AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

[MyHummysMummy]

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

at the end of the day, if you split up, only one of your dc would be his!

DSD1 loves telling people her dad is her dad because he chose to be, not because he has to be.

Biology is a bizarre obsession for many people. I'm adopted so never really understood what all the fuss is about, but clearly it's crucial for some people.

If they want that to be respected, maybe they should respect those who aren't quite so bothered by it?

Talk to dh about what was said and tell him you feel if was uncalled for. He has two children blood or not. Tell him if your eldest had heard that conversation they would be devastated that their so called aunt fells they do not count as much as baby. My partner is not my eldest dad has raised him since 2 and his biological is absent. His mum n brothers have been fab his dad and step family treated them differ t at times but I firmly put them in place saying they are both OUR children and they got the hint. He needs to talk to his sister and put her straight otherwise you need a serious conversation with him about if he said it to her like she implied.

DSD1 loves telling people her dad is her dad because he chose to be, not because he has to be.

Well that’s very nice but legally he’s not her dad so 🤷🏻‍♀️

And it is different when it’s your own, I’m sure.

Nobody has said the elder one doesn’t count as much ffs!

Yes legally he isnt her dad

He isnt obliged to pay for her (yes there are rare circumstances where step dads do) and op could cut off contact far easier with her oldest

Not saying she would. But it is different when they are legally theres and when you have had them from being born.

Doesnt mean you love them less. But it's different.

She shouldn’t have said it BUT

I suspect you are overly bothered by it because you know is true and to are worried he feels he can say this to his Dsis and hasn’t or couldn’t to you.

It is different
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t live your DS but being the biological father of your new baby and having been involved right from conception does change the experience

In many ways he may be more protective or close to your DS as he has worked at the bond and knows it isn’t automatic.

Whatever, she shouldn’t have said it but let it go and acknowledge relationships can be different without devaluing each other.

And it is different when it’s your own, I’m sure.

How do you know? Because I do, and I don't think it is. What experience are you basing it on?

Well that’s very nice but legally he’s not her dad so

So? There are many biological dads who wouldn't even pick up the phone to their actual child.

Legally he's not her Dad. In reality he's the best Dad she could have asked for, she's very close to her siblings despite DS1 being just mine, and DD and DS2 not being her blood either.

So aye, legally, it means nothing.

If you live your life on a technicality, happy for you. Sounds a very pedantic way to live.

That's not for our very happy, very biologically confusing, but close and commited family.

I met my husband when my eldest son was two years old and we married when he was three. My husband assures me he feels the same for both my eldest son and the son we have together and I have never doubted that.

It certainly would be different, but it was hardly necessary for the rude madam to point it out to your dh, and inform you that she’d done so for good measure.
She had no innocent reason to ram home the point like that.

She was thoughtless to say it at the time but I do think having your own baby is different.

I also think a lot of step relationships would work better if there wasn't this massive expectation to love your step child/parent as thought they were your actual child/parent.

As long as they are kind and loved then that is enough I think.

OK, I'm taking the comments on board.

Here comes the drip feed. DH is indeed in the process of adopting eldest DC (ex has been hard to find so it's taking quite some time) and SIL has form. She is the only girl in a family of boys. She is jealous to the point of tears over some aspects of our life.

When I first met DH, his other brother had just married. SIL (the one who made the comment) would regale the family in BIL and new wife's absence with stories of how new wife had said or done something out of line (in her eyes) and SIL "had given it to her straight and put her right back in her place". New wife was very timid and young. I am not. So I had the measure of her early on, and she's never succeeded in her attempts to dominate me or to stamp on my boundaries. However she certainly does try and has upped the ante since baby was born. That's why I feel that her comment was deliberate. She also waited until she was alone with me to say it- she has form for that too.

I don’t think it was meant to hurt your feelings, but it was very tactless to say it, especially with your hormone running wild, just try and forget it and put it down as a throwaway comment.

I understand why that comment upset you, but there is a difference.

I generally say I have two DDs. DD1 is actually my stepdaughter. DH has sole custody of her and we've lived together since she was 3, she's now 7. DD2 is my biological child and she's 1.

I honestly love both DDs equally. I am hoping to adopt DD1, but we want to wait a couple of years until she's old enough to understand what that means. If DH and I ever did split up, I would be absolutely devastated if I had lost contact with DD1.

However - I have known DD2 since before she was born. I chose her name, fed her, changed her nappies, saw her first steps, heard her first words. It is different to with DD1. None of this makes me love DD1 any less, but having a baby is different to getting gradually introduced to a toddler.

I think the comment was tactless but I often put my foot in it so I would forgive other people being tactless.

My first baby was an explosion in my life. I loved him before I met him and was blown away by being a mum. I changed overnight to someone that could cry at an Andres commercial and can't watch a scary film.

My second baby was a new little person in my life. I got to know him and fell in love day by day. I now adore him and love them both equally. (Both biological chikdren)

I expect the step parent relationship is a slower version of the second child as they don't want to love your child unless it is for keeps.

The first months of the experience of a birth baby is likely to blow someone away.

@InTheHeatofLisbon plenty of posters have agreed with me. Yet mine are the posts you’re picking up on. And I’m pedantic? 😂

You’re very defensive.

I have a sd who I love. When my children were born, it felt different. I’m their mother. No matter how close I am to sd, she’s not mine. It really is that simple.

I understand. My mum, who is the most laid back person you could ever wish to meet, went non contact with my step grandma after 29 years. There was a string of issues and a huge back story to this, but essentially after my granddad died my step grandma started refusing visits and stopped sending Christmas/birthday cards completely out of the blue. My parents had done so much for my grandad and step grandma, as well as my dads half brothers, but the straw that broke the camels back was when my dads half brother had his first baby and step grandma told my mum 'its so wonderful the finally be a grandma'. My mum was hurt, because in her eyes she was a grandma to me and my brothers for pur whole lives, my mum had certainly strived to make her feel that way anyway. We never used 'step' or 'half' to describe our relationship (I have in this post for clarity) and my parents helped them all out financially at one point or another. We used to see them frequently and always included her in mothers day etc. But, to her, we were not family and that hurt.

It was tactless, even if she thinks it she shouldn’t have said it.

My DHs “step” father came into his life when he was a toddler and had more children with DHs mother. He never treated my DH or his younger siblings any differently, all of them were his children regardless of biology and he said he felt sad that he never met DH as a baby as he fell in love with him as a toddler.

It takes a wonderful man to feel that way and no doubt your husband is the same. Try not to let it upset you. Whilst the experience is different, the love he feels isn’t.

*Andrex

IvanaPee fair enough, yours struck closest to home I guess.

But really it doesn't matter what I think of you or you think of me does it?

Nope! 😊

Why the need for drip feeding? You don't like your SIL, you think she's mean and therefore that she deliberately made a snippy comment, rather than just being a little thoughtless or misunderstood.

However she certainly does try and has upped the ante since baby was born. That's why I feel that her comment was deliberate. She also waited until she was alone with me to say it- she has form for that too.

So what’s the AIBU about? You say you know why she said it. Should be water off a duck’s back, surely? She’s just trying to get a rise out of you. Ignore or put her in her place but certainly don’t give her the satisfaction of stewing over it.

Ignore her and be blissfully happy as a family unit right in her face. That’s all you should do.

Drip feeding because I didn't want to go on a big rant about SIL, I wanted opinions on the comment without the backstory of sil having form for being a bit of a wanker.

She's mostly been fine with me over the years because she knows she can only go so far and no further, but I feel she's ramped it up a bit since DC2 was born and redirected attention away from her own DC but it's not always easy to tell what is a thoughtless comment and what is pointed

I don’t know, I think people skirt around the whole step parent thing and insist it’s the same and get overly emotional about it all. It is very different to be a new parent if s newborn than to be s step parent of a child. This is your dh first experience of being a new Dad. Even if SIL did point it out maliciously, she’s essentially right. Imo you are making more of a drama of him already being a Dad when there’s no need to, as clearly he wasn’t present for your elder DC early months. So you’re protesting about something pretty straightforward rather than just letting it go.
I remember calling dp grandma who has step grandchildren and saying ‘oh you’re a nan to a new baby girl’ and she spat back ‘IM ALREADY A NAN’ and was seemingly infuriated that I hadn’t acknowledged her other dgc. Biology wasn’t even on my radar 😂😂 She made a big issue of a total non issue. Anyway, after her insisting that her other dgc were bought presents and didn’t feel left out at the arrival of biological dcg I kind of kept my distance. I think some people make it a far bigger deal than necessary