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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 09/08/2019 11:11

I know he's divorced.

No you don't, you know what little information he has told you. And he will have only told you what you want to hear and that is not necessarily the true fact.

FinallyHere · 09/08/2019 11:13

but I have never been in love like that.

I am very sorry to point it out, but the strong feeling you have are for a person that you have built up in your own mind, because he isn't giving you any information to go on.

It's a very normal human trait, to fill in the blanks as it were. Just don't let it blind you to this fact.

Only the picture you have built is the love of your life.

What do you want from this relationship ? A few nice meals/cocktails in fancy places you would not otherwise see. Fair enough for a few weeks or months. It's so easy for those to turn into years before you notice

He is actually preventing you from having the real, open and honest relationship that you deserve. Think of it as stealing your real future then desire what you want to do.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 09/08/2019 11:16

You don’t love him because you don’t know him. You love the fantasy him that he is projecting for you but that’s not him. Because one way or another he is hiding something from you and that something is a thing that means a sane person wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place.

Nobody here is going to reassure you because he is hiding something, probably a wife and family somewhere.

MyOtherProfile · 09/08/2019 11:17

This is so bad. Op imagine what you would say if you had a daughter in this kind of situation. I know I'd be telling her to run for the hills.

Ragwort · 09/08/2019 11:17

I read a fantastic thriller based on this sort of scenario, can’t remember exactly what happened but I think the man stole a lot of money from the woman, who by this time had had a baby with him, and there was just no way to trace him at all, false name, got rid of his mobile, lied about where he works so no one knew him .... quite a good book .

Have you actually said ‘let’s invite your parents/sister/friends round for a meal .... see what his response is.

longwayoff · 09/08/2019 11:17

By the way, he wasn't in the SAS, he doesn't work for MI5, he isn't buying a large property abroad, so don't agree to lend him the money from the sale of your property as a temporary measure, before you both ride off into the sunset. You won't be riding with him.

AhNowTed · 09/08/2019 11:18

You know zero about him by your own admission.

Why so secret?

And why are you so passive?

It's weird and not normal.

messolini9 · 09/08/2019 11:27

Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

How can you be "in love" with someone you don't know?
Why are you continuing a relationship where your man refuses to answer any questions?
How is it that you can recognise that a "sane woman" would have finished the relationship long ago, but you cannot?
How would you describe your self-esteem & autonomy right now?

btw - he's married. Or has a string of women he keeps in the dark.
Or is simply weird & controlling.

Dump him, & maybe get some counselling around your own feelings of self-worth: you have just spent 9 months imagining a romantic relationship with a cipher.
Do you not feel you could be doing so much better than this?

Blueoasis · 09/08/2019 11:28

Guys, she's been love bombed by him no doubt and believes every word he says. She is not going to listen.

OP, you will eventually realise that everyone here is right. You are being lied to. Unfortunately by the time you realise, he'll maybe have stolen your money or have left you pregnant. Try to see sense.

PollyPelargonium52 · 09/08/2019 11:33

If you have his car registration plate you can find out his address from the DVLA.

PollyPelargonium52 · 09/08/2019 11:37

You can also type on google search a person's mobile number. Sometimes it shows sites etc sometimes nothing comes up. Worth a whirl.

00100001 · 09/08/2019 11:40

how do you know he's divorced OP?

Because he told you?

LOL

SerenDippitty · 09/08/2019 11:41

Do you ever actually go out together or does he just come to your place?

Like pp I suspect he's married.

PollyPelargonium52 · 09/08/2019 11:44

I think he is a crook. That is why he doesn't give you proper info.

Eg drug dealer etc.

Floralhousecoat · 09/08/2019 11:44

I think you're just a attention seeker. Why did you start this thread? Maybe everything you've said is true, in which case what are you hoping to hear from people? Your updates are brief, you know nothing about him, I think you find all the secrecy thrilling. I hope responses from others will give you some pause for thought.

Ragwort · 09/08/2019 11:44

Tell him directly that you would like to stay at his place one weekend and I’d he says ‘not convenient’ ask him why. And insist on an answer.

If he won’t explain then tell him you are not prepared to be with someone who won’t have the common decency to give you his address. And leave him.

And for goodness sake work on your self respect, I would be horrified if my DD was in a real relationship like that.

catofdoom · 09/08/2019 11:55

I was in exactly the same position. Fell pregnant. He scarpered in to thin air and I found out he was married.

whatever123noname · 09/08/2019 12:09

This.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 09/08/2019 12:16

Have you asked him where he lives? Have you phoned his work number ever? Have you asked him if you can go to his house? Does he have dc?

neighbourssitu · 09/08/2019 12:31

Ask for more info about this man.

Address?
Work details?
Ask to meet his family?
Ask to see photos of his family or friends on his phone?
Ask to meet his friends?

As someone said, google his name, mobile phone number, dvla for car if he travels to you in his car and not public transport. Maybe it's a company car?

Does he ever use your pc when he stays over? Ways and means to check what he's been using it for.

All sounds very dodgy and after 9 months you should know more about him.

Original poster

Tausif · 09/08/2019 12:35

Thankyou for all the various opinions.
I posted the thread for sincere advice on a personal issue that am very keen to resolve.
Yes I know he has behaved like an asshole n is why I posted the thread.
But also I do know despite his secrecy that he is not a scammer or married or in another relationship or violent .
He is in fact a very gentle soul with a very caring nature.
I miss hearing his voice n looking deep into his eyes.
I know the commentators here are now going to slaughter me. But please be kind

OP posts:

catofdoom · 09/08/2019 12:38

Yeah I said exactly the same.

MyOtherProfile · 09/08/2019 12:38

But also I do know despite his secrecy that he is not a scammer or married or in another relationship or violent

You don't KNOW this OP. You HOPE it.

catofdoom · 09/08/2019 12:39

At least I knew where mine worked though. It's all kinds of fucked up that he's hiding that. You aren't the one for him even if he isn't married.

CilantroChili · 09/08/2019 12:41

How can you possibly know this, OP? You cannot.

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