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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:
Wishihad · 09/08/2019 08:40

Going out in london means nothing.

He probably doesn't have anyone you would bump into in london.

A banker would more than likely have some internet presence. Its likely you dont even know his name.

Wishihad · 09/08/2019 08:42

Cant help wonder if the 'pays his way and more' is inebif thevreasons you have never felt like love like it.

If dp wouldnt tell me where he worked, introduce we to anyone, didnt appear to exist. He wouldnt be my dp.

You must be getting something out of being in a relationship with a man that you know nothing about.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2019 08:48

Are you so desperate for a man ? Hmm

SummersB · 09/08/2019 08:51

OP you are very slow to answer any of these very valid questions Hmm

Original poster
Tausif · 09/08/2019 08:54

See him weekend. Speak to him on phone last thing and first thing in the morning

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 09/08/2019 08:55

Have you looked in his wallet to
Check his actual name? Could be using a false name with you

Original poster
Tausif · 09/08/2019 08:55

Not desperate but think he is the love of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Tausif · 09/08/2019 08:56

Yes checked his wallet looked at his passport and gone through his jacket pockets. He is who he says he is. Nothing sinister or incriminating

OP posts:
Henlie · 09/08/2019 08:59

Op - have you done a google search of his name then...and/or tried to find him on LinkedIn?

jamoncrumpet · 09/08/2019 08:59

How can you be in love with someone that you know nothing about?!

UterusUterusGhali · 09/08/2019 09:00

His family are in the Home Counties.

What do you say when he stonewalls you? Does he get angry? Do you? Has he met your friends and family, and if so have they asked about his?

beanaseireann · 09/08/2019 09:01

Google Carolyn Woods and Mark Acklom.
In the news very recently.

If it were me I'd follow him some morning discreetly.
I should have been a detective. Smile

00100001 · 09/08/2019 09:07

I'd ditch him.
How can you not even know where he works? Confused how do you even know he's a banker? Confused

00100001 · 09/08/2019 09:08

I'll bet I can find him if I had his name and perhaps another piece of information....

wizzywig · 09/08/2019 09:10

He has you doubting your sanity. Not good.

Wishihad · 09/08/2019 09:11

Yep, there is no chance he is a banker and exists nowhere on the internet.

I mean I dont have a huge prescence. It would take ages to find me on social media.

But you can find me. How cab you jot know where he works.

To be fair, his family, if he has one could be abroad.

PlinkPlink · 09/08/2019 09:11

Nope.

Not for me thanks.

A relationship is sharing. What you have there is not a relationship.

He may not be married. He may just have serious commitment issues. Either way it doesnt look good.

I would be more worried about your own self esteem. That you are willing to accept this low kind of treatment from someone and call it a relationship.

I think some inward reflection is needed.

ScrambledSmegs · 09/08/2019 09:11

*Not desperate but think he is the love of my lifei

OP you are the author of your own misfortune.

31RueCambon · 09/08/2019 09:14

So I'm guessing he's not on facebook, or maybe he's says he's not and he has blocked you?

Have you checked on a friend's account to see if he has an account?

It does sound weird though. I wouldn't be comfortable with it!

Desmondo2016 · 09/08/2019 09:15

What does he say instead of just answering the questions i presume you ask him? Where do you live, where do you work, where did you grow up etc etc.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 09:19

I don’t use Facebook. It’s not unheard of

31RueCambon · 09/08/2019 09:21

What age is he? I think if he were an older man, 50+ and he had no facebook or linkedIn then that wouldn't be too sinister, necessarily.

Even if he just doesn't want you to see his tiny boxroom in a rented house (to give him the benefit of the doubt here) the fact that he's never offered up any explanation for this tippexing out of his living arrangements shows he doesn't want to confide in you. It makes it all seem obvious that he doesn't see you as a long term thing.

I don't think the question ''are you this desperate for a man?;; is fair though as here you are, questioning it! It sounds like when you go out and do normal things he is ''normal'' and he communicates with you regularly, so I understand why to begin with you felt it would be intrusive to 'demand' information. But then, time passes and it becomes stranger and stranger that you haven't gained the information through conversation over time. It's not always obvious right at the start. And here you are at 9 months, realising that this is not right and you're questioning it. this is not ''desperation''! This is smelling the coffee. Big difference.

theWarOnPeace · 09/08/2019 09:22

You can’t possibly be in love with someone you don’t know. You don’t know him. What about that do you not grasp?

Looking through someone’s documents/things, even with good reason, is not the sign of a wonderful relationship.

Heratnumber7 · 09/08/2019 09:23

Get his DOB from his password and check with Somerset House (or wherever you check now) for birth/marriage certificate. Also birth certificates for any children. You'll need to pay, but you'll find out more about him.

Seven777 · 09/08/2019 09:24

Er... well have you not just said to him, “ Mystery man this is ridiculous. Who the hell are you? Are you married. Where do you live? What bank etc.” Then, “Do you think I’m a bloody fool or something? What do you have to hide?”

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