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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

173 replies

MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 18:09

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

OP posts:
PinguDance · 08/08/2019 20:47

I agree that asking people to repeat comments like this is quite a good way to make them think about whether they really want to say it. If she does it again I might also want to reply - very mildly -"oh is it?" and leave her to explain exactly what she means. Then just look at her if she starts digging herself a hole and smile politely.

sessell · 08/08/2019 20:51

Very similar situation to you OP. My DP similarly a kind, decent brilliant man and father who never treated any of our children differently. Parenting is a relationship not biology IMO. It's about being there. In that regard it is the same for all children regardless of where the sperm came from. We never had comments like that at all. I would not have put up with them. Easy to ignore it, but potentially devastating for DC if they ever pick up on such attitudes in future. I'd say something like parenting is about love and being there - so it's not different at all and I would never want my children to think it was.

flappi · 08/08/2019 20:54

Oh in laws and their comments. Ignore ignore ignore . They r always trying to get a bit of shit in

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2019 21:00

You clearly don’t like her but I think you’re focusing on this comment because you think it might be true.

I have DSC and a baby with DH. It IS different, I adore my DSC but as others have said it’s different getting to know and then growing to love a child that has two parents and having your own - being their only ever mum or dad. Your ex isn’t in your life but he is still your child’s father. That’ll legally change when he adopts her but all 3 of you know that you chose to have her with someone else, that the first minutes, hours, days and weeks were with someone else. Your husband missed out on everything that happened before he came into your lives and it doesn’t mean he loves her less but it’s a fact that the experience he’s having with your new baby now is DIFFERENT.

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 21:27

Sounds like you both annoy each other tbh.

She probably did say it for a reaction which isn’t great however she’s not wrong in her assumption. DH will feel differently towards his own child, that doesn’t mean he loves his step child less just different.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 08/08/2019 21:38

Sounds like you both annoy each other tbh.

Why? What’s OP done to SIL?

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 21:41

In general, not particularly specific.
From the OPs posts it’s clear she doesn’t really like the SIL.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 08/08/2019 21:42

Not liking SIL is different to ‘annoying’ SIL. OP sounds remarkably forbearing to me.

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 21:49

Ok, it sounds like both dislike each other.

Original poster
MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 22:29

I do wonder if the replies would be different if both DH and I had adopted DC1. If DC1 heard such a comment, it would be no less hurtful regardless of which or any parents they were blood related to.

I don't dislike SIL exactly, but I've started to not have a lot of time for her, that is true. I'm pretty sure she sees me/ the arrival of DC2 as a threat. Rest assured I am nothing but polite and welcoming to her, I don't expect DH to "speak to her", and I'm quite happy being the bigger person, unless she does something really out of bounds, which to be fair I don't think she would

OP posts:
TheVoiceInTheShed · 08/08/2019 22:50

She meant it, she's a jealous cow, she knows exactly how to inflict pain and took her opportunity
I had a SIL like this, unless youve had one it's hard to imagine. You are not being over sensitive OP, you are reacting appropriately. Also PP's saying it's different obviously aren't talking from experience- blood or not , your DC's are your DC's and the love you feel is exactly the same IME.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2019 22:53

I do wonder if the replies would be different if both DH and I had adopted DC1

Yes of course they would. You and he would have had the same experience then and the same different experience with this baby.

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 22:54

TheVoiceInTheShed you are completely projecting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2019 22:58

Also PP's saying it's different obviously aren't talking from experience- blood or not , your DC's are your DC's and the love you feel is exactly the same IME.

What does that even mean? The point is that if they’re your step children they’re not yours in the same way. Are you hard of reading? Plenty of us have outlined our experiences.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 08/08/2019 23:03

Nope not hard of reading but It's quite clear the SIL was insinuating the DH would love the baby more, instead of the love doubling - I have experience of this too and that is my experience, perhaps I am fortunate that I have the capacity to live them the same even if you can't and live them differently

TheVoiceInTheShed · 08/08/2019 23:04

Love not live oops! Grin

TheVoiceInTheShed · 08/08/2019 23:06

@NoSauce lol, of course I am projecting, we base our opinions on our experience of the world don't we !Grin

altiara · 08/08/2019 23:12

Sounds like she’s deliberately being bitchy, and you dealt with it the right way. Accept that it is different because DH has now experienced a pregnant partner and a newborn.
Any more comments from SIL, tell her how much DH is enjoying the new experiences he’s having, tell her about the joy and love and nappy changing and watch her run for the hills.
None of it’s a reflection on DC1 at all.

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 23:13

I don’t know for sure if SIL was insinuating he’d love his own child more or whether she meant that the experience of having your own child is different something very different. I could imagine someone saying tbh, it might sound very tactless but I could understand what they meant.

UniversallyUnchallenged · 08/08/2019 23:15

You know the context- sounds like she was trying to be unnecessarily cruel. However, she has warned you about her behaviour, don’t accept it next time. I’m not sure why this needs saying to you and even those seeing the best would accept it won’t be great for your eldest to hear.

Let this go, but if there is a next- say something, involve your DH, stick up and together

springydaff · 08/08/2019 23:22

I think toxic people do strike, from nowhere. We used to call it being 'tangoed' (if anyone remembers that advert..)

It is like a snake striking from nowhere - and you know when you've been hit. But you doubt it because it looked so ordinary and they do it with little aplomb or ceremony and it leaves you feeling confused.

I think you know you've been hit op. You were also particularly vulnerable because you'd just had a baby. It's easy for me to say 'don't let it get to you' because I know how strong (and confusing) these strikes can be. ime you gradually build up skills to avoid being a target as much as you are able.

One thing though: aren't you glad you're not her. What must it be like to have to do stuff like that? Doesn't bear thinking about.

poopookeechoo · 08/08/2019 23:29

I'm one of three sisters - my parents thought they couldn't conceive naturally so adopted my eldest sister - hand on heart I can say there is absolutely no difference between her and my biological sister (amazingly after adopting my sister they conceived me and my sister naturally and there's 17 months between us). She's my big sis, there is absolutely no difference in feelings between how I feel about her and my biological sister - and my parents certainly haven't felt any 'difference' between us and my big sis.

MindyStClaire · 09/08/2019 07:02

I think it's all about intent. My MIL once said to a man in your DH's shoes "well you're a dad now John!" and he just gently replied that he was already a dad, but absolutely took it in the spirit it was intended - happy congratulations on the newborn. They then had the usual lovely chat about the new baby, how the big sister was adjusting etc. She said the wrong thing but not out of malice and he knew that (there's no side to my MIL).

I think if SIL was just talking she could've said something like "how's he getting on? Of course he missed this bit with DC1."

Beesandcheese · 09/08/2019 07:08

I think she's probably trying to imply stuff because that's how she thinks. I'd put some distance between as she doesn't respect her brothers family set up.

IvanaPee · 09/08/2019 11:36

Adopted children are not the same as stepchildren.

Adoption firstly is legal so that child is legally yours forever.

Secondly, when you adopt a baby you choose that baby to be yours and (sometimes) there is no other legal parent involved.

When you’re a stepparent you’re a stepparent because you happen to have met someone with kids.

It’s different. You can love them and parent them for the rest of your life. But it is different. Not worse. Not less than. Just different.

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