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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

don't know what I've done wrong. Help me see the error of my ways...

670 replies

NannaNoodleman · 08/08/2019 19:38

Family visiting from abroad, staying in our house, they're very welcome.

They wanted to go out to a certain place this afternoon but I was cooking dinner for everyone and clearing up lunch pots. So they went out and I stayed home.

Two cars: 4 adults and 4 children.

I called at 5pm and asked what time they'd be home and was told they wouldn't be setting off for another hour.

I asked my parents to bring my kids home sooner as they're tired and I wanted them to be in bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Well... it's caused a massive hoohah!!!

I've been told that they're on holiday and don't want to be summoned back for dinner at a certain time. There's been an argument and I'm being ignored!

  • this is also my holiday (we stay in England for the summer so we can see them when they visit).
  • they could've told me they didn't want dinner when I stayed home to cook it.
  • I wasn't asking them to come back.
  • I thought they were here to see us.
  • my house is not a b&b.
  • my children are so tired from many late nights that they've been crying at everything today.

So, why am I the villain?

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 10/08/2019 17:57

OP, I feel for you. What a shitstorm in your own home.

Honestly, I'd have asked them all to leave. I would not have anyone behaving towards me in that way in my own home and expecting my hospitality. I would have packed their bags and directed them to their cars.

At least you won;t be doing it again! Lesson learned. Your sister is clearly not a pleasant person.

manicmij · 10/08/2019 18:20

You have crossed wires. You asked them to let you know when they were leaving where ever and then you phone at 5 basically telling them to cone home. You must have known your children were or would be tired so you should have been more explicit about the return time.

gill1960 · 10/08/2019 18:25

My friend had this same problem ...
She treated it by asking her visitors to take turns food shopping and cooking. .
Everyone got a break...
And they've treated you like shit !+

fencesitter75 · 10/08/2019 18:26

💐💐💐 OP. I am looking forward to tomorrow for you as well!

Dra1972 · 10/08/2019 18:33

Stop being so controlling let people be. It's holiday time. If you weren't so ridgid your children would be able to cope with more flexibility. Why does everything revolve around you and your food? Don't get it chill out YABU.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/08/2019 18:38

YA def NOT BU!!
I hope your daughter is better soon.
So what if you asked them to bring the kids home earlier. So what? Its so trivial and certainly doesn't merit all the sulking and cold shouldering and actually getting up from the table to sit in another room because you sat down ... in your own house. Appauling behaviour from Guests.
I can understand your choice to wait it out and not add to the drama but set new rules for the future. It's probably more realistic. Don't apologise to any of them. They can get their own food and if I were you I'd go out for the day with DH and the kids and leave them all to their own devices. I hope DH says something to your parents. Why are they taking siblings rage out on you? Unbelievable. Flowers

Nearly47 · 10/08/2019 18:40

You are too nice for this people. You shouldn't have to ask them to come back if they you were cooking. Tomorrow do nothing and let everyone have microwave meals. You need a rest. And don't hide in your room. Go downstairs, switch on the TV or do whatever you want to. Its your home after all. Eventually this will dissipate...

pjmask · 10/08/2019 18:42

@Dra1972 rtft before you gleefully jump on the op bashing bandwagon

cstaff · 10/08/2019 18:45

Even if we were to take their side with regard to the day out (which I'm not) their behaviour after the event is so out of context. They are carrying on as if you threatened them or physically hurt them. You had a disagreement about mealtimes. Ffs They really need to grow the fuck up.

Enjoy your peaceful house tomorrow OP.

bigKiteFlying · 10/08/2019 18:50

I won't ever cook for them again.

That's the approach I took with similar situation with meals young children and family - DH cooks, we get take out or it's cold food - it's just gets rid of the problem and makes the visit less stressful for me.

I also think it would be smart to do hotels in future.

Enjoy the peace once they leave.

Toooldfornonsense · 10/08/2019 18:51

@Dra1972 what an idiot. She’s not saying everything revolves around food.

TowelNumber42 · 10/08/2019 18:52

Good luck with the next couple of days.

While your posts positively drip with passive aggression I can see how the family dynamic has left you feeling it is the only way to express your displeasure.

Never hosting again is a good plan

Maybe go over to the relationships board to post about your asshole brother and your parents that will happily hurt you to appease him.

MrsCplus · 10/08/2019 19:06

Wow. They are pissed off because you wanted YOUR children back for a decent bedtime with one of them have a suspected heart defect. And beggered off out when you were cooking dinner. I don't know about you but they would definitely not have them back at my house. Your children, your house, your rules.

Dra1972 · 10/08/2019 19:15

Pjmask I'm just giving my opinion as are you. Can't stand people that are so precious about their kids they forget there are other people in the world.

purplebutterfly90 · 10/08/2019 19:19

This is ridiculous. You are NOT being unreasonable. If I were you, I would speak up with ALL of them in the room and tell them to piss off back to where they came from. Not everyone will agree with that but I wouldn't accept that kind of bull in my own home. Good luck OP.

Honeyroar · 10/08/2019 19:23

You have my sympathy. I don't think it should take a rocket scientist to work out that two toddlers need to be back for 5/6pm to have their dinner and get to bed. And if you know someone is cooking for you and they haven't said what time the meal is going to be ready, surely you'd ask "what time do you want us?" The OP gave them an hour's notice when she rang, it wasn't as if she said "get home now, your dinner is on the table!" OP enjoy the peace when they've gone and stick to your guns and never have so many ungrateful guests again!

Aroundnabout1 · 10/08/2019 19:28

So sorry if this has been answered but Im quite intrigued by this thread as have been in similar situation. Can I ask: When the OP requested that her parents bring her 2 kids back:
1)What time did OP want/expect them back?
2)What time time did the OPs relatives WANT to get back? (ie were they just going to be back an hour late, or was it going to be, like, 10pm instead of 5pm?).

jasmine1971 · 10/08/2019 19:37

Holidays absolutely bring out the worst in people. I distinctly remember my parents throwing a fit at me being 'ungrateful' because I said that driving home from the beach at 6p.m. and then going out for dinner at 8.,30 p.m. was going to be too late for my 2 / 4/ and 7 year olds and we would grab them something quickly from the supermarket to tide them over.

PeoniesarePink · 10/08/2019 19:41

I think you've done really well OP not to blow up at your sibling and parents. They have behaved so badly, there aren't enough words.

FWIW my sister can't do anything wrong in my Mum's eyes - they have a team going on that I've never been part of. When she behaved appallingly to me in front of our Mum and Mum just didn't get involved, I knew where I stood. It broke my heart and DH was absolutely furious - but I've never let them put me in a position where that can happen again. You have to value your own worth and peace of mind above any sense of family loyalty Flowers

IAteTheLastOne · 10/08/2019 19:43

Some mumsnetters are absolute bitches. It is not unreasonable to ask for your children to come home for tea time. It’s is not unreasonable to say they’re tired and crabby-Jesus I’m sure we’ve all been on the receiving end of that shit. Some arseholes forget in their ivory towers how hard it is to deal with tired children.

Yes OP, you probably should have agreed a time but hey, nobody-NOBODY-is perfect. What you wouldn’t expect is your guests huffing and puffing about you asking what time they’ll be in. Fuck em. Go and eat your dinner, ask them if they’d like theirs or not and tell them to go to bed because they obviously need an early night too.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 10/08/2019 20:07

Some mumsnetters are absolute bitches

That isn’t very fair. The whole point of asking for advice on an anonymous forum is to get different people’s perspectives. Naturally people will have been shaped from their own experiences and families and advice will differ.

E.g. Someone said the OP should ask them all to leave. Another suggested telling them to F*ck off. In my family if somebody did that, they would be cut out of the family forever.

Another suggested a group hug. Lovely as that is, in my family I would be asked if I was on medication!

Only the OP knows how far she can go in her family dynamic. It is easy to say she doesn’t need them but nobody knows if she does or not or might need their support (however bad it is) in the future.

I think the universal opinion is the OP needs to stand back from them. But telling her to tell them to get out of her house is something that could destroy a family forever.

CuriousMama · 10/08/2019 20:07

Sounds like your dps walk on eggshells with sibling?

Roll on tomorrow! Flowers Wine

Funguy · 10/08/2019 20:15

I actually don't understand any of this, how come there are 4 adults if they are YOUR parents.Who are the others and the other children? Why are you expected to cook for 10? Just. Don't.

Jaxhog · 10/08/2019 20:20

You're bearing up well Op!

I have a suggestion to help you deal with this rude, entitled, bullying. Write a letter to your sibling, setting out exactly what you think of them. Include dates, and all the details you can think of. Tell them exactly how they make you feel. Then put the letter in a drawer and get it out everytime you get any rubbish from them in future. They won't know, but you will.

And stick to your resolution that they NEVER stay with you ever again.

Roll on tomorrow!

muffins145 · 10/08/2019 20:21

If I asked someone to bring MY children back I'd expect them to be bought back, regardless of a party, there my kids and if I wanted them home then I'd be pissed off someone trying to basically tell me no, but if you didn't tell them that before they went out then maybe that's why there annoyed u ringing up randomly

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