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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 08/08/2019 17:51

What you've described is not a relationship. You don't know him. He just comes round when he wants a shag, gets one and then fucks off again. When he gets bored he'll simply block you on his phone and disappear.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 08/08/2019 17:52

Let me guess you met him on OLD.
He always comes to yours and stays a few hours. No overnights or long weekends.
If he actually takes you out anywhere it is your local.
He keeps his phone close to him and doesn’t leave it lying about.

MARRIED

CherrySocks · 08/08/2019 17:55

This doesn't sound safe OP

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 08/08/2019 17:57

This doesn't sound safe OP

This was my first thought too. I'd be less concerned about him being married (although that's bad enough) than I would about him being dangerous.

Sandybval · 08/08/2019 17:58

This isn't just a red flag, it's a collection of red flags. I would say probably married, and likely to have blocked you on social media either when be first met you or just before (if you were speaking online before meeting). Even if he isn't, that is really strange and worrying and beyond wanting privacy etc. Run.

TidyDancer · 08/08/2019 17:59

You say he doesn't answer your questions, but what does he actually say if you ask him stuff? Is it that you feel he lies or he dodges the questions? I completely agree there's something not right here.

If you know his address you might be able to do some digging.

TixieLix · 08/08/2019 18:03

After 9 months of no answers (what does he say when you ask questions?) I'd be doing a bit of digging. Have you seen credit cards or official documents (eg driving licence) with his name on? Does he allow you to take photos of him and post them on your social media? Hell, I'd even follow him occasionally to see where he went after he left my place. You're a fool to allow him to stay with you if he refuses to give you any information that he can back up. Does he help with the costs if he's staying with you all the time?

Walkmehome · 08/08/2019 18:06

Is he after your money? (Story in today’s press about a con artist who swindled a woman out of her life savings and he was married all along.)

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 18:06

If he says he is a spy or the government is after him, he is lying.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 18:07

@Walkmehome cross post. That's exactly what I was thinking.

squeaver · 08/08/2019 18:09

He's married.

cubed123 · 08/08/2019 18:10

Omg how ridiculous, how could you have let this carry on for 9 months?! Get rid of this user. He’s wasting your time.

Dogdogcat · 08/08/2019 18:15

Can you google a photo of him? I've never done it, but I know you can. The results might be interesting.

Crunchymum · 08/08/2019 18:20

I think it's very sinister.

Agree with posters who say him being married is the least of your worries.

I have so many questions Shock

How did you meet him?
Does he never mention any family or friends? Even in passing?
What does he say when you ask him about anything personal - work / friends?
Do you at least know what profession he is in?
How often do you see one another?
How often do you speak / message?
What do your friends and family think?
Do you go out in public?

MummyOfTwo92 · 08/08/2019 18:20

Probably married.

How did you meet?

Put his phone number into Facebook /insta search see if anything pops up?

HollowTalk · 08/08/2019 18:22

When you say you love him, you really mean you just fancy him.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 08/08/2019 18:24

I'm going to guess married with three kids, last one born about a year ago.

f83mx · 08/08/2019 18:24

Are you giving him any money?

Howlovely · 08/08/2019 18:48

It sounds like you love the fantasy. How can you actually love him when you don't even know him and worse, you know he is being dishonest with you. What is there to love?

CruellaFeinberg · 08/08/2019 20:02

Yup, hes married

ShawshanksRedemption · 08/08/2019 20:35

He doesn't answer any of your questions, but you're in love with him.

It' not just him living a fantasy, but you too. If you're happy with how things are then fine, but what kind of future do you see ahead?

tensmum1964 · 08/08/2019 20:53

You can't truly know someone or love someone unless you who they are in relation to others. I would also strongly suspect that he is married.

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 20:56

Hmm a post and run.

Original poster
Tausif · 08/08/2019 23:33

Speak and message daily and frequently. Banker. Tells me he's divorced. Go out in public all over London.
He pays his way and more

OP posts:
MirrorHope · 08/08/2019 23:39

He's a cheat, liar , married and a fraud. You should value yourself more - to either call him out on it - or dump and run.

Seriously sort it out