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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

173 replies

MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 18:09

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

OP posts:

HeadintheiClouds · 09/08/2019 15:12

In most adoptions the child is new to both parents; so both have the same relationship with the child from the get go.
Adopting a stepchild isn’t really in the same category, as one parent is still the biological parent and has been in the child’s life forever.

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/08/2019 15:12

@andannabegins

I have birth children and an adopted child. When we went on the course before being able to adopt one of the people running the course said 'you will never love an adopted child like you would a birth child'. As far as I am concerned that is absolute bullshit

I am so sorry this happened to you. Have heard similar as the child in a million situations like that and it's worrying, needless and cruel AND despite me getting out of care and being lucky enough to be adopted by my amazing mum (not my birth mother as it makes as if it makes a difference). It still gut punches me every time.

I think because it's in some way there's an assumption my mum doesn't understand the feeling of "being a mum" and when she's brilliant. Which is ridiculous inaccurate - she's a fantastic and loving mother. On top of that she chose to give children a second chance at life. I am so proud of her.!

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/08/2019 15:16

@Cheeseandwin5

Off course there is a difference between an adopted child and one who comes from your own blood.

I'll tell that to my parents who spent years getting on the list to adopt and finally then raised me when they adopted, cheers. What a thoughtless hurtful thing to say.

Extra points for triggering every adopted persons sporadic fears. Your sentence above is my worst dreams come true. I really hope very few people agree with you.

Have good day

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 15:30

@ThatCurlyHair agreed, very tactless comment. People on this thread who have adopted, have been adopted or have adopted siblings have consistently said how awful they find the SIL’s comments.

donquixotedelamancha · 09/08/2019 15:41

I do wonder if the replies would be different if both DH and I had adopted DC1.

Nope. People still say things that dumb to adoptive parents. I've had:

'do they see their real parents?' (Yes, I see them every day, it would be hard not to)
'are they siblings?' (Yes, these are both my children, followed by a death stare)
'did you not want your own kids?' (I have my own children')

Adoption firstly is legal so that child is legally yours forever.

Children don't belong to their parents. Being a parent is something you do. Love is an action. Some biological 'parents' are no such thing. Most foster, step and adopted parents are parents in every sense and love their child just as much as any other type. It has nothing to do with sharing genes.

So will my DH magically feel differently once the adoption is finalised and DC1 is just as much his legally as DC2?

I've been a Dad twice and the emotions were very different each time - first time was instant but the second was not, didn't stop me being a parent. @MyHummysMummy Your DH is already his Dad, ignore anyone who says otherwise.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/08/2019 15:51

whether it's true or not is irrelevant really, she clearly shouldn't have said it especially to you OP, it was tactless at best and just plain nasty at worst. Best thing you can do though is ignore and don't let her see it bothered you. Your DH sounds lovely btw, congrats to you both

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/08/2019 15:57

@donquixotedelamancha THANK YOU

I also as my parents adopted me just love the insertion of "real" into
'are they siblings?' (Yes, these are both my children, followed by a death stare)

From a child adopted who to be doesn't even think about it every day. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Parents like you allow kids from care to feel loved, safe and to contribute to making life have fairer choices to all. I am so, so lucky I got my mum. She loves me more than shE could describes. Thank you for understanding you don't know how appreciated it is!

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/08/2019 15:59

Sorry mucked up my own point there!! My mum has had "'are they REAL siblings?' (Yes, these are both my children, followed by a death stare)

You sound ace, thank you for getting it and not being dismissive of adopted people like me and any adopted kids / adults you know!

Original poster

MyHummysMummy · 09/08/2019 16:27

OK well this has all got a bit weird now

AppropriateAdult thank you for putting into words what I was trying to get at - I did feel, rightly or wrongly, that the comment, coming as it did from SIL, was really "isn't it better now he has his real child, who is obviously vastly more important than the one he's been a father to for the best part of a decade".

Obviously I realise the experience of caring for your newborn, and actually seeing a child being born, is different from meeting a child as a toddler, but I think that's so obvious as to be an unnecessary point to make.

Thank you all for your input

OP posts:

andannabegins · 09/08/2019 23:37

@ThatCurlyGirl my DD was talking about being adopted with her friend the other day. She said * is my birth mum, but this is my proper mum. I like that and it is a term she has come to for herself. I am her proper mum, I know her better than anyone else in the world

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/08/2019 08:26

@andannabegins Ah that's lovely. My mum used to say that I had a tummy mummy but mum was my mummy mummy which I always liked

peardrops1 · 10/08/2019 08:39

Biology is a bizarre obsession for many people.

Absolutely agree with this, @InTheHeatofLisbon and it drives me mad. It's so weirdly atavistic. Many people would defend it by saying, 'Well, it's how we're programmed, isn't it?' Fair enough, but they could at least examine that attitude a little bit - why do they feel their genes are so special? Loving someone solely because they're related to you is an arbitrary kind of love.

In conclusion, SIL is an idiot.

Hannahmates · 10/08/2019 09:17

It's not appropriate to say but I can't say she's wrong. It's different with his own flesh and blood. DC1 is his step child and even though he loves her and treats her the same as baby DC I think it would be pretty obvious that he would love his bio DC more.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 09:22

I think you sum it up perfectly Hannahmates.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 10/08/2019 09:39

Well actually you are wrong Hannah, you are talking from a position of inexperience clearly so your opinion is not valid in this case

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 09:47

There is a difference between a couple with no children, adopting to that of a man becoming a stepfather to a child who already has a birth mother.

It’s just silly to say that every single man in this situation will love his stepchild the same as his own. And it is different to that of a couple who adopt a child/children then go on to have their own biological child.

Taxicus · 10/08/2019 09:47

I actually think SIL is angling for you and DH to have another...! which really puts a new spin on things. Have you ever said to her 'two's plenty for us.'

Have you had the talk with your DH about you having children together in a way he could be openly honest about whsr he wanted rather than just taking a position based on what he thinks you would or wouldn't want?

Is it possible she wanted to sound you out about where you might be with that and when it left her lips she didn't ever consider this could ever be interpreted as the way you've taken it? ..because I don't think she realises what she's said could be taken as you've taken it.

SaraNade · 10/08/2019 10:50

@Cheeseandwin5 What a deeply ill-informed, ignorant and utterly offensive comment. I know someone who has one adopted child and one biological child. And believe me, they do NOT love one more than the other!

I think you and those like you could benefit by talking to parents of adopted children. I have not read anything so utterly and deeply offensive in a long time as your post.

Teddybear45 · 10/08/2019 10:53

I think your sil was probably the one who felt different about this DN compared to your daughter, and may have been feeling out your opinions to justify treating them differently. As your DD is being adopted by your DH you absolutely need to lay down the law.

andannabegins · 10/08/2019 14:14

@Cheeseandwin5 your comments are highly offensive, I have adopted and birth children and I can honestly say if someone had a gun to my head I wouldn't be able to say i loved one more than another. Fuck off with your nastiness

TheVoiceInTheShed · 10/08/2019 17:11

@Cheeseandwin5

You are coming from a place of complete ignorance and I kind of pity you, you have such a narrow idea of love that I can just imagine the type of mealy mouthed person you are.
I have adopted and birth children and it may seem incredible to you but I can say WITH AUTHORITY there is absolutely no difference, now off you pop with your ill informed crap.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/08/2019 17:14

It is different but it was probably something that didn’t need to be said.

SomebodysPerson · 11/08/2019 09:59

@ThatCurlyGirl so sorry you've been upset by a PPs comments. If it helps, I love my son soooooo much more than I could ever imagine loving a biological child. I love him more for what he has been through and for falling in love with me the way I fell in love with him. It's so much more intense. He is only 2 but by christ I cannot imagine a more beautiful, perfect, loving, thoughtful little child having come from my own womb.

My biggest fear is an accidental pregnancy, because I wouldn't keep it. Partly because I dont want another child and partly because I cannot ever imagine loving a other child as much as I love my son.

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