AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

[MyHummysMummy]

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

I'm on your side, OP. It was a callous and cruel thing to say. That being said, it would be better to let it go. It's an example of your SiL's ignorance and is no reflection on you, your child, or your husband.

And I disagree that there's always a difference. My sister's oldest was about a year old when she met her now husband. Her ex deserted her when Nephew was a few months old and was out of the picture. When they had 'one of their own' a few years later, my BiL said after my niece was born that "Everyone said I'd feel differently about 'Nephew' than I do about 'Niece'. They were wrong. I love them both in the exact same way".

The human heart has an infinite capacity to love. Not everyone loves their 'steps' the same way that they love their 'own', but that's them, that's not everyone.

You are not being unreasonable, but I really don't understand why you don't just tell DH and get him to have a word with her.

SIL was a Bitch to say that.

Hi, I was in the exact same position. The father of my eldest actually died while I was pregnant. I met my current partner when she was 1 and a half (now 7). I now have a 1yo with him. His family were trying to be careful with their words but bits always slipped out. "It's different when it's your own" , not to mention grandparents saying they were so happy to be getting their first real grandchild then trying to backtrack! They all had step grandchildren other than my eldest too! I didn't take issue with it though. It's got to be an awkward situation. They want to have their "first" moment but in a way that was taken away because of family dynamics. Also some people have no tact and that's not going to change so it's probably best to let it go unless they really start being spiteful! 🤷

I have an egg donor child that I gave birth to. The number of professionals who cannot believe that I consider this child to be mine and love completely is truly quite shocking. If they cannot "get" it I can see why a normal person might express similar views in a slightly more clumsy way. I have been very firm in my comments to the professionals but would treat family/friends more lightly, unless malice was intended.

I was in the same situation to your DC. My dad isn't my biological dad, he met my mum when I was two. I'd be very hurt if someone said something like this. In my opinion YANBU.

I have birth children and an adopted child. When we went on the course before being able to adopt one of the people running the course said 'you will never love an adopted child like you would a birth child'. As far as I am concerned that is absolute bullshit. I couldn't live any of them more and don't love my birth children any differently to my adopted child. One child may not have been borne from me but she was born for me

I also have a SIL who likes to make digs and thinks she's being slick. She's tactless. Hopefully she never makes such a comment in front of your older child, and if she does, be prepared to firmly set her in her place, in a way that doesn't come across as vicious but leaves no room for anyone to doubt the solidity of your family's bonds. I'd say who cares, but I'd worry about a comment like that setting off some insecurities or unpleasantness in the relationship between DC1 and DH. Those bonds can be fragile, especially in the preteen thru teen years.

I thought it was -with a generous interpretation- an unthinking thing to say-with a not so generous interpretation -a deliberately mean thing to say, before I read your update.
'It's different when it's your own' very much implies 'better now you have a proper child'. I can see why this would be something people might think if a step dad is around part time and maybe hasn't been in child's life for very long and/or the Dad is around a lot, but really I'm not sure why it would be different in your DH's case, even if he wasn't adopting her.

YANBU
Relatives can be mean and spiteful to inlaws.
I married down class wise and my family did not approve. When my mum passed, and we were at the funeral my aunt decided to have a chat with DH where she told him “don’t spend all (my name)’s money” among other insults regarding his background.
Your SIL has an axe to grind but so long as you & your DH are United she will fail.

I think you are overreacting to a tactless remark. She didn’t say it was better or easier or more special, just that it was different. It IS different.

She was deliberately being a bitch then. However, you've inadvertently done the ideal thing, ie not risen to it as she would no doubt have wanted. Now she'll feel her dig missed the mark, and you'll be ready for any future efforts with lots of gushing comments about how wonderful it is to be a big happy family.

But she only said it was different!

Her motives might be bad. But surely it’s ok for your dh to enjoy being the father to a newborn? I think it’s quite mean not to let him just have that!

Getting someone to repeat something twatty they said really works. I was surprised. Next time she says anything off, but yourself some time by saying ‘sorry what did you say?’

@IvanaPee

I think it’s quite mean not to let him just have that!

What a ridiculous comment. How on earth is OP stopping her DH being father to a newborn?

The SIL didn’t even make the comment when DH was there to hear it, she said it when she was alone with OP.

It was a tactless comment. But based on your drip feed, she sounds like a jealous fool and probably enjoys making little digs - honestly I think it's best not to rise to people like that and just let her stupid comments roll off you like they are insignificant and don't matter - because they are, and they don't.

Thanks all. I haven't even mentioned it to DH because I'm happy to keep the peace for his sake, unless SIL doesn't get the message and continues with the comments. Hence why I'm posting here, I needed to have a rant about it somehow, rational or not. Good call with asking her to repeat herself - she'll absolutely hate that.

It’s not ridiculous.

Lots of people have suggested getting dh to speak to SIL and I think it would be unfair because it could make him watch how much he’s basking in it in case he upsets her.

just sil being dense & tactless ignore - what I would say is this - even with genetic dc (note carful expression!) you have different relationship with each dc because THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT (which half the fun!) but it doesn't mean you love them any less/more dc fill your heart but there will be some magic for him in recognising parts of himself but that doesn't mean he loves your other dc any the less - dc that grows in your heart

People can be very rude! I would be pissed off too but don't let it worry you. Life is too short. If she does make further comments pick her up on it x

Does she have step children? Does she also have biological children? If not then tell her she has no idea what she is talking about.

Or say firmly, “Yes, DH grew to love one child and loved the other one instantly, so the path was different, but he’s ended up in the same place.”

Shes right but it was a tactless thing to say. Your own child is totally different to having a step child for a lot of people.

I'm adopted, my brother is not. I don't know if anyone actually said anything as fucking crass and rude to my mum when DB was a newborn, but I think she might have bitten them if they did.
Your SIL sounds like an ignorant, spiteful bitch, OP - you do hint at her having form for deliberate nastiness. Just patronize her when she starts - maybe the concenred head-tilt and the hand on the arm and the 'poor you, you must be very unhappy to make such nasty remarks.'

If it was said deliberately it speaks volumes about her and you know she isn’t a very nice person so you need to change your reaction to it. Stop caring what she thinks, or call her out on it. That’s your options. No point saying nothing then seeing about it

I think that was either a) completely thoughtless or b) deliberate spiteful of your SIL. Even if she perceived it to true (which she wouldn’t have known either way) there’s absolutely no need to say anything in that situation. I’m surprised so many on here have defended her comment.