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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 08/08/2019 17:13

He’s probably married.

Bookaholic73 · 08/08/2019 17:14

Yeah, he is married.

PinkiOcelot · 08/08/2019 17:14

OP read your post back. He is not who he says he is. This is not a relationship. It’s been 9 months and you know just as much now as you did when you first met him. Dump and move on.

RatherBeRiding · 08/08/2019 17:15

Another vote for married.

He's definitely got something to hide, and it might sound harsh but you are a fool not to get some answers out of him, or kick him to the curb. I can't see it ending well.

Shouldbedoing · 08/08/2019 17:16

Another vote for married here.

Mileysmiley · 08/08/2019 17:16

@NoSauce

I agree

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 17:17

You dont love him. You know nothing about him.

There could be so much you find out about him that would make you not love him.

Dump him. He is in a long term relationship or married.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/08/2019 17:17

Another vote for married. Block him and move on.

Runkle · 08/08/2019 17:20

So he could have been in jail? Have a history of violence? Be married?
Why are you putting up with this? It's not a relationship by any stretch of the imagination.

Bookaholic73 · 08/08/2019 17:22

@Tausif the likelihood is that you already suspect he is married, it don’t want to end it.
That’s why you haven’t confronted or asked him.

LuckyLou7 · 08/08/2019 17:23

This isn't a relationship. At best, you're his fuckbuddy. He's married, almost certainly. Single men aren't secretive about their lives.

Cloudyyy · 08/08/2019 17:24

You are not in a relationship with him. You are a booty call. Move on!!!!

Cloudyyy · 08/08/2019 17:25

Also, what do you mean he doesn’t answer your questions?! What does he say if you ask him directly what his job is???? I don’t understand. Please move on.

apostropheuse · 08/08/2019 17:25

He's probably married and using you for sex.

VictoriaBun · 08/08/2019 17:26

Can I ask if you have celebrated things with him ?
Birthdays, Christmas ( realise that was early on ) I always think Christmas is a good marker for how a relationship ( assuming you both celebrate it due to culture) If he was no where to be seen, didn't ask you to share it, wasn't available to meet up or at least long phone call on the day = Married .

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2019 17:26

Why are you so accepting of such bad treatment?

Loveislandaddict · 08/08/2019 17:27

Does he use his real name? Most people have some sort of internet profile.

What happens when you suggest meeting at his house? Or meeting him for lunch one weekday?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/08/2019 17:28

I had this.... never met his family, or friends or went to his house or work.

Needless to say he wasn't what he told me he was - I stupidly let this go on for over a year

cantfindname · 08/08/2019 17:32

I think he sounds quite scary. God knows who he could really be.

PorridgeIsYummy · 08/08/2019 17:41

Married and he's given you a false name so you can't find him online.

That doesn't mean he's not fond of you, but it does mean that he doesn't love you enough to move you into his "real life". He's also very selfish, particularly if he knows you're in love with him.

PorridgeIsYummy · 08/08/2019 17:42

...and I think you know that.

UniversalAunt · 08/08/2019 17:45

Assume married.

Otherwise you are sharing your bed with someone who wants to keep their distance from you. Is that what you want?

You say you have never been in love like that. I don’t understand this statement.

Henlie · 08/08/2019 17:47

Is there anyway you can look at his wallet and see the name on his bank/credit cards...just so you can confirm he is who he says he is? I’d be googling his name like mad on the web to try and find him. If you can’t find him on Facebook, maybe try LinkedIn? I find it very strange, that at a minimum he doesn’t tell you what he does for a living(!) Do you know what industry he works in?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 08/08/2019 17:48

Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

If he's not being open and honest with you then it's not love. Certainly not on his end.

I agree with previous posters he is most probably hiding a wife and children. But that isn't even the worst case scenario. He could have a history of violence, or a serious drug problem, he could be a risk to you or to children. I literally cannot think of a single explanation for his behaviour that isn't sinister. You might think you love him but as you said yourself, you don't really know him.

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2019 17:51

He's married