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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be bitter about this comment?

173 replies

MyHummysMummy · 08/08/2019 18:09

This is so, so silly, and I'm ready to get flamed, but I'm hoping posting on MN will get it out of my system.

I have a preteen DC from a previous relationship, and DH and I have a baby DC together. DH has raised DC1 from toddler hood. My ex is not and never has been in the picture. DH loves eldest DC, he is very much Daddy. By and large we are a happy family and baby DC has only added to this. I have no concerns regarding DH's treatment of either of my children, he is a kind and good man.

A few days after having the baby, SIL made a comment to me. She said "it's just so lovely to see DH Name with Baby. As I was saying to him, of course it's completely different when you have your own"

At the time I was exhausted, didn't know what to say, and replied along the lines of "newborns are certainly a shock to the system"

Afterward I felt angry. It felt like a hurtful thing to say, deliberately undermining the relationship between DH and DC, and I felt she was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure about how DH would be now baby was here.

It still annoys me at times that I didn't get to tell her how inappropriate a comment it was. Obviously I don't think about it all the

OP posts:
Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 12:55

@IvanaPee but the SIL KNOWS her brother is ADOPTING his step-son.

Original poster
MyHummysMummy · 09/08/2019 13:06

So will my DH magically feel differently once the adoption is finalised and DC1 is just as much his legally as DC2? Because that is what you're essentially saying Ivana? So it's OK for sil to make the comment this year but it wouldn't be ok next year once the legal bits are tied up?

Not sure DC1 would grasp the distinction and take it on the chin but hey...

OP posts:
NoSauce · 09/08/2019 13:11

How long ago was this OP?

Original poster
MyHummysMummy · 09/08/2019 13:13

A few months ago

OP posts:
NoSauce · 09/08/2019 13:17

Just let it go. What good is it doing winding yourself up? As long as you and DH know how you feel then that’s what matters. You obviously feel like she said it maliciously, which of course she might have done but without knowing her it’s hard to say.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 13:19

In a regular-sized 16-ounce jar of peanut butter, the FDA will allow up to 136 insect fragments and four rodent hairs.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 13:19

sorry wrong thread!

Boysey45 · 09/08/2019 13:20

At the end of the day the only person who knows how he feels about both children and if theres any differences is your husband.
Some people can only really truely love a biological child, whereas others love all their children irrespective of origin equally. I'd just forget her comment OP I really would. As long as your husband treats both children well that's the main thing.

SomebodysPerson · 09/08/2019 13:20

OP I see where you're coming from but it is different.

I used to get it all the time with my DSS. I adore him, we have a great relationship and ice helped raise him since he was 2. People would tell me it would be different when I had my own.

I adopted a toddler. Raised him from a very similar age. I'm nit biologically related to either but I do love them differently. Not different amounts, but certainly differently.

IvanaPee · 09/08/2019 13:22

I’m sure he won’t feel magically different because I’m sure he loves your dc already.

I’m saying that a step is different to a bio. And a couple adopting a baby together is different.

You got the firsts, and now he gets them. It’s that simple.

You seem determined to hang on to this and put lots of weight behind it instead of just letting it go. I think you need to grow up a bit.

If SIL is a bitch, there’s not a lot you can do about it. You can only control your own reactions. Your own behaviours. And right now you’re obsessing about one comment instead of enjoying your new family.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 13:23

The problem with people like SIL is if you 'let it go' or 'forget about it', they take strength from it and get worse. You need to answer them back, in the same breezy way.

You have to dealt with people like to understand.

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 13:28

With you Ivana on this.

IvanaPee · 09/08/2019 13:28

But she didn’t answer back. So it’s done. And going on and on about it isn’t helping anything or anyone!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 09/08/2019 13:33

IvanaPee for a poster who has dominated 5 pages of this thread, telling OP exactly why she's wrong (she's not btw) and confidently stating your own opinion as fact over and over you can't see the irony in thinking OP is "going on and on" about it?

Probably not to be fair, that would mean considering someone other than yourself and your own opinion.

IvanaPee · 09/08/2019 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Namelessinseattle · 09/08/2019 13:38

I think I’d shes talking about experience hen yes it’s completely different, if she’s talking about love she’s a twat. You can either ask her which it was or decide for yourself. For yourself I think I’d ask dp is it different, that’s the most important bit for you.

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 13:40

InTheHeatofLisbon it’s daft to say a poster is wrong because they have an opinion different to yours.

The OP asked if she was BU and some people think she is. That’s fine as that’s what AIBU is for.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2019 13:44

With you Ivana on this.

Me too. Lots of step parents have commented saying the same. The truth, OP, is you wouldn’t know because you’re not a step parent and your DC are equally yours, brought into your family and life by your decision. Your husband took on an established family unit when you got together. He took you on as a package and is formalising his commitment be going through the process to adopt your older child. Lovely. But loads of people have agreed that whether or not your SIL is an evil malicious cow she has a point.

If you’re so convinced she’s wrong and don’t want to consider anyone else’s opinion that’s fine but you’re repeating yourself and ignoring any dissenting views which still doesn’t seem to make you feel better.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 13:49

@IvanaPee

But she didn’t answer back. So it’s done. And going on and on about it isn’t helping anything or anyone!

No it’s not done. Don’t be so obtuse! The SIL has form for this and OP has said it’s escalated since she had DC2. This will happen again and OP is asking for ideas on how to deal with it.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 13:51

@NoSauce

it’s daft to say a poster is wrong because they have an opinion different to yours.

Just as daft as people thinking they know the SIL better than OP and telling OP what SIL meant. I prefer to trust OP’s judgement.

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 13:56

Nobody has said they know the SIL though.
We’ve got a one sided tale here and obviously it’s going to go in the OPs favour as she’s the one writing it.

People can make up their own mind who they think is BU.

SaraNade · 09/08/2019 13:57

If you're not willing to confront her there and then when she says it, and if you're not willing to tell your husband (I think he has a right to know, tbh) just for the sake of 'peace' (which never works, the nasty person always steps up their efforts and it eventually comes out, you are just stalling the inevitable), then what is it that you actually want from us? I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I do think you are being unreasonable for not taking a stand. To want to do nothing, and say nothing, and then come on here and whinge. You NEED to tell your husband. There is no point telling us. TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!! (sorry for shouting). You shouldn't be keeping this from him, imo you have no right to do that, he has the right to know what his sister is saying about his fatherhood.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 09/08/2019 13:59

@NoSauce I said think they know. Having an opinion is fine but ignoring OP’s concerns to validate that opinion is unhelpful to OP.

whothedaddy · 09/08/2019 14:02

It isn't nice to hear but the fact is that it is different.
Your DH probably loves both children equally or very close but he will never love them the same.
My partner has helped raise my DD the last 5 years (half her life) closest thing she will ever have to a proper father figure, but they both know he isn't her dad- It just is different.

Totally unnessersary for your SIL to make such a comment though

IvanaPee · 09/08/2019 14:03

@Coffeeandcherrypie you really need to stop throwing accusations and insults around.

It’s certainly not obtuse to say it’s done. Because it is done. That comment, that conversation? Done. OP’s time to confront it has been and gone.

The wider complexities of their relationship is a different matter, and OP knows her options: speak up, tell dh, or ignore.

Do you really think it’s obtuse to point that out? You are quite sure you know what the word means, I assume?