AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

[MyHummysMummy]

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

it’s daft to say a poster is wrong because they have an opinion different to yours.

No I'm saying she's wrong because she is wittering on and on that it's different blah blah, when I've told her it's not in my family.

So actually she's telling me I'm wrong, when she has fuck all experience to back it up. I did ask what qualified her to make sweeping statements, but she declined to answer.

And has spent 5 pages making OP feel like shit just because OPs family isn't the set up Ivana deems acceptable. Starting to wonder if she's the SIL.

of course it's completely different when you have your own"

SiL is a massive, undermining bitch & YANBU.

If she repeats this tactic, let her have both barrels:
"but how would you know? - as you don't have step/adoptive kids, you can't possibly know what loving one feels like."

or if she DOES actually have steps/adoptives:
"DH chose to have & love both our children - I'm sorry YOU feel differently about YOURS, but we love both our kids equally."

or even - if this is a thing she is going to needle on & on about:
"neither DH or I have any trouble having enough love for both our kids. I don't understand why you imagine we'd love either of them any less than the other. Are you maybe projecting? Is there something you need to talk about ..?"

Tactless (and I would have flinched if I was you or someone else in the room) and unnecessary but hopefully not malicious.

I'm adopted and am ASTOUNDED at the amount of people who have used similar phrasing to my mum in front of me.

"Oh did you not want your own?"
"Oh could you not have your own?"

Also "real parents" on the regular

"Oh have you met your real parents?"
"Oh do you know who your real parents are?"

Etc etc

I get it OP but I think other people don't realise how much it stings.

Luckily my parents taught us our favourite comeback if any bullying about being unwanted etc: "Our parents literally chose us"

Anyway what I'm trying to say is many people genuinely don't understand the nuances of different types of family.

Try not to waste headspace being angry about it and enjoy your loving family with your other half and DCs

+@NoSauce I said think they know. Having an opinion is fine but ignoring OP’s concerns to validate that opinion is unhelpful to OP.*

I don’t think people have ignored her concerns to validate their opinion.

They’ve just disagreed with her.

So actually she's telling me I'm wrong, when she has fuck all experience to back it up. I did ask what qualified her to make sweeping statements, but she declined to answer.

I actually did answer and say I was a step before I became a mother. Perhaps you missed it. It can happen. :)

Maybe it’s time to step away from the thread if it’s making you this het up and unnecessarily aggressive?

Just like my experiences aren’t yours, yours aren’t OP’s and you can’t possibly know how your dh feels, any more than I can. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s tactless but true . Whilst a lot of people will be thinking it , only an arsehole would say it to your face . I can’t imagine loving a stepchild as much as my own blood .

So it's OK for sil to make the comment this year but it wouldn't be ok next year once the legal bits are tied up?

Yes, OP.
Because love must be doled out in socially approved measurements.

Also, achieving parturition gives some people instant & perfect knowledge of what love is, alongside the right to dictate to others the quantity & quality of love they are allowed to bestow on their non-genetic children ...

HTH x

It’s certainly not obtuse to say it’s done. Because it is done. That comment, that conversation? Done. OP’s time to confront it has been and gone.

According to you @IvanaPee. OP may wish to have a chat to her SIL about it to have a chat with her DH. It’s not done until OP says it is, not you.

Do you really think it’s obtuse to point that out? You are quite sure you know what the word means, I assume?

Yes it was obtuse of you to say it’s done and going on about it isn’t helping anyone. If you can’t see that it’s not done for OP the you are being obtuse and need to look up what it means.

I used to get it all the time with my DSS. I adore him, we have a great relationship and ice helped raise him since he was 2. People would tell me it would be different when I had my own.
I adopted a toddler. Raised him from a very similar age. I'm nit biologically related to either but I do love them differently. Not different amounts, but certainly differently.

I completely get this @SomebodysPerson.
But we could extend that analogy to someone who had 2 biological kids, & loves them "differently". Differently but equally.
Given the timing, & the extra info that OP's SiL has form for sly digs, this isn't the kind of "differently" she's aiming at - she's implying that the love will be unequal.

I've known some 100% bio mothers who favour one child over another. It's not all that uncommon. So all this SiL malarky about "your own" isnt just hogwash, it's bigoted hogwash.

@Coffeeandcherrypie you must have missed the post where OP said she wasn’t going to bring it up...

@IvanaPee she may choose to or she may not, who knows? The point is people have given her advice to deal with it when it happens again. You telling OP it’s done is very controlling and odd.

Maybe it’s time to step away from the thread if it’s making you this het up and unnecessarily aggressive?

I'm not het up or aggressive. You've got an over inflated sense of self importance there 😂 I'm not angry with you, I pity you.

Because you're so set on your little boxes to be ticked that the reality of family life and commitment seems to be an afterthought. That's quite sad really.

I'll ask again, your experience of adopting or being adopted? Which qualifies you to tell me that my opinion is invalid?

You're trying desperately to tell me I'm angry or aggressive when it is you who has been thoroughly unpleasant and sneery towards anyone who disagrees with you.

Maybe if you stopped telling other people that their families aren't up to your exacting standards and focused a little more on your own, you'd see that it's love, not biology that makes a family.

You have done me a favour through, I'm even more bloody grateful for DS1s SM now.

Lol you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you?

OP said she wasn’t going to bring it up.

How controlling of you to decide she doesn’t know her own mind...

Unlike you, I am encouraging the OP to forget about this incident because she doesn’t want to do anything about it and harping on about it is only affecting her. Nobody else.

You seem determined to have her as frothy as you are. Strange, but your prerogative I suppose.

you can’t possibly know how your dh feels, any more than I can

Aye I don't have a DH thanks, but maybe if you read the thread instead of telling me to, you'd know that

I do have a DP and I do know how he feels because he tells me.

Your household must be a very odd set up if you don't even know how your OH is feeling. Makes sense I guess, definitely explains a lot.

@InTheHeatofLisbon you did see that I posted more than once that I’m quite sure dh loves OP’s child? Or is that pesky little detail getting in the way of your - er - intense posting?

Again, I’m only posting now in response to you and one other who are way over-invested!

And once again: my opinion is shared by plenty on the thread. Your fixation on me is so weird. You are of course free to pity some randomer on the internet because you’ve decided I don’t know how to love people properly. It doesn’t actually affect my life.

Not everything that's true needs to be said. Saying something like this to the partner of a step-parent is a blatant attempt to make her feel insecure about her DH's relationship with her older child. Because the obvious inference is not "It's completely different when it's your own" but "It's better when it's your own". It's an obnoxious, unnecessary thing to say, OP, and I'm not surprised you were hurt.

Apologies, I meant her dh as in the OP’s

You really want my family life to be weird, don’t you? You might want to look at why that is. Seems strange to practically wish someone has a miserable life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think YABU to be honest.
Off course there is a difference between an adopted child and one who comes from your own blood. Even with in your family unit, you will love your children in different ways, being the first or the last, being a girl or a boy, maybe because of different qualities they have. That's not to say more or less but just differently.
I think if you dont step back you are going to take an innocent comment and turn it into something that cause lots of problems

@IvanaPee

No, just responding to your posts to me. If you don’t want me to respond then don’t send me comments?

And no, not being frothy. My advice to OP was that next time it happens just to ask her SIL to repeat what she said. Hardly frothy is it?

You started off telling OP that it’s fine what SIL said because her DH isn’t adopting her son and when Op said actually he was, you still didn’t back down. So it’s you that’s dog-with-bone actually.

And then telling OP that she’s mean if she doesn’t let her DH be father to her newborn, when it was clear OP had no other intentions. That was another obtuse comment actually.

Again, I’m only posting now in response to you and one other who are way over-invested!

I’m not the one provoking the OP. It’s clear OP finds your posts unhelpful and yet you persist. So I think you’re over-invested.

Ok. 😂😂😂

You win the thread, or whatever.

Have a nice day.

She should NOT be saying that to your DH. It is stupid, old fashioned and undermining of your lovely family set up. No I would not be pleased!

Ah the crying-laughing face emoji. A sure sign that someone’s lost the argument. And three of them no less.

Having a different opinion is not provoking someone.

Going on about adopted vs step when OP has already said DH is adopting DSS is quite inflammatory.