

I have to vehemently disagree with this idea posted above:

"Without a bit of give from both sides (or a lot of give from only one side), your relationship will break down completely from non communication if they leave tomorrow without some attempt at resolving this."

It is clear that the sibling gives nothing here, and OP has already given a lot of energy. Why should the OP put any more effort into preserving this relationship? She's getting nothing but aggravation from it.

Sometimes contact just for the sake of contact isn't worth it. Better to let things go and live in peace without the relationship. This sounds like one of those times.

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 23:31

Pjmask I'm just giving my opinion as are you. Can't stand people that are so precious about their kids they forget there are other people in the world.

@Dra1972, you can have your opinion, but why not inform yourself fully about the facts first - something you clearly haven't bothered to do? Wanting your very small children back so they can go to bed at a reasonable hour is neither being precious nor forgetting about the existence of other people, particularly when one of the children has a suspected hole in her heart.

Ferret27 · 10/08/2019 23:37

I’m with you .... it’s bad manners to forget about your host ......who incidentally stayed at home making things nice and easy for everyone else .. not to be a martyr but just to be nice ... no biggie ... 4 adults one could have thought about calling back home and saying ...what time did you expect us back .... why does the Op have to be the one to have done this!? ... ignore posters that can’t see your perspective ... they are the type of people who probably take the piss out of friends and family... have some chill time and put your feet up ....( as much as you can with a couple of toddlers😣) yanbu

Ferret27 · 10/08/2019 23:40

Hi I made my points after 2 pages in ... so not read all the background ... even more on your side now ... yanbu

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/08/2019 01:15

Can’t read beyond 7th page op, too long.
You shouldn’t have split the party up by demanding kids back 1 hr early, you knew that you were doing that, ruining the end of their day.
You were being deliberately difficult.
But they shouldn’t make you feel awkward in your own home. I hope it blows over quickly.

SaraNade · 11/08/2019 01:32

@Toomuchtrouble4me If you had, you would have seen that the children were crying and complaining that they were tired, and one of the children has a hole in the heart hence would get tired quickly.

Bottom line, it was rude of the guests to just act as if they could do what they wanted with someone else's children. The guests said they would be back at a certain time, and they weren't. So it wasn't an hour early, it was an hour LATE. The guests were the ones being deliberately difficult, and how anyone could even remotely fault the OP even one bit, is so messed up.

Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 11/08/2019 06:09

Only on page 5 of thread but OP.... jeez WTF is wrong with people. I hear you and understand... seems a lot on this thread are cruel and unreasonable. Your kids, your home, people don’t have respect and gratitude for your efforts and your family requests, well then they are wrong. This situation is so bent out of shape and not if your doing. Hope they apologise and realise how inconsiderate they’re being .

Weenurse · 11/08/2019 06:18

🔮 for next time they visit.
🎈🎉 for when they leave this visit

Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 11/08/2019 06:29

Okay read the whole thread... so no chance of an apology. I agree distance. If people can’t bring your children home when you ask without creating tension then they can’t be trusted. Too extreme ? Well they are being frosty to you in your own home in front of your children? How do you think that looks and feels? Do you think children like to see their parents treated badly or upset? The whole situation is toxic and Id be relieved when they left. Never again would they stay EVER

mathanxiety · 11/08/2019 07:18

Funguy
There are 6 adults - OP, her H, her 2 parents, and her brother and SIL.
There are four children - OP's 2 plus brother's 2.

diddl · 11/08/2019 08:16

Sounds an awful situation, Op.

So your sibling got cross with your parents who in turn took it out on you.

Will your parents & sibling now be spending time together without you?

If so, the lost hour(or however long) doesn't really matter, does it?

It's a chance you take when having young kids with you that you might have to curtail plans!

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 11/08/2019 08:30

Sibling's children are like the children of some of the posters on here: they can go to bed at 10 and be up at 6am. Maybe people with children like this could try to understand that some of us have children who need 12 hours (or just a different amount) of sleep a night. Otherwise we get tears over everything and the days aren't nice for anyone.

The family are well aware of how tired my daughter gets. Her sleep has always been a bit of a lighthearted joke, which we now know is because of a heart condition.

OP posts:
IAteTheLastOne · 11/08/2019 08:36

@Doyoureallyneedtoask
Have you read some of the comments on here? These people would never dream of speaking like this is in real life! Such horrid comments about being precious, about being a martyr-not constructive. Nor do they help OP. I read through the comments mostly to see what up-jumped attitudes all of these people with perfect children and perfect lives have! Sheesh, it certainly shows you a whole cross section of society right here.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 11/08/2019 08:36

I also think them say it's their holiday is rude.

When we lived overseas, holidays were different to family visits. We didn't use people's houses as hotels even when they insisted we did so... and the people whose houses we stayed were friends & family who we wanted to see and spend time with.

If they wanted a holiday where they didn't have to take anyone else into consideration, then they should've booked a family holiday.

I'm not here to act as a hotel service

Saying that... they have stayed for a long time so they are welcome to go off on their own and have space etc... but they could have a bit of respect and tell me they don't want me to cook dinner so I don't waste my afternoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 11/08/2019 08:39

And another thing Grin... people saying "why clean up?"... because 9 people had eaten lunch from 9 plates, and drank from 9 cups, and used 9 lots of cutlery, and two chopping boards, pans, utensils, etc

OP posts:
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