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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 08/08/2019 23:57

I had a relationship like this but got out after five months. He had just bought a house that was being renovated so I couldn’t go there, and liked to take me to romantic pub meals out of town. But then got funny when I suggested coming along when he said he was meeting his parents for Sunday lunch.

Turns out he was living with his pregnant girlfriend, what a prince amongst men 🙄

DianaT1969 · 09/08/2019 00:43

How did you meet?
When you said you'd like to see him at his home sometimes, what did he say?
Does he stay overnight?

gamerchick · 09/08/2019 00:45

How do you know he's even given you his real name?

thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 00:56

Married or possibly even worse.

Does it feel dangerous op? It sounds pretty creepy tbh.

I remember a friend of a friend having two birthdays, on consecutive nights, one for each girlfriend. I can’t believe I didn’t tell her. Everyone went along with it though. I wouldn’t now. Creepy as fk

Ilady · 09/08/2019 01:09

Their are a lot of red flags with this man. After 9 months you should know where he lives, works, have met his friends and some family members. I feel he is lying to about his name or has blocked you on FB so you can't see anything about his real life. I would not be surprised if he married, has a partner or kids.
Do you see him just during the week as he is busy at weekends? Did you spend Xmas and valintines day together?
I would follow him once he leaves your place or get a friend to follow him.
Tell him you want to know where he works ect. If he is not willing to answer your questions tell him to get lost.

RosaWaiting · 09/08/2019 01:47

I’d be worried about more than married!

I don’t have an internet profile but even I’d tell someone I dated where I worked. It might take a few dates, but still...

The money could be from anywhere.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/08/2019 01:58

Maybe use all that spare time you have to book some therapy sessions.

Explore why you would choose someone like this, and accept being treated so badly for so long? Your heart wasn’t created by Disney writers, it is a product of messages about love (and your worth) that you build up through childhood and adolescence. Who taught you that you were so unworthy? Why haven’t you told them to shut up yet?

Once you begin the process of building your self-worth back up again, you’ll be too busy to miss this guy. Don’t waste another moment wondering about his life and agendas. Concentrate on your own, hey?

Yeahnahmum · 09/08/2019 02:23

Hahhah sounds like a lovely man op
He is definitely not hiding his wife and kids from you.
sarcasm

Pineapple1 · 09/08/2019 02:45

Wow, clearly easy to spot those who have been burnt before.

He might simply be very cautious?
He may have been burned badly by an Ex, and now finds it hard to let people in?

You won't know unless you raise the issue.

If you hide your feelings and thoughts then your relationship has nowhere to go.

ZazieTheCat · 09/08/2019 02:51

Wife and kids at home in the commuter belt somewhere. She doesn’t get into town much now she’s wrangling a toddler and a baby, and her morning sickness is so bad just now.

If you’re lucky. If you’re not he’s Patrick Bateman. Does he obsess about the comparative thickness of business cards?

violetbunny · 09/08/2019 02:53

I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to follow him home one day and see where he lives (and who else lives there too...)

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 02:58

You can't love someone you know nothing about. You have to know the person, really know who they are to truly love them. Infatuation, sure. Real love, no.

He's either married or has something in his life that he must hide from you. Registered sex offender? Drug dealer? Felon? You say he's a banker but how do you know.

Back in the early 80s I dated a secretive guy with plenty of cash who told me he was a real estate agent in Beverly Hills. It was plausible based on his hours, his car, and the way he dressed. He was 'walked out' of a restaurant by two large scary guys in the middle of dinner. Turns out he was a coke dealer in Beverly Hills. He apparently owed a great deal of money to someone who was very unhappy with him about it. He skipped town and I never saw him again.

Sashkin · 09/08/2019 02:59

Let’s hope he’s just married with kids OP, and not a convicted paedophile/serial rapist/previously done time for murdering a domestic partner.

ShippingNews · 09/08/2019 03:06

You're in love with a fantasy. You obviously don't know him at all. You can't "know" someone if you know nothing about them . In your situation I'd ask him outright , where does he live, who does he live with, where does he work. These are not things which normal people keep hidden. If he is hiding them, you can be sure that he is dodgy. I'd move on and meet someone who is sincere.

nettie434 · 09/08/2019 03:07

I had a similar experience Tausif, although he did have an internet presence. I think that not having spent time in his place can help keep things in the unreal fantasy zone as you won’t have seen a pile of his dirty socks in the bedroom etc. That will make it harder for you - you won’t have gone through the usual ‘what made him choose such a revolting duvet cover’ stage which helps us see the real person, not the glamorous lover.

I think I disagree with the posters who think he might be dangerous. I think you would have picked up on something like that by now but he is almost certainly married. Sadly, telling someone you are divorced is only too easy.

As for not knowing where he works, it is possible he has a less well paid/lower status job than being a banker but it is more likely he does not want you to be able to contact him at work or for you to be able to march in and ask to see him.

Good advice from Skittles

Monty27 · 09/08/2019 04:04

He has a dark and hidden past

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 04:28

Married. And you’re deluded

Coyoacan · 09/08/2019 04:33

Strange that you can't find anything about him on the internet. I don't use my real name on social media sites, but my name has still got onto the internet.

pasturesgreen · 09/08/2019 04:33

Married, with kids.
Also, it's wildly unlikely that you won't find any trace of a 'banker' online: alma mater alumni website, LinkedIn profile, Twitter account, CV...

More likely he is, or used to be, in the business of robbing banks.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 04:45

And ew at “he pays his way and more”

He’s some kind of sugar daddy

TwistyTop · 09/08/2019 05:33

When you say he won't answer your questions, what do you mean? Is it like "what bank do you work for" and he says "none of your business". Or does he just change the subject? Either way that's weird...

Surely after 9 months he knows you well enough to talk about this stuff?? The whole thing sounds really suspicious OP. I would insist on him letting you in. If he doesn't then it's probably time to move on.

Iamtornonwhattodo · 09/08/2019 05:35

Married or worse!!

Loveislandaddict · 09/08/2019 07:23

Most people commute, so i’m also guessing wife (and family?) in the commuter belt.

Have you seen his bank card? Is it his real name?

Texting everyday doesn’t mean a thing.

Is he freely available to meet up at weekends? Stays over at night?

Are you flattered by his attention?

Henlie · 09/08/2019 08:26

If he’s a banker, there’s a very good chance his profile will be on LinkedIn.... That’s a good starting point. Have you asked him outright which bank he works for? I just couldn’t let this kind of stuff lie.

How did you meet him Op?

Itcouldbeyou · 09/08/2019 08:35

Do you see him fri and Sat nights
I’m thinking he’s working In London mon thurs and has a wife and family somewhere else and visits them on the weekends