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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

173 replies

MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 18:09

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

OP posts:
Original poster
MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 18:10

Posted too soon. Obviously I don't think about it all the time but when I do, I feel annoyed. I think because it felt so intentional at a time when I was emotional and vulnerable.

There is a bit of a drip feed, but I'd really like some opinions based on the bare bones of the comment first...

OP posts:
Original poster
MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 18:12

Also I was in hospital for a few days after having the baby, and the way she said it made it sound like she and DH were having chummy chats about his emotions and how he loved the baby more than the eldest - but that may be hormones (sil does have form for making out as though people are confiding in her and telling her important stuff /secrets when they're not)

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 08/08/2019 18:13

That was very tactless of her and as your husband obviously does love your first child untrue. But only he can set her straight.

inbetweenforever · 08/08/2019 18:15

I think your reading to much into the comment. Having your own is different to having a step child. She didn't undermine the relationship between your child and your partner but like I said having your own is different.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 08/08/2019 18:17

But, did your DH formally adopt your older child ?

MamaOomMowWow · 08/08/2019 18:18

I don't really see how it was inappropriate tbh 🤷‍♀️

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2019 18:18

Of course it's completely different having your own newborn baby, compared to slowly becoming a parent to a toddler Confused

Why wouldn't it be?

It doesn't mean he doesn't love your eldest DC any less, it's just a completely different experience.

Namelessinseattle · 08/08/2019 18:20

I have no practical experience but I’d imagine it is different. He probably saw scans, was there when the baby was born and gets a vote more or less equal to yours from the word go. I’d imagine he had to grow into the role of daddy with your first as opposed to it being automatic with your second. However, none of that has anything to do with love. I’d imagine how you become someone’s dad has little impact on how much you love them.

AppleKatie · 08/08/2019 18:21

SIL was either making a dig or completely tactless either way this isn’t worth your energy now.

Let. It. Go.

Pinkout · 08/08/2019 18:21

I don’t think she meant any malice at all. It is his first biological child and his first experience of a newborn, that’s all she really meant by it.

WanderingStars · 08/08/2019 18:22

YANBU that's at best tactless but I suspect probably deliberately catty. Why some people choose women who have only just given birth and are at their most vulnerable to do this is beyond me.

What do you think your SIL's motives are? Is she jealous of your relationship with her brother? You don't have any concerns about how your partner treats either of your children so don't blame him for this comment.

I would probably go down the passive aggressive route and at the next family gathering or get together say: "It's so lovely how DC1 dotes on DC2. SIL I remember you commenting about how you think it must be so different for DH as DC2 is his biological child, however we don't love our children any differently at all, do we DH?"

Or words to that effect (in a less clumsy way). She will then backtrack and try to make you look bad so you need to prepare for that.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 08/08/2019 18:25

‘It’s completely different when you gave your own’ is a horrible comment.

My aunt adopted dc and then had her own, no one would have dreamed to tell her ‘it’s completely different when you have your own’. Hmm

Ohyesiam · 08/08/2019 18:26

But it’s true, it is different.
Gradually getting to know a toddler is different to meeting your newborn.
If you adopted a baby it would be different to birthing one wouldn’t it? It wouldn’t mean you didn’t love the one you adopted, or that you wouldn’t parent I as well. But it would be different.

SummerHouse · 08/08/2019 18:27

It's a mean and spiteful comment I think.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 08/08/2019 18:29

DP raised his DSDs from very young (baby and 1 yo) and he's the only dad they've ever known.

The amount of comments along those lines he got when our DD was born was truly shocking to me, and in front of DSDs too!

It's just ignorance OP, try and let it wash over you (easier said than done, believe me I know).

You and he know the bond he has with your child, and whatever anyone says, they can't take that away.

Sometimes life would be a lot nicer if people just kept their musings to themselves I think!

Bobismyfriend · 08/08/2019 18:29

It was tactless but maybe not done deliberately. I can understand you feeling hurt by this and have been in the same situation. I know it is different for my DH with the child we have together but it didn't change how fiercely protective I always felt of my other 2 (and still do!). I did get used to it and we all lived as a happy family together. It helped me to just acknowledge those feelings I had and talk to friends who understood.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/08/2019 18:30

MyHummysMummy

Just a thought.

I wonder if its how you come across, in your second paragraph you posted "my children", I wonder if you say this sort of thing a lot.

Jaxhog · 08/08/2019 18:30

I'd go by your DH's behaviour, not a thoughtless remark by your SiL. She probably didn't mean to offend.

PorkHollywood · 08/08/2019 18:31

Aww c'mon, it is different. A bit tactless maybe, but wouldn't day deliberately mean.

SummerHouse · 08/08/2019 18:31

Ohyesiam I see your point but it's the context. If someone who just birthed a child said to someone who adopted one "of course it's completely different having one of your own" that would be unbelievably tackless.

SummerHouse · 08/08/2019 18:32

*tactless

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 18:33

It was tasteless. but it is different.

Especially since he wasmt there from birth.

Dps own adult step son, says to do he Hope's we have a baby. Dp brought him up from being 2 and he is very much his dad. But he, having had his own child knows it will be different if dp has his own. Dss know he will love them both, but it's different.

I dont think we will have one. But who knows.

IvanaPee · 08/08/2019 18:33

On the face of it, I think you’re making a big deal out of it.

He’s not her dad. He hasn’t adopted her, has he?

And it probably is different with his own. Doesn’t mean he’ll treat your dd any differently or love her less but at the end of the day, if you split up, only one of your dc would be his! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 18:38

I do think maybe you are reading too much in to it. Yes, he has been your child's father figure and he loves her very much I'm sure, but this is his first biological child, it's a bit different. He was there when baby was born, he was there through your pregnancy, it's his baby. I'm sure your SIL didn't mean this in a nasty way at all and it doesn't take away the love he has for your other child. But after just having had a baby your emotions are all over the place and I can see why you might have taken it a bit wrong

Funnyface1 · 08/08/2019 18:38

I totally agree with her but I probably wouldn't have said it.

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